Grief and loss

Support and advice following the loss of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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amamas Friends died in a train crash
  • replies: 7

October 5th, 1999 I've never written this down before but as the anniversary of the date is coming up I thought it might help me prepare myself by writing it now. I look back so often to that time and ask why????? I'd been through so much crap and st... View more

October 5th, 1999 I've never written this down before but as the anniversary of the date is coming up I thought it might help me prepare myself by writing it now. I look back so often to that time and ask why????? I'd been through so much crap and stayed strong but that is when I broke, or cracked. Then after that I went from one hellish experience to another until here I am PTSD, CFS, IBS and all the problems that go with them. Completely over it all and wanting to end it all. So what was it that broke me, a train crash in London. I wasn't even there. I was on a different train travelling to London from Scotland to go to the rugby world cup. The partner of one of my best friends was killed in the train crash. I felt like he was a brother to me. I still miss him like you wouldn't believe. His name was Al and he'd been able to get a whole lot of us tickets to the All Blacks pool games. I was so excited travelling down to London. But I didn't get to go to any games with Al because he was dead. He died on Tuesday morning, but because of the total mess they didn't identify his body until Friday. Do you know how traumatic it is waiting with hundreds of people to hear if your "person" is injured but alive in hospital or dead. All of us waiting to hear sat in groups in a big conference room in a hotel. As different groups found out that their "person" was dead they'd all start wailing and crying. Us in our group were all feeling for them while at the same time hoping like hell that Al was ok. Each group was assigned their own cop. Our cops name was Dave, he was really nice, thankfully. He asked us how we could get Al's dental records. I had to ring a friend I hadn't seen for years in Adelaide, wake her up in the middle of the night, and break the terrible news to her. Why did I have to do that? Because her ex was Al's dentist. There's so many hellish memories from that time. Like my poor friend trying to be brave and believe Al was still alive, the cop asking me if I could find photos of Al showing his watch and ring so they could be returned. There was a whole warehouse of stuff from the crash. I still struggle looking at photos, like any photos because it triggers the feeling of that experience. Then there was the big visit to the crash site. How crazy is this we were escorted there like we were bloody royalty. The cops on their motorbikes zoomed ahead and stopped traffic because we were coming through. There it was the mangled burnt out trains. Where he died. I remember the first time I went on that train line months afterwards, the train was packed and everyone was talking and laughing normally as we passed by the site. I felt like screaming at them SHUT UP!!!!... don't you know 31 people died here?!?! But they were just ordinary people having an ordinary day. I was the one who was screwed up, thankfully I managed to hold my tongue. The reporters, hell the reporters in England are twisted maniacs!! For some insane reason when they released the names of the people who died in the crash they also released the addresses. Those damn vultures came round all day begging for interviews or photos of Al. It was horrendous. We hid in the flat hoping they wouldn't see us. In the end we called Dave, our friendly cop and he assigned a cop out on the street to keep the reporters away. The train companies paid for me to fly back to NZ to be my friends support. How's this I flew business class while Al was in a coffin in with the luggage. Al who was so full of life, always laughing and joking, always on the go, loved beer and rugby, was in with the bags, still, not moving. Al was born in Scotland so to honour that a piper played the bagpipes at the gravesite and also led Al's coffin out of the funeral home. Al was exactly 9 days older than me. Every year as I get older it feels wrong. Because he's still 28. Last year they analysed the train crash on one of those crash investigation shows on TV. I watched it and the show was like me without feeling just the facts. I've been seeing a psych now for almost a year but I've been through such hell since Al died I've had too much other stuff to talk about. October 5th, 1999, 8:05 am when Al and 30 others were killed in a terrible train crash. October 5th 1999 when a large part of me died and the rest of me shattered into millions of pieces. Maybe I should change my name to humpty dumpty because all the kings horses and all the kings men haven't been able to put me together again. amamas

strivingtosmile I am struggling to remember details of various lost & loved ones
  • replies: 3

I am struggling to remember details of various lost & loved ones. My mind is in disarray, and simply going through the motions is extremely difficult. However, typing it up on a forum seems less difficult than either talking to someone in person, or ... View more

