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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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Beetle Friend died suddenly yesterday.I feel numb. Is this normal?
  • replies: 6

I just lost a friend yesterday. She had an accident. I feel nothing. I am numb. This freaks me out.I feel i am a freak since i am numb.Is this normal? I am on SNRI's and wonder if they can block feelings especailly negative feelings?Or does my body j... View more

I just lost a friend yesterday. She had an accident. I feel nothing. I am numb. This freaks me out.I feel i am a freak since i am numb.Is this normal? I am on SNRI's and wonder if they can block feelings especailly negative feelings?Or does my body just protect itself by not allowing me to feel grief ?( i had 3 funerals this year already) Thanks for your help Beetle

Elias 4 years on ,still grieving.
  • replies: 1

Lost my only son 3 and half years ago to suicide.keeping all my feeling to myself,acting that I am fine in front of my wife and daughter,but I just had enough.is there anyone that had similar experience.

Lost my only son 3 and half years ago to suicide.keeping all my feeling to myself,acting that I am fine in front of my wife and daughter,but I just had enough.is there anyone that had similar experience.

mash lost in grief and depression
  • replies: 4

This is a first post for me . my husband of 34 years died of a heart attack 2 months ago this was devestating. I have nightmares of those lasts minutes seeing the many ambulance officers jabbing him with needles etc. It felt like I was on auto pilot ... View more

This is a first post for me . my husband of 34 years died of a heart attack 2 months ago this was devestating. I have nightmares of those lasts minutes seeing the many ambulance officers jabbing him with needles etc. It felt like I was on auto pilot for ages and I was coping but after the funeral it became harder it was like someone had ripped away half of me my stronger half was gone my identity was gone my place in the world was gone I didn't know who I was as a single person, I still don't. I constatly cried uncrontroled especially at night never liked people to see me this way I was the one people came to for help I didn't really know who or how to ask for me. l got intouch with a free councilor after a few sessions I told her every night I thought of suicide even had a plan. then before I new I was having a panic attack but really thought it was a heart attack. I ended up in emergency then the mental health ward for 2 weeks under suicide watch. This alone was another nightmare it felt like I was being punished for telling someone how I felt I was in jail I lost control over my life nobody even myself trusted me. I am at home now struggling again with thoughts of suicide and feeling useless the doctors say its complicated grief depression and anxiety. please this is not all of my story is there anyone who has been through this I need to know there is light up there I keep sinking lower and lower each day. Mental health unit are setting up support and I have found a different councilor I feel I can trust and talk to but I seem to go backwards most nights. I have never been alone or a single person before I feel lost don't know who I am don't know if or where I fit in the world.

Debz89 i lost my mum who had been sick for over 10 years
  • replies: 4

My ex has been in jail now for almost 2 years. i was with him and dedicated to staying with him there was no doubt about it. A year into him being in jail i lost my mum who had been sick for over 10 years. Losing my mum really hit me and up until tod... View more

My ex has been in jail now for almost 2 years. i was with him and dedicated to staying with him there was no doubt about it. A year into him being in jail i lost my mum who had been sick for over 10 years. Losing my mum really hit me and up until today i still havent dealt with losing her, it will be a year next week. This changed things for me so much i ended things with my ex. At this point i wasnt looking for another relationship but found one anyway. Ive been with him for a while now but recently my feelings came back for my ex. It has been so hard for me because i have felt so torn between both of them, it wasnt fair to either of them i know. I spoke to my partner and told him the situation and it crushed him. He knows about mu ex and all the dramas there. So ive been talking to my family about it who where close to my ex, and i feel like they are judging me and trying to push my ex back on me. I just feel so over whemed and since making the decision to stay with my new guy one my family members arent too happy about it. I just feel so alone right now, the people that are suppose to be there for you through thick and thin and support you regardless of the choices you make. To judge you when they dont know how your feeling or even understand. i have no friends lost contact with them after i finished school so i dont have anyone to talk to.

