I am so confused

[guest75]

This is the 3rd time i've posted this, i think the first time my session timed out before i posted but the 2nd time i got the message that it had gone through but its never showed up and that was over 2 days ago so apologies if it that one appears along with this one...

Earlier last week Tara sent me quite a nasty email basically threatening my access to the kids because i took them out without my mother to a fun park when the "parenting agreement" stated i couldnt do that alone until May.  It also stated I wouldnt be allowed to take them to the night procession of the easter fair on saturday night because it wasnt recorded in the mediation agreement even though we had discussed it and agreed on it.  She also asked for Kate's mum's number to talk to as that was agreed in mediation she would talk to her before the kids stayed there...

I didnt answer for 4 days and when i did i asked nicely to take them to the procession and told her there was no need to ring Kates mum as we were seperated and the kids would no longer be going there... her response has me totally confused

She responsed saying that its fine i take them, and that if i needed any help in seeing the kids while my mum is overseas for 2 weeks to let her know and she would see what she could do to help me out...Why is she suddenly being so nice?

Please dont judge me for this as i have already judged myself and am very angry at myself, but i've come to a realisation that i am still in love with Tara and would take her back given the chance despite everythign she has done to me....I think this is why it didnt work with kate, because she wasnt Tara...

How dumb am i? seriously, i know its stupid of me, but i still want to be with her...Im a glutton for punishment

[Mares73]

Dear Matty you sure have been riding a roller coaster of emotions. I think I'm going to try be objective on this topic-because I care not because I'm judging you. When things came to an end with Katy you realised that you hadn't ever really been on your own & it was so easy to get involved with Katy because it helped with the feelings of being hurt ECT & you yourself admitted you probably got involved so quickly as you were craving love & affection. Now things have ended with Katy you are considering going back to Tara with whom there were many difficulties in the relationship & you indicated that Tara was very critical of you & so on. Now you are in limbo-are you possibly considering returning to Tara to avoid the pain of another failed relationship? Are you really still in love with her or have you put her on a pedestal in your mind because you are alone again & craving affection & don't want to be single as its unknown territory & you have fears about living by yourself? I guess I'm trying to say whilst Tara & Katy are different people-you seem to be in a pattern with a particular type of woman. My advice-

if your really sure you are still in love with Tara would be to go & talk to her, tell her how you feel but also suggest if its going to have another chance-that you both attend relationship counselling & that you start with dates etc so you still have say 3mnthsbto yourself to get to know what you like & want & experience being on your own for a period before returning to Tara. It's important you discuss this with Tara ASAP so she too can decide whether its worth another go & that you'd start afresh by attending couple counselling. Like I said-I still think it would be highly beneficial for you to spent some time on your own, work on your issues & have the courage to say to Tara even during a counselling session where it feels safe-that a large part of the relationship issues for you was not feeling that you communicated & compromised together. I recall that was a big issue-you felt you always had to deny your needs & interests-and this is crucial to a fair, equal relationship-that both partners feel they can express their needs & both allow for each other to have their own time & interests without criticism. An example for you may be watching the footy. Whilst Tara may have no interest in footy, you should be allowed to watch it as it is something you really enjoy & she could do something else during the game. Same compromise goes for Tara-she may have an interest, hobby or something she personally enjoys-and she should be encouraged to pursue her interests (same as you should be) & if you don't share that same interest well you could find something else to do. I'm saying this because from memory, the ability to compromise has been a major issue in your relationship. And you may want to explain instances like that to her as previous problems you had in the relationship & as one reason for tring counselling together. Firstly you need to know ASAP if she is interested in giving the relationship another go-because if she has moved on you need to know ASAP before you start planning things in your mind. I also think it could be wise to write down all the reasons the relationship wasn't healthy before you left-and you may wish to go over your earlier posts to recall how you felt about the relationship with Tara & why it didn't work-many of the issues are listed in your earlier posts. I guess Matty everything has happened so fast & I'm concerned you may be going from one fire to another & back again-and is it about Tara as a person despite all the hurt you felt-or is it a deep need to be loved & comforted by someone. For example if you met a really lovely generous hearted girl today would you still be thinking you were sure of Tara when the girl could be someone with a massive heart who encouraged your interests & made you feel special? Only you know the answer to that. But I'd suggest talking to Tara about possibilities for you to move forward together ASAP as you don't know if she's met someone else or is definite that she doesn't want to try again. That's Step 1& until you get an answer to that you can't move forward. So good luck, I hope you get to talk to her ASAP & also mention the idea of counselling, compromising & a new start. My only hesitation Matty is that you haven't given yourself time to heal & have time to experience life just for you-you've gone straight from relationship to another relationship & back again. Are you sure you don't need time to get your own place, eat/drink/watch TV & do all the things you enjoy & get to a place in yourself where your confident about who you are, what you enjoy & the type of life you want to end up sharing with Tara? Maybe you can work it out with her if she's willing to compromise as well. But step 1-find out if she's open to another go & doing it differently this time. I hope you can do this soon & hope to hear how things are as you progress. Lve Mares x

[guest75]

Hi Mares,

Thank you again for your wonderful reply...I just need to point out a few things.

