Broken

[Brokenandbruised]

I'm hoping someone can help me. I've always suffered from depression, but over the past few months it has become very severe. I don't work currently because my job was a contract position but has ended. I can't even think about looking for a new one yet, because I'm extremely depressed and I am having suicidal thoughts. I know I'm experiencing a nervous breakdown. At the moment it seems like things are going from bad to worse. I ended a relationship about 8 months ago,but I recently texted him to ask him to pay back some money he owes me. He really went crazy, he was very angry and sent me abusive texts saying I wronged him so he's not going to pay me a cent. He said he despises me and wishes I would die. It made me very distressed.

Also there's a guy I care about who I've not met in person. We talk on the phone. He's very ill right now, his kidneys are failing. We got back in contact recently. I've "known" him for 11 years. So at first it was great. We were completely at ease with each other like we used to be. We hadn't spoken before this for about 4 years mainly because I was in a relationship. He makes me laugh and he's always had a positive effect on me. He's encouraged me in the past to find work and improve my life. In the past we become very close. But as time went on it became more emotional at least for me. I developed strong feelings for him, and I think he did for me also. He told me a few times in the past that he loved me. And I certainly felt the same. 

So when we first spoke again.he tried to "chat" me up.  I wanted to be friends again. So I resisted his advances on that call, but I told him to call back later that night. I guess I wanted to make him happy. And I felt that emotional connection again. But the problem was he didn't know that I've put on a lot of weight in the past few years. I showed him a photo in the past. He asked me to send another one of me now. So I did. Now I think I made a big mistake. The next day he called me and said "do you want to talk about the photo?" So he said that he'd noticed that I've "stacked" on the weight. I said yes I do eat for emotional reasons. He told me I should go to my doctor and do something about it. He said he was concerned for my health. But he also said because he is very sick, he can't take on or help other people with their problems. He told me he wanted me to lift my game and make progress with my issues. And he said if I haven't done that by the next time we speak he won't speak to me again because he hasn't got time to waste.

He said he was going to hospital and would contact me once he got home. I left him some messages, as it was ver a week before I heard from him again. He said he didn't feel good and was going away for a few weeks to think about his life. He asked me not to text or call him as he won't be taking his phone and needs time alone. So now it's been over a week since he said this. I haven't contacted him, but I miss him so much. I can't help but think that now he knows my true weight that he's lost interest. But I know he is very ill. So maybe he was telling the truth and needs time alone. He did say during our last conversation that he wasn't sure what was going to happen between us. So maybe he needs time to think about how he feels about me. When we first spoke again after our break, one of the first things he asked me was did I have a boyfriend or was I married. Which I took to mean he was interested to know. But that was before he knew about my weight. 

So I guess I'd like some advice in general about my depression, I am thinking more about suicide. I just need to numb myself and stop this pain. It's not just because of this guy that I feel this way. But if he rejects me, it will kill me. Because I believe we could be good together. And I want to be there for him and give my love to him. Maybe love isn't for me.  But why has he come back in my life. And if he'd going to disappear what was the point of that. I've loved this man for 11 years, I know that this might seem impossible as we haven't met in person yet, but I know we had a deep connection. We have a strong chemistry, which is more than sexual. 

Even if he just wants to be friends, I could live with that. I just will want to die even more if he doesn't want to be even friends. 

I might be reading things into what he said. Maybe he really just needs time to think. I would appreciate if anyone could offer their thoughts and advice. I really don't see the point of living, I just can't take the suffering anymore. I can't understand why for some people happiness comes easy. I will be waiting for some advice. 

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[JessF]

Hello Brokenandbruised, I am so glad you have come here, I hope that in reading the stories of others here that you might not feel so alone and broken.  It breaks my heart when I read how badly some people treat others, and that those of us who are depressed will accept that behaviour - almost as if we don't think we deserve any better.

Putting the love and relationship issue aside for a moment - let's get serious about your depression. This is an illness, and when it is making you feel suicidal (and it is the illness talking here) then that is very serious. Please please talk to your doctor about this. You don't mention what, if any, treatment or help you are receiving at the moment.

Thoughts are what make us function in the world, and depression is the cruellest of all diseases I think because it attacks and disrupts the way we think.  For example, your depression is making you think that you cannot live or life is not worth living if you do not have a relationship with your online friend. The reality is, despite what your thoughts tell you (and Hollywood movies for that matter), the world is full of people who you can connect with and who will love you for who YOU are and not who they want you to be.

I am reading the comments that this man has made to you online and it doesn't sound like a relationship that is built on mutual respect and desire.  His tactless referral to you "stacking" on the weight, him telling you to get over your issues, and him telling you that he can't deal with your problems because he has enough of his own. These are big red flashing warning signs. Even if he were ringing you up tomorrow and proposing marriage I would be advising caution.

Too often we can rush into relationships because we feel so low in ourselves that we are desperate for someone to love us, at any cost. If you don't respect and love yourself first and foremost, you will not be ready to give your love to someone else. And brokenandbruised, that WILL happen, trust me it will.  But it is very important you focus on yourself before looking for salvation through someone else, that is puytting the cart before the horse.