I am struggling to remember details of various lost & loved ones. My mind is in disarray, and simply going through the motions is extremely difficult. However, typing it up on a forum seems less difficult than either talking to someone in person, or once again swallowing the sadness, only to have it bubble up again at some point. Trying to smile, if only for the sake of others, can't seem to manage one without a whimper. It's only been a few hours since I managed my last one, only a few days since I truly felt happy. Looking into the mirror does little more than remind me of how I looked yesterday. I know I'm upsetting my family, and I feel unable to express my emotions without upsetting them any further. There's always a limit to the amount of symptoms I can cover up, or mask with various treatments. I'm even wondering where my sense of humour has gone. I'm forever seeking a middle-ground, surrounding myself with friends and family(or even strangers) whilst burying myself in work, in the hopes of distracting myself from dealing with the grief. Any help or advice would be very much appreciated.

aussie_gal82 Don't know where to turn
  • replies: 1

20 months ago my partners younger brother passed away and he is not dealing with it at all. He has become distant I would even say estranged from me and has become very short tempered with our children (and most other things). At this point in time I... View more

20 months ago my partners younger brother passed away and he is not dealing with it at all. He has become distant I would even say estranged from me and has become very short tempered with our children (and most other things). At this point in time I am ready to walk away from our life together as it feels like I am here only to be his maid and child minder. He WILL NOT seek any kind of help and I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Sab depression after breaking up
  • replies: 8

Hi all, My name is Sabi. I have been suffering from depression for two months. Dunno where to go. This is due to a broken relationship. I really wish someone could reply to me show me a way. I was born in a broken family and i never ever had the feel... View more

Hi all, My name is Sabi. I have been suffering from depression for two months. Dunno where to go. This is due to a broken relationship. I really wish someone could reply to me show me a way. I was born in a broken family and i never ever had the feeling of home or family support. I have also been away from hometown ten more years, just been by myself. During last three years, i had three relationships and every time i dedicated myself. I guess is because i didnt have any family love, then everytime i had relations i took him as my everything and i always regarded my bf as more important than me. I found my bf is like my motivation driving me forward and also is like the source of of my emotions no matter happiness or unhappiness. However, all my three relationship sucks. I was always being dumped. Two months ago, i was dumped again. I dunno what i had done wrong.....I really dunno what i hav done wrong. I just dedicated myself and really just wanna a home coz i never had a home. I feel i couldnt handle this depression anymore. I quit all my jobs and study at university, and i thought i d better. But not. Then i went to see gp got some sleeping tablets but didnt work. I talked to counsellor twice already, but really not working. Every friend was trying to help but i just couldnt cheer up at all. And my ex came over the other day laughing at me saying i was always being dumped. And he told me in the beginning of our relation he already knew that we gonna break up someday. I was so so hurt....I feel i have been fooled whilst i totally committed myself and put him as part of my life but how he could do this to me? I feel i couldnt forgive myself. I smoked a lot and isolated myself. I used to be very social and outdoor person, however, nothing i am interested now. I escaped from my living place for another town, coz i couldnt face that familiar town and those bad memories with him. However, upon leaving that town, i still didnt recover. I feel i lost my confidence. I also up and down a lot. I closed myself indoor not talking with anyone. I hate myself so so much, and i feel i am killing myself. I dunno what to do??? I really want to regain my soul but i dunno where it is....I am empty. I lost my mental attachment. I really want to back to normal...I never so down like this.... Feeling hopeless. I have so many works lagging behind but i just couldnt handle it. I let down my boss and escaped. I feel so bad. I wish some experienced ppl can give me? Give me some voice please? THANK YOU!

