My soulmate died suddenly

[Rosie49]

Hi, I'm new here. My partner of 20 years died suddenly 12 weeks ago. We never married and had no children. We lived in adjacent units and spent time together every day of those 20 years. I was numb for 6 or 7 weeks then full blown grief hit me like a sledgehammer. He was too young to die, only 54. The past two weeks I have developed anxiety and have daily panic attacks when I feel like I'm going mad. I haven't been to my GP as he was my partner's as well and I cannot walk through the surgery door. I get panicky and tear-up just walking past. I'm having a rare "ok day" today, bv those are usually followed by days filled by unbearable despair. I have trouble sleeping and am panicky the moment I wake. From reading grief sites my symptoms seem to be "norm l" grief. I don't know what I am expecting from my post here. I just had to write stuffwdown. I don't know whether a GP wovld prescribe something to help me sleep. My gp is one of those who tells you to have a paracetamol and a lie down. I feel likeI am not making any progress, just going backwards.

[Rosie49]

Why do some people avoid a grieving person as though they have the plague. I messaged a relative of my partner yesterday and they have ignored it . I know they received it. I know they are grieving too, but I am the one who has instigated communication on the last 3 occasions. It makes me sad. They have partners and cihldren to give them support. My partner's dead and we had no children. I saw my (and my partner's) gp yesterday and he prescribed an anti depressant which I collect today. I also discovered that my partner had an additional life threatening medical condition and it's breaking my heart that he kept this from me. Phew, I hope this medication works, as I'm not in a good place right now.

[JessF]

Hello Rosie, I only just came across your post now, I'm sorry, I hope you dont think we have been avoiding you.  It is so difficult to know what to say at times like this, other than how very sorry I am to hear you have lost your partner.  20 years is such a long time, you have spent most of your adult lives together.  It is true that grief works like that, the numbness and then the explosion of emotions, it may be normal but that doesn't mean it isn't so so hard. 

I hope the medication helps you too, but I think that talking to a professional counsellor would help better. Not only are you grieving for the loss of a huge part of your life, but as time moves on there's the transition into the next phase of your life and how that will look without him. I hope reading that doesn't make you feel worse, just saying it because this isn't something you should have to do on your own and there is no shame in asking for more help. You have already taken the first step in doing so, and you had to push through a big mountain of grief to do it. 

Some people cope with grief by avoiding others entirely. Do you have friends who can help? Either mutual friends or friends of your own?  Just someone to sit there and listen to you.

I can imagine it must hurt that you didn't know about this other medical condition, but I am sure his reasons for not telling you were out of love and concern. He may very well have been going to tell you but didn't get the chance, sadly this is something that you cannot know but what you do know is that you had 20 wonderful years.  Please write here some more if you would like, anything that helps, stories about your time together, how you are feeling, anything at all.

[Beetle]

Hi Rosie

I am so sorry to hear from your loss. You sound very lonely and sad. I feel your pain.

Grief is a very powerfull feeling and needs to be acknowledged and seen. Its important that others support you in your grief and/or let you greif otherwise it gets buried and can fester.

I had lost three close friends last year and was also in a pretty bad place.

I suggest to find yourself a grief councilor you can talk to. If your friends cannot cope at the moment that's understandable. every one reacts differently. try to talk to a councilor to vent your feelings otherwise u will 'burst". try to call BB and ask them for some advise where u can find one. They are so helpful!! Good that your GP gave u some tablets to help you cope. It takes a few weeks until those drugs full effect.

I sent you good vibes and love

beetle

[Rosie49]

Thank you JessF and Beetle for your words of support. I am sorry, I didn't mean that I was being avoided here. I was referring to his siblings. I have always been one to hold my emotions inside, and maybe give the wrong impression that I am coping when really I'm not. I was very open about my depression in my message to his sister yesterday so possibly she was a bit shocked and doesn't quite know how to respond. I have a sister and some friends who are giving me support. I just feel a little abandoned by his family. I take comfort in my GP saying my partner was a "very brave man who never complained". Thanks again, and I will come back here to let you know how I am going.