Brooke It's just too much!
  • replies: 1

I am so tired of it all. Just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world. Here's my story. After busting my husband 3x on dating websites, we split up for a year. The kids stayed with me but visited him often. Then my little sister came to visit,... View more

I am so tired of it all. Just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world. Here's my story. After busting my husband 3x on dating websites, we split up for a year. The kids stayed with me but visited him often. Then my little sister came to visit, and ended up staying for 5 MONTHS! Her son was quite problematic, and she desperately needed help with him. However, my eldest who has Aspergers really wasn't coping with having this other child there, the routine was out of whack, they hated each other etc. when his grades started slipping I decided to send them to live with their father, as it was a better place for them at that time, and my sister had nowhere else to go. So, fast forward, hubby and I decide to get back together, and move to Qld from Vic. I went first, then a month later they all came and joined me. Start getting things worked out, next thing, my father finds out he has cancer. So I went down to visit him, I had to argue with my husband who didn't want me to go, but I put my foot down. Every time I tried to talk to my husband about Dad he would just say "it's his own fault, because he's a smoker." In a really nasty tone. So I stopped talking to him about it, I think that is when I drew into myself, and started holding everything in. Looking back, that is about the time my depression started. One night, I meant to ring Dad but was at work and forgot. At 3:30am I got a phone call saying he had died. I can't help feeling guilty for forgetting that phone call. i went down for the funeral, after again arguing with hubby about how long I was going. Dad has left his estate in a mess, and out of all the family, I'm the only one who even has a remote hope of fixing it and being able to keep our childhood home. My brother has had lots of mental health issues before, and honestly, I fear for his sanity if we lose this house, it's the only thing he is clinging to at the moment. i went to see my doctor who put me down to see a counsellor. This was 4 months ago, I still haven't been able to see one. At this point I felt like the world was depending on me to be the strong one, and i am crumbling under the weight of it. My work is slipping, I'm ignoring my kids and husband in favour of sitting staring at the wall. I can't even remember the last time I felt happy. One day, we took the dog for a walk, and I thought to myself that I was actually feeling pretty close to happy for the first time in months. 2 hours later, I found out my hubby was making arrangements for his ex to come stay in a caravan nearby, so he could go over there and be "friends with benefits". Yes, my world crumbled again. I confronted him, and he denied it at first. I snapped then, it all came to a head, and I punched him. First thing he did was call the police on me and get a DV order. Yeah, I'm dirty on that, he hit me a few times over the years and I never did anything. Stupid me. So when he finally admits it, he tells me it's all my fault, and that I haven't even been trying to love him, and that I'm "not enough" for him. Didn't help that the girl was telling me thAt I obviously wasn't good enough or else he wouldn't have had to look elsewhere. I couldn't help wondering if they were right? I know I haven't been as attentive lately, I felt like there was an opaque wall between me and the world. I tried to explain this to hubby, but he just took it as me meaning I didn't care about him. I tried to tell him it was not just him, I haven't been caring about anything. Even to cook or shower seemed too much trouble. My husband and I decided to separate, but because of what drama the kids have been through already, we decided to continue living in the same house, to try to keep things stable for them, as my youngest is already having problems at school, and anger issues at home, he once pulled a knife on his brother. What kind of mother am I that my 6 year old pulls a knife on someone!? 3 nights later, I ended up contemplating suicide. I just couldn't handle any more. It's all just too much, all within the space of a year. The next day I went to the doctor and got sleeping tablets and anti depressants. About a week later, I admit it, I picked the argument with hubby, and yelled at him which ended up me getting charged with breaking the DV order. So now my job is in jeopardy because of that, I look after disabled people, and they are currently deciding if I get to keep my yellow card. this was about 2 weeks ago. The last 2 days, I have felt good, and I thought excellent, the tablets are working, I'm getting better! Today I went to reach for my husbands hand while we were walking, just out of habit, and remembered I can't do that any more. That made me really sad, and I started thinking about everything again. Then my son asked me a question and I answered wrong, and he acted so superior like I was a total moron. Normally it wouldn't worry me, but I was already feeling down, and it just increased my feelings of inferiority. I ended up sitting in my bedroom this afternoon writing horrible nasty things all over my body, which is not something I have ever done before. I found myself thinking of suicide again, but I have two beautiful boys to live for, they would never understand why Mum left them. So I have to keep slogging on, even though I don't feel like it. and that is my story up until now. If you got through the epic, well done and thank you.