Vilkas The hole.
  • replies: 8

Just under two years ago I lost my soul mate, my best friend, my lover, my wife, my life. We had been together for over 10 years, nearly 8 years married and had planned to start a family this year, she would have been 30. That fateful day, she got up... View more

Just under two years ago I lost my soul mate, my best friend, my lover, my wife, my life. We had been together for over 10 years, nearly 8 years married and had planned to start a family this year, she would have been 30. That fateful day, she got up to go to work. I was on leave, still in bed. My alarm woke me at 0735. I could hear her in the kitchen, I heard her place the kettle down. Then she brought me a cup of coffee. She looked so beautiful, her hair tied back, wearing her motorbike gear. She had never made me a coffee going to work before. I asked her why, she said she wanted me to have a great day, she knew I was visiting two close friends. I gave her a kiss, and a hug, told her I love her, and she left. I never saw her alive again. Shortly after I heard her motorbike ride off down the road, a friend rang. I got up, had a shower. After my shower I noticed she had done some stuff around the house. I took my mobile out of my pocket, to sms her thanks. The phone rang. It was one of my bosses, telling me, she had been involved in an accident and it's not looking good. I raced to the scene. It was too late, she had passed. I got to sit in the back of the ambulance with her. I balled my eyes out, oh how I cried.She was still warm, but her tooth was chipped and she was lifeless. That is the beginning of this journey, this hole, that I keep falling into. For days and nights, I cried and cried. I made myself busy. I went back to work quick, I took on big life changing tasks, I took on new hobbies. I put on a brave face. But this hole, this almost blank feeling, it is hard.I suppose when you love someone with everything you have, more than yourself, finding solace can be damn near impossible. I have good friends, good family. I bet they care. But I feel alone sometimes, almost feel cursed. I know there are many going through far worse, but my drive for life has gone. I was so happy, so much to live for, now I just have hope. Sorry for making any who read this feel down, but writing it I think, and sharing, perhaps, helps. Take care

lkjtjdp I don't know how to help my partner cope with grief
  • replies: 1

My partner has lost both his son and his father over the last three years. He feels incredibly guilty over the death of his son and feels he is a fault. He hadn't seen his son in over 10 years and missed a cry for help from another family member. He ... View more

My partner has lost both his son and his father over the last three years. He feels incredibly guilty over the death of his son and feels he is a fault. He hadn't seen his son in over 10 years and missed a cry for help from another family member. He has never properly addressed these feelings and drinks heavily. His family background is profoundly sad and I will never fully understand the suffering he has endured throughout his life. Recently he has had some more bad news which is compounding his depression. He is a very stubborn and headstrong individual and has told me many times he will not see a mental health professional. I know I am the only person who knows about the gravity of his pain and feel compelled to help him. I worry that he will do something stupid one day, and I will be the only person who can stop it. But I don't know what to do. I love him more than I can describe and can't bear the thought of loosing him.

Jo3 How to grieve
  • replies: 7

Last Friday I heard the most devastating news. My 23 yr old niece committed suicide due to an overdose on drugs. She was always a troubled child from a very young age. And to make things worse, my niece's mum took an overdose Friday afternoon and is ... View more

Last Friday I heard the most devastating news. My 23 yr old niece committed suicide due to an overdose on drugs. She was always a troubled child from a very young age. And to make things worse, my niece's mum took an overdose Friday afternoon and is in hospital. It so devastating. I am really struggling to come to terms with this. Even though I haven't seen my niece for over 10 years due to the divorce of her parents (my brother) and I just feel there was never a family connection with them. But, still she was my niece, she was family, she was someone's child. I feel so much for her mum and part of me feels sorry for my brother. But my situation is so difficult as i am coming to terms with being sexually abused as a child by 3 different guys and one of them was my brother. No one knows this except my husband. I have been dealing with this for 3 yrs now and my parents abandoned me when I told them. It feels like one big mess, my head feels like a tangled web with me trying to get out. I have no motivation to do anything at home. I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone; i just want to be left alone and lie around and think of my beautiful niece and the times when she would come over to our place to play with our kids. It;s so sad to lose contact with family members and now it's too late to say - what if i did this or what if i did that. I'm grieving and it's affecting my depression and anxiety; i don't know how to cope Jo

britt Getting stuff of my chest for the first time
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone I have never really been one to open up to people but everyone's threads and courage moved me to share my story. I am a 15 year old girl, the daughter of a basket baller and this is the story of my long ongoing journey My Dad was abusive ... View more

