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BeyondBlue Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 0

Hey there,Welcome to the Grief and Loss section of the Beyond Blue Forums. This section is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you- providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and annivers... View more

Hey there,Welcome to the Grief and Loss section of the Beyond Blue Forums. This section is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you- providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This - and anything in between - is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to share your grief, and let others support you. Please be aware that discussions in this section of the Forums may include references to self-harm and suicide. Treat yourself gently as you read through this section. If need more immediate support, we recommend reaching out to the following: Beyond Blue Support Service – any time, chat online to a counsellor or call 1300 22 4636 Griefline – between 8am and 8pm (AEST), call 1300 845 745 to chat with a specially trained volunteer You are not alone in this, and we are here to support one another. Thank you for being here. Kind regards,Beyond Blue

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Trying_to_sort_it_out Confusing grief with relationship stress?
  • replies: 3

I lost my last remaining close family member almost a year ago. She was my rock, who loved me for everything that I was and everything that I wasn't, truly unconditional love. This has obviously been a massive jolt to my system, especially as I am th... View more

I lost my last remaining close family member almost a year ago. She was my rock, who loved me for everything that I was and everything that I wasn't, truly unconditional love. This has obviously been a massive jolt to my system, especially as I am the kind of person who people would not necessarily believe would suffer from a lack of self-esteem; I am outgoing, play lots of sports and have a job which requires me to be 'forthright'. However, lack of self-esteem I do sometimes have, and like all of those types of things, this is worse when I am under stress, tired, etc. To lose her lost me my final back-stop, the one person who had known me all my life and loved me without reserve. I have friends, one of whom is amazing at putting things into perspective but she lives in the UK, has a family and with time-zone differences, I don't like to bother her too much. I have a couple of good friends here but they have busy lives also and I don't want to 'use-up' all their time. I started my first same-sex relationship a few days before Wendy died (my first relationship in 15 years) and it has not been smooth sailing. She is a great person but we are very different and i can't tell if some of the problems between us are caused by my grief, by the differences between us or other factors. I am afraid that I am staying in a relationship I am not suited to in order to have someone there, to compensate for my loss and am willing to put up with a damaging relationship to not be completely alone. In the same vein but opposite side, I am afraid to let it go as we still seem to have something special but are having what are normal relationship difficulties but i can't deal with them because I a) haven't ever really been in a 'proper' relationship and b) I'm a bit all over the place with grief. I can't deny that we are very different, she is very scientific in her thinking and American and I am more spiritual, a feeling person and english by birth. But I am very scared of losing something special that just needs a bit of work and suffered from the trauma of my loss but at the same time I am also worried that my grief is being made worse by my possibly staying in a relationship that isn't good for me and is making my emotional instability worse; I really am in a quandry and trying to work it all out. Thanks for this forum, it has helped just to 'say it out loud' so to speak.

JesseKat Doesn't EXIST - no grave or marker for my baby twin brother
  • replies: 2

I've always known I was one of twins. My wee brother John died 24 hours old. My Dad was the only one to see him. We were born 12 weeks prem. There is no grave or marker for John. My Dad said he went up in smoke like comes out of a chimney. I've now f... View more

I've always known I was one of twins. My wee brother John died 24 hours old. My Dad was the only one to see him. We were born 12 weeks prem. There is no grave or marker for John. My Dad said he went up in smoke like comes out of a chimney. I've now found out theres no record for him either. No stillborn record looked. No birth certificate record looked. No death certificate record looked. My wee twin John who is part of me , been part of me all my life, who has lived with me. Never recorded? Is there no official paperwork for wee John. Are we the family the only ones who know. So that when we all die no one will know he was. I have no one to ask my parents are now dead . Him and I against the world and against and for each other. Funny but he and I have had a love and hate relationship all along. He's me and I'm him.

Minimoo Grief and moving forward
  • replies: 3

My fiancée passed away unexpectedly a year ago... I am now struggling with having a purpose - I feel like the life I wanted and all our dreams disappeared with my love. Whilst I have friends and family around I am desperately lonely and can't really ... View more

My fiancée passed away unexpectedly a year ago... I am now struggling with having a purpose - I feel like the life I wanted and all our dreams disappeared with my love. Whilst I have friends and family around I am desperately lonely and can't really see a purpose anymore. I just feel lost - how do I pull myself back into life? Everything seems overwhelming and small tasks seem too big to tackle. Anyone who has been in a similar situation I would love to hear your advice.