StateofGrace Depression/Grief- feel like no one around me understands what its really like
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone This was a bit of a big step for me to reach out to strangers discuss where i am at in life but felt it is long overdue. I am in my mid/late twenties, I wasn't really sure if i should post this in the depression forum or here under grief ... View more

Hi everyone This was a bit of a big step for me to reach out to strangers discuss where i am at in life but felt it is long overdue. I am in my mid/late twenties, I wasn't really sure if i should post this in the depression forum or here under grief but it kind of covers both. Basically I decided to jump on here as a way to try and connect with others who may or have been in a similar situation as myself. I have a very small group of friends who are great but there is always that part of me that says " they really don't understand what its like" I have battled Depression and severe anxiety on and off since i was about 13, most of it is probably as a result of circumstances. My father passed away recently after a 10 year long battle with multiple illness and his passing i guess has been the catalysis to me reaching out. I've not been doing so great lately, i have just come back from a holiday and thought that i would come back feeling rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to put all the negative behind me and try to move on from everything that has affected me all these years but the complete opposite has happened, i have fallen into a really deep hole, questioning where i am in life and feeling like i have failed at life, feeling guilty about my fathers death and wishing i could have given him more to be proud of. I'm feeling stuck, most days i am just teary throughout and can't seem to shake it, part of me wants to continue being the strong one but part of me wants to just let it all out and just cry until there is nothing left but i still find myself bottling it all up. I am seeking professional help and that is helping me a bit but as i said early i feel that maybe if i reached out more to others who understand, it might be a bit helpful for me. I'm not really sure what else to say but i hope that i can get involved in these forums and reach out more. thanks.

robynmary Alzheimers disease, i hate you so much
  • replies: 2

i posted a threat under the depression forum, where maryg helped me... but think maybe i should have posted it here.. i lost my dad to sinister Alzheimers in april 2011 but it feels like last month' i am incredibly angry about this ...... how dare it... View more

i posted a threat under the depression forum, where maryg helped me... but think maybe i should have posted it here.. i lost my dad to sinister Alzheimers in april 2011 but it feels like last month' i am incredibly angry about this ...... how dare it take my dad hate you alzeihmers - you suck

amamas Friends died in a train crash
  • replies: 7

October 5th, 1999 I've never written this down before but as the anniversary of the date is coming up I thought it might help me prepare myself by writing it now. I look back so often to that time and ask why????? I'd been through so much crap and st... View more