Hi everyone I have never really been one to open up to people but everyone's threads and courage moved me to share my story. I am a 15 year old girl, the daughter of a basket baller and this is the story of my long ongoing journey My Dad was abusive towards my mum throughout my childhood both verbally and physically i saw him hurt her so many times. when i was in year 3 they finally split up and i thought it would finally end, but really it was just the beginning. I spent half my time at dads and half at mums for 3 years i was abused and hurt at dads i had knifes held to me and i got told i was a stupid child and i would never make it anywhere being a girl. when i stayed with dad he literally had a different woman every night, most weren't very nice. My dad fractured my ribs and we where in and out of court for many years, it was hard being so young and exposed to all this that most kids had never even heard of. My childhood was taken over by judges people turning me against my parents and countless tears. When I turned 13 my dad finally decided to move states to be with his mum and dad. At first i thought this was great due to all the pain he had caused but at the same time i loved him even though he didn't love me i felt like i needed a father. Dad and I kept in contact by phone and email for the first year, but then he just suddenly stopped all contact and no longer wanted to talk or hold a relationship anymore, I was heart broken. This year I found out my dad was and is addicted to many drugs and was unpredictable, and unable to be a good dad for me. He also has a Narcissistic disorder. 2 weeks ago I got diagnosed with 2 eating disorders, due to childhood trauma and what my dad did to me that never got professionally seen to. thank you for reading my story

patty lost, confused , not coping
  • replies: 3

My husband who has been my life for 18 years has left me. we seperated 6 months ago where we both rented houses seperately. I have 2 kids 16 & 10 who stayed with me this whole time. Our first seperation started from when I allowed my physio to undo m... View more

My husband who has been my life for 18 years has left me. we seperated 6 months ago where we both rented houses seperately. I have 2 kids 16 & 10 who stayed with me this whole time. Our first seperation started from when I allowed my physio to undo my bra. Hindsight would never do again. Whilst i was home with my kids he had a life where he was going out with mates. I was nasty to him, just like he was to me. In the last two months my lung has collapsed twice with the most reccent being 2 weeks ago. I have had to quit smoking for the reason that this may be causing my lung to collapse. I find out friday when i have my operation to fix this problem. So in total i am trying to deal with 3 things at once. If i picked up a smoke then the seperation would be easier to cope with but then my lung may collapse again. Its a no win situation for me. We have always the last 6 months fought and called names and told each other we were leaving. I would never have done it but he wants to now see someone from his work place. It seems he used me the last 6 months as his babysitter as he never had the kids stay with him. I feel betrayed and hurt but the main question is how do i pick myself up and move on. I never imagined my life would come to this.

Reanna85 Loss of my baby, why am I still here???
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am only new to this but I feel like I need help and only feel comfortable talking to strangers. My husband and I were expecting our first baby three years ago. We were so excited but at 38 weeks I noticed she wasn't moving much so I went to the... View more

Hi, I am only new to this but I feel like I need help and only feel comfortable talking to strangers. My husband and I were expecting our first baby three years ago. We were so excited but at 38 weeks I noticed she wasn't moving much so I went to the doctor and they bluntly told me "there is no heartbeat". I didn't understand and then had to deliver my baby girl the next day, she wasn't crying, she was so still. My husband and I rarely talk about it, and have since had two healthy children, but I have suffered depression since my first. I tried to speak to several councillors but never felt comfortable. Meditation etc may help for some people but it isn't for me. Now my depression is affecting the relationship with my husband and kids. I am always angry and feel stuck in a rut. I don't even know how to explain the way I feel or explain what it is doing to my family but I don't want to lose my husband, and I want my kids to remember me as a happy mum, not who I am now. I carry on life like everything is normal to my extended family. My parents and siblings have no idea how I feel, they see me smile and think everything is ok, but don't know that I think about ending my life on a daily basis. I have no friends, I have never really had friends. I feel so alone in my thoughts and would love some guidance on what to do? I think my kids are better off without me with me in this state of mind....