Neil_1 Six months today :( :(
  • replies: 4

Ok, so I was wrong. I was posting to another member the other day (it could well have been Alan) and saying that my Mum sadly left this world on 14th October 2014 and that next week (ie: today) will be 6 months to the exact day. I said that I would b... View more

Ok, so I was wrong. I was posting to another member the other day (it could well have been Alan) and saying that my Mum sadly left this world on 14th October 2014 and that next week (ie: today) will be 6 months to the exact day. I said that I would be no sadder on that day than I've been already. But I was wrong. I'm down, well I have been for a fair while now, but I'm down and it feels like the black dog has got hob-nailed boots on all four paws and he's booting me. It'll pass I guess, but at the moment, things ain't good. I try and focus on the good times, but for me, that doesn't work just yet. Way too early.

KP_2014 My Dad
  • replies: 11

I lost my dad 18 November 2014. I have hurt every day since. 31, daddy's girl, married - facing losing my husband because of my grief. I can't even see that it's that bad, yeah I'm sad and just going say to day, but I can't even see the hurt I'm caus... View more

I lost my dad 18 November 2014. I have hurt every day since. 31, daddy's girl, married - facing losing my husband because of my grief. I can't even see that it's that bad, yeah I'm sad and just going say to day, but I can't even see the hurt I'm causing around me, or the spark that has gone from within myself. i get upset, I get angry, it's unfair, I feel like lying in bed all day, I want to be alone... All of these things I think and feel. I have been told theres a two month waiting list for counselling in my area - great! I feel like I'm about to lose everything.... I supported my husband when he fell apart after dads death (anxiety and depression are his demons). So why am I left with the "to do" list?! rant over - any and all advice welcome.

JustTiffanyxo Grief, loss & regret.
  • replies: 6

Just some words to describe today. Abhorrent;Atrocious;Awful;Disturbing;Dreadful;Extreme;Frightful;Harrowing;Dreaded;Unwelcome; Vile & Hideous.I'm sure I could keep going but what's the point? Why? What happened today?It was my brother's birthday tod... View more

Just some words to describe today. Abhorrent;Atrocious;Awful;Disturbing;Dreadful;Extreme;Frightful;Harrowing;Dreaded;Unwelcome; Vile & Hideous.I'm sure I could keep going but what's the point? Why? What happened today?It was my brother's birthday today. He would have been 21. I still feel so incomplete about his passing. I remember the night quite well. It's emblazoned into my brain for eternity and it haunts me all the time.This day, every year, is still so incredibly hard. I can't remember a time when we celebrated that day as a family after he passed. It is/was so hard. Too damn hard. If I set my mind loose about my brother, it is always brought back to the night that he died. I was 12. He was 6. I remember seeing this tiny child in my mother's arms, tubes and wires going everywhere.I didn't believe that he was going to die.He always pulled through everything.My brother, the fighter.I remember becoming concerned when I saw a Doctor talking to mum, the Doctor broke down in tears and I just knew this was the end. I ran to my brother and pleaded and pleaded with him not to go.Pleaded that I would be a better sister and that I would protect him more.I pleaded so hard, I even said prayers to God, even though it had been a very long time since I had come close to saying a prayer. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I watched them pull around the curtains. I frantically pleaded with my brother not to go, not to leave me. I remember looking up at the monitors and looking at his heart rate.I remember the number 186 His little heart was beating 186 beats a minute.Then I saw the numbers fall.We were losing him.I remember the nurse turning off all the monitors and alarms and left the bedside.I remember hysterically pleading with him to not go, that we had a lifetime of things to do together.I was beyond hysterical.What was I going to do with out him?. I remember seeing a lifeless little body, my brother was dead. This is why I don't do anything on my brother's birthday. Every time I think of him, this is what I remember. I can't get it out of my head. It's like it's burnt forever in my memory, those thoughts and memories aren't going anywhere. It's too HARD to celebrate when this is what I think of when this time of year comes around. LIFE IS TOO HARD. LIFE IS UNFORGIVING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Why are you sad? I DON'T KNOW. What's wrong? I DON'T KNOW. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I feel defeated. And hopeless. Why? I DON'T KNOW. I AM BROKEN.

Mg1986 Sudden death of a parent at a young age
  • replies: 1

We found my mum passed away on Christmas Day 2014, cause still unknown. On top of it, my brother and I are looking after everything as mum was divorced a year before this after 35 years of marriage. I wish I got time to say a proper good bye, the sho... View more

We found my mum passed away on Christmas Day 2014, cause still unknown. On top of it, my brother and I are looking after everything as mum was divorced a year before this after 35 years of marriage. I wish I got time to say a proper good bye, the shock has been intense. This is on top of various family issues. I want to try and make sure that everyone makes the most of time with their loved ones. This grief is unbelievable especially with the sudden and unexpected circumstances. There's a big hole in my life and I know it'll get better. I'm very fortunate to have beautiful friends and colleagues. I don't know how I'd have survived without these people. One strange thing is, the very little information on grieving when this happens (direct contact) I'm still waiting nearly 3 months later for counselling via the coroners court, although I ended up sourcing out my own. I now cry every time I see a news article on accidents, or sudden deaths, feeling for the family that weren't able to tell the deceased how they feel. I feel for those family members and friends so much.