October 5th, 1999 I've never written this down before but as the anniversary of the date is coming up I thought it might help me prepare myself by writing it now. I look back so often to that time and ask why????? I'd been through so much crap and stayed strong but that is when I broke, or cracked. Then after that I went from one hellish experience to another until here I am PTSD, CFS, IBS and all the problems that go with them. Completely over it all and wanting to end it all. So what was it that broke me, a train crash in London. I wasn't even there. I was on a different train travelling to London from Scotland to go to the rugby world cup. The partner of one of my best friends was killed in the train crash. I felt like he was a brother to me. I still miss him like you wouldn't believe. His name was Al and he'd been able to get a whole lot of us tickets to the All Blacks pool games. I was so excited travelling down to London. But I didn't get to go to any games with Al because he was dead. He died on Tuesday morning, but because of the total mess they didn't identify his body until Friday. Do you know how traumatic it is waiting with hundreds of people to hear if your "person" is injured but alive in hospital or dead. All of us waiting to hear sat in groups in a big conference room in a hotel. As different groups found out that their "person" was dead they'd all start wailing and crying. Us in our group were all feeling for them while at the same time hoping like hell that Al was ok. Each group was assigned their own cop. Our cops name was Dave, he was really nice, thankfully. He asked us how we could get Al's dental records. I had to ring a friend I hadn't seen for years in Adelaide, wake her up in the middle of the night, and break the terrible news to her. Why did I have to do that? Because her ex was Al's dentist. There's so many hellish memories from that time. Like my poor friend trying to be brave and believe Al was still alive, the cop asking me if I could find photos of Al showing his watch and ring so they could be returned. There was a whole warehouse of stuff from the crash. I still struggle looking at photos, like any photos because it triggers the feeling of that experience. Then there was the big visit to the crash site. How crazy is this we were escorted there like we were bloody royalty. The cops on their motorbikes zoomed ahead and stopped traffic because we were coming through. There it was the mangled burnt out trains. Where he died. I remember the first time I went on that train line months afterwards, the train was packed and everyone was talking and laughing normally as we passed by the site. I felt like screaming at them SHUT UP!!!!... don't you know 31 people died here?!?! But they were just ordinary people having an ordinary day. I was the one who was screwed up, thankfully I managed to hold my tongue. The reporters, hell the reporters in England are twisted maniacs!! For some insane reason when they released the names of the people who died in the crash they also released the addresses. Those damn vultures came round all day begging for interviews or photos of Al. It was horrendous. We hid in the flat hoping they wouldn't see us. In the end we called Dave, our friendly cop and he assigned a cop out on the street to keep the reporters away. The train companies paid for me to fly back to NZ to be my friends support. How's this I flew business class while Al was in a coffin in with the luggage. Al who was so full of life, always laughing and joking, always on the go, loved beer and rugby, was in with the bags, still, not moving. Al was born in Scotland so to honour that a piper played the bagpipes at the gravesite and also led Al's coffin out of the funeral home. Al was exactly 9 days older than me. Every year as I get older it feels wrong. Because he's still 28. Last year they analysed the train crash on one of those crash investigation shows on TV. I watched it and the show was like me without feeling just the facts. I've been seeing a psych now for almost a year but I've been through such hell since Al died I've had too much other stuff to talk about. October 5th, 1999, 8:05 am when Al and 30 others were killed in a terrible train crash. October 5th 1999 when a large part of me died and the rest of me shattered into millions of pieces. Maybe I should change my name to humpty dumpty because all the kings horses and all the kings men haven't been able to put me together again. amamas

strivingtosmile I am struggling to remember details of various lost & loved ones
  • replies: 3

I am struggling to remember details of various lost & loved ones. My mind is in disarray, and simply going through the motions is extremely difficult. However, typing it up on a forum seems less difficult than either talking to someone in person, or ... View more

I am struggling to remember details of various lost & loved ones. My mind is in disarray, and simply going through the motions is extremely difficult. However, typing it up on a forum seems less difficult than either talking to someone in person, or once again swallowing the sadness, only to have it bubble up again at some point. Trying to smile, if only for the sake of others, can't seem to manage one without a whimper. It's only been a few hours since I managed my last one, only a few days since I truly felt happy. Looking into the mirror does little more than remind me of how I looked yesterday. I know I'm upsetting my family, and I feel unable to express my emotions without upsetting them any further. There's always a limit to the amount of symptoms I can cover up, or mask with various treatments. I'm even wondering where my sense of humour has gone. I'm forever seeking a middle-ground, surrounding myself with friends and family(or even strangers) whilst burying myself in work, in the hopes of distracting myself from dealing with the grief. Any help or advice would be very much appreciated.

aussie_gal82 Don't know where to turn
  • replies: 1

20 months ago my partners younger brother passed away and he is not dealing with it at all. He has become distant I would even say estranged from me and has become very short tempered with our children (and most other things). At this point in time I... View more

20 months ago my partners younger brother passed away and he is not dealing with it at all. He has become distant I would even say estranged from me and has become very short tempered with our children (and most other things). At this point in time I am ready to walk away from our life together as it feels like I am here only to be his maid and child minder. He WILL NOT seek any kind of help and I'm at a loss as to what to do.