1) due to the IVO, i can contact for any reason other than access to the kids, so i cant tell her how i feel, etc until July 22nd.  So that forces me to be by myself until then, infact i am sitting at work at the minute working out what i need to buy when i get my own place

2) Tara does have a new boyfriend the kids have told me this, and she confirmed it in mediation.  But the kids also told me on the weekend that he is moving back to queensland for 12 months so not sure what she plans to do there, continue long distance or what

3) I would never tell her how im feeling.  She ended it with me, so if i did that I would just look desperate and i dont want to do that, i want to show her that she didnt defeat me that i am strong without her....but if she told me she still had feelings for me it would be a different story

It has got me thinking, like i said i posted this originally on saturday so have been thinking about it for a few days...could the reason i have lingering feelings for her be because i never had any closure? She left the house the morning everything happened and as far as i know everything would be fine then the police arrived with the IVO....I never heard her say she didnt love me anymore, that she didnt want to be with me....maybe if i heard her say that to me it would allow my mind to close it off? I dont know

Thanks again Mares

[Neil_1]

G’day Matty

Mares provided a ripping post to you – well thought out and expressed and gave you plenty to contemplate.

Now my view on it all – you’re currently in a very fragile and emotional state.  As Mares said, you most likely don’t want to be alone during this time and that’s why you’re possibly thinking about the option of SWWNBN.  Remember that?

Matty, please go back through your posts of a couple of months ago – and read them carefully.

I’ve heard of the rebound system thing – but you’re currently bouncing around like a super-ball (remember those things … boy they could almost take an eye out, back in the day!!)

The stuff you’ve raised above I believe are issues that you just don’t need to be concerned with right now.  I think SWWNBN had a change of response to you when she found out that you and the “other SWWNBN Part II” have split up – and so she just relaxed her position/her guard on things.  Which is a pretty nice thing to do – but that is “end of story”. 

Me thinks you shouldn’t be reading any further into it than that – take it at face value and think, “ok, that was nice of her to respond in that way.  Good stuff, now what I am having for dinner tonight?”

It does have me very confused though – there is an IVO in place and yet she can still contact you AND then you’re able to respond back to her?    Is that not going outside the rules of the IVO?   I don’t have any idea what you can and can’t do – but just raised that cause you mentioned it and about a date in July when you can make contact with her again?  But it seems that over the weekend you both have texted.  Is that allowed?   I’m not playing police here, I’m just inquisitive.

So Matty, my blokes advice is to:   find as soon as you can (but having said that, don’t rush into it – I mean it’s a place that you want to spend a fair amount of time in – being your “own” place) but do try and locate a place for yourself as soon as practical – I don’t know what you are after for a place, but suggestions – locations, how airy/light is it?  Windows and the like, condition of it, parking?  Distance from your work?  Distance from where your kids are?   I don’t know, just thought I’d run a few things by you, but you’ve already probably got a checklist of things to tick off for that “perfect place”. 

So yeah, find one, and then set about the timing of moving into it, and then setting it up to your desired level of Matty-ville.  Bean-bags, and mini bar fridges every few feet – play stations, ex box, myface and other such electronic technological delights for today’s discerning gamers!  

See, I’ve got no idea when it comes to stuff like that. But there you have it – my version of things. 

Drop the thoughts of reconciliation – grab that super ball and shove it back in your pocket – set up the new Matty-pad and enjoy single life. Just my 60 cents worth.

Cheers

Neil

[guest75]

Neil

Gee the old 2c has been hit badly by inflation, all the way up to 60c now!

And i know you're right, its a bad idea for me to be with her ever again, but as i said i think its what caused me to run from Katy, because she wasnt Tara....im scared it may affect any relationship i have going forward unless i deal with it and i dont know how to do that...like i said i never got to hear her tell me she didnt love me, that she didnt want to be with me

ANd with regards to contact, we are allowed to be in contact via text or email with issues relating to the children (ie access, what time are they getting dropped off etc) and she also is sending me updates on how they are going with school etc

I have the $$ ready to go for my own place but cant do anything about it until I know where i will be working next...I am looking for jobs all over victoria so could be in any number of regional locations or back in the big smoke so cant get a place until i know where i will be working...but I am thinking even if it means travelling I will still try and get someone close to the kids for my "matty-pad"