Ely1994 I miss my mum!
  • replies: 6

It's been 10 months since mum passed away, and it's getting harder instead of easier. I hate burdening family and friends with my grief when they are dealing with their own problems, but I need to vent and cry and scream and let it all out. I thought... View more

It's been 10 months since mum passed away, and it's getting harder instead of easier. I hate burdening family and friends with my grief when they are dealing with their own problems, but I need to vent and cry and scream and let it all out. I thought time made things better but it hasn't at all. Just want my mum back!

GK_73 Loss of Parents
  • replies: 2

Have started writing this a number of times now, and am not sure where to start so I guess I’ll jump right in... My parents passed away within 5 weeks of each other last year. Mum passed first, which came as quite a shock, as although she had emphyse... View more

Have started writing this a number of times now, and am not sure where to start so I guess I’ll jump right in... My parents passed away within 5 weeks of each other last year. Mum passed first, which came as quite a shock, as although she had emphysema we had been told time and time again by the specialists that she was not anywhere near end stage yet. Dad had dementia, so we made the tough decision not to tell him mum had passed as he was at long last settled in a care home, and hadn’t known mum the last time she had visited. We felt he had had a tough enough time and it would only cause him unnecessary distress. But it would seem that after 50 plus years of marriage there are ties that dementia cannot destroy as on the day of my mums funeral, my dad turned to one of his carers and said “you know my wife is gone”. From that moment, he moved quickly through the end stages of dementia, stopped eating and drinking, and slowly slipped away from us over the following weeks. The best thing we could do for him was to make sure he was not in any pain and let him know it was ok to go, after years of mental torment it was time for him to find peace. I thought I was ready for losing dad, I had mourned our relationship years ago, when he no longer recognised me – although I still felt there was always an emotional connection when I saw him. I know now you are never fully prepared. I have good days and bad, and had actually felt I was doing really well as this year started, but the last couple of days have been tough, I have found myself exhausted and the tears have started flowing again... It would have been their 53rd wedding anniversary in the middle of Feb, and around this time last year was the last time I spent any quality time with my mum – I’m an ex-pat so all my family are overseas. I have a great doctor and have been for counselling and I know everything I’m experiencing is a normal part of the grieving process. I also know how lucky I am to have had both my parents with me for so long. I just needed an outlet today so hope it’s ok to share on here, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is experiencing this sort of situation so maybe it will help others to know they’re not alone.

JFD Losing my husband
  • replies: 3

I just don't know what to do. I've been married for 2 years, together for 10, and now my husband says he's no longer in love with me. We have a 2 year old child and hubby is sleeping in another bed the past couple weeks. Yesterday he told me he's bee... View more

I just don't know what to do. I've been married for 2 years, together for 10, and now my husband says he's no longer in love with me. We have a 2 year old child and hubby is sleeping in another bed the past couple weeks. Yesterday he told me he's been happier since doing this. We've both seen a counsellor individually a couple times and hubby admits he's depressed. I'm pretty sure it's mostly based on relationship issues we've had for 3 years or so (I think I got depressed after my Dad died and then I possibly got postnatal depression too and somehow put up walls against intimacy, so barely any sex. He then felt rejected and now no longer loves me. We've been together since we were 18). It's just that I love him so very much and haven't shown it and now I'm scared it's too late. He's leaning towards separation and has even taken his wedding ring off. There was also a brief infidelity moment on his part, I guess because he felt so emotionally rejected himself. He says he isn't sure what he wants which is why he's still living with us, but the counsellor makes him question things but he's no longer sexually attracted to me either. He has mentioned not making any big decisions until he is sure but I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel so rejected. We also work together. He has brought up such issues of splitting our belongingings and who should get what and seems to think too much water has passed under the bridge but is being plenty nice to me. I don't know how to deal with my pain. I really want us to try and work through this and love each other again (a long road I know), but he just seems genuinely like he's lost those feelings. Do I just give up? I feel like he's going to move out soon. I've tried to back off but have told him I'm there and I won't give up. But I'm gutted and just don't know what to do. I feel like giving up. He really is the love of my life.

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