hopeless after my husband left

[Mimi]

After 35 years my husband walked out to find himself. This was 18 months ago. He has a new relationship and because I was angry he refused counselling or mediation. We are now divorced. Some days are okay. Today is not. I feel hopeless worthless and alone. If it were not for my 16 year old daughter. I would find a way to end things. Every body tells me I am strong and intelligent , why aren't things getting easier? Why do I feel so angry?

[Artymouse]

Hi Mimi,

I think you've got plenty of reasons to be angry. I get the impression your husband implied you were having a break, while he found himself. Instead, it was a break-up. Also, he wouldn't go to marriage counselling. I believe him using the excuse of your anger had nothing to do with it - he just didn't want to go. So you weren't able to resolve things, one way or another. Your marriage may have ended anyway, but counselling could have made the process less stressful.

Divorce is usually stressful. But it must be really hard for you as you were with him for so long, maybe most of your adult life. Seeing him with a new partner is salt in the wound.

Speaking from my experience, I was married for 9 years and have single for many years now. It took a long time to adjust to being on my own, looking after my small son. The evenings were the hardest time. Finding other women in the same situation saved my sanity. We were able to help each other, and also go out to dinner, movies, and on holidays together. Only others who have walked in your shoes can truly understand how you are feeling. 

Please don't give up. Life will get better but it will take time. Do you nurture yourself? What are the activities you like to do? It can be hard getting out again, but there are social groups and classes you might like to join. And of course, there is counselling. It's good to talk to an objective professional. 

Good luck, Mimi, and please keep us posted.

Artymouse

[Mimi]

Thank you Artymouse. I have been for counselling. When I am with others things do not seen so bad. I was with him all my adult life. I thought he was my best friend. I realise now that maybe it was a lucky escape. Trouble is, I feel so rejected. I have lots of hobbies but sometimes they seem pointless. My daughter is wonderful but also really challenging, my ex only has time for her when it suits him. That adds to my anger. I am also having to sell my home so we can share the money. Thanks for listening. Mimi

[Artymouse]

Hi Mimi,

It's great that you are doing things to feel better.

Teenagers...! They can be very challenging. Mine is 18 now, going on 15. And it's so much harder when you're on your own to deal with it. In what way is your daughter challenging?

My son is moody and can be very rude. Happily, as he is no longer a toddler, I can leave him in the house and go out for a couple of hours. Often he will ring me to apologise. I find going for a walk helps, or a massage or movie. Ringing a friend who understands helps too. Or even sitting in the car at the park, listening to the radio.

It's unfair that your ex only sees her on his terms. How does your daughter feel about? 

Regarding rejection, it is only natural to feel this way. I think it is a real achievement to have been married so long, even though it ended. It's really important to spend time with people who care about you, and remind you that you are a good, worthwhile person.

Moving will be another stressor. But it one way, getting out of the family home may help you carve out a new life. There won't be constant visual memories around you.

Please be gentle on yourself, and keep posting,

Artymouse

[Mimi]

Hi Artymouse

My daughter is a really lovely person, but she is extremely independent and knows her own mind, this can mean that she knows best, coupled with the fact that she is very bright and sets very high standards. She can sometimes have attitude with a capital A. Now she is in year 12 I would just like to have someone to talk to about my concerns. My family are good, my sisters listen. However last weekend she went to stay with my ex and his new partner for the first time and came back talking about the advice the new girlfriend had given her. She was angry that the girl friend thought she knew my daughter's situation well enough to venture advice. I tried to explain that she was trying to be helpful but my daughter was derogatory. My ex has asked my daughter to stay this weekend and my daughter is saying she does bot want to, she cried saying that her Father only makes time for her when it suits him. He is going away on holiday again for a month- his fourth trip abroad since last June. This means that she cannot get to certain after school events when I am working. She gets frustrated, I try to pour oil, but she says that she is sick of me making excuses for his bad behaviour. I am so sad that her relationship with her father has deteriorated. I am concerned that my behaviour when he left may have influenced her because I was so broken up. There is nothing I can do or say, I know their relationship has nothing to do with me but I just want to make her better and I can't.

It has also begun to come out that my ex was starting the relationship with the new woman before he left me. My daughter has picked up on these things. She feels he has lied to her as he told her when he left and subsequently that there was no one else when she saw evidence of his new relationship She feels he is treating her like a child and that he is a liar and that is shattering her illusions of who he is.

At the moment I feel that I am trying to be both parents, I am trying to forge a new life but run out of energy and enthusiasm. I read my words and just sound as is I am a moaning miserable idiot. I am healthy and have enough food, my daughter is doing well. Why am I so sad? I sometimes find it difficult to concentrate on anything and have to force myself. It feels as if there are two people inside me. The capable person who works and deals with the world, and the one who sits inside crying and feeling hopeless.

The worst thing is I am finding out slowly how over years my ex husband has betrayed me with other women. What kind of fool am I? Why am I not good enough? Yet I know that I am worthy. Perhaps I am just self indulgent, there are so many people worse off than me.

 Thank you for being out there Artymouse.

 Mimi

[geoff]

dear Mimi, 35 years of marriage is quite a long time, mine was for 25 years or so, my first love, but my depression and drinking drove her away, well I don't blame her, but we still talk and see each other at our son's house.

What I can say is that once our house was sold and I started to rent my life started to pick up after a long period of depression, so I would suggest you sell the house and move away.

Your ex is treating your daughter as he sees fit, not giving in or listening to in any way, and this now is affecting her badly, I don't know whether you agree with me but let him chase her and for him to contact her, then your daughter will know where she sits with him.

This may seem a bit harsh for your daughter but she has to know if he loves her or just contacting for convenience.

I wonder why he didn't ask her to join him when he is going away, and this is what disturbs me.

When we talk to our family we seem to restrict our total feelings, so only half of what we want to say is told, so this can be of some help, but those major problems stay hidden, so it's good to contact with a counsellor, doctor and psych, so that all these hidden factors are reveiled.

Please stay in contact with us. L Geoff. x

[Artymouse]

Hi Mimi,

Sorry about the delay in replying. My mother died suddenly a few weeks ago so some days I am very depressed and don't do anything but the necessities.

I really feel for you and your daughter. It must be very hard to see her suffering due to her father's behaviour. I'm not surprised she is annoyed at the new girlfriend giving her advice. Perhaps rather than trying to justify their behaviour, you could tell your daughter you understand why she feels the way she does. It's great that you are not being critical of ex or girlfriend in front of your daughter. 

You say that you are concerned you have influenced your daughter's feelings towards her father because you were so upset after the break up. This is possible, but I think really that he has (hopefully temporarily) damaged their relationship due to his duplicity. Only he can "fix" things with her. And I guess it will depend largely on what her relationship with him was like prior to him leaving.

Have you got friends or family who can take her to after-school events? And you can return the favour? 

Of course you are sad, Mimi! Divorce is just behind death in terms of causing stress and grief. You weren't expecting this, you had no say in it and your husband took the coward's way out by refusing to go to counselling. Yes, there are people worse off than you, but as a counsellor once said to me, that is irrelevant. You are in pain now and you need to concentrate on you. Please remind yourself that your ex-husband's behaviour reflects badly on him, not you. 

I am sure you are capable. And one day you will not feel so sad. Take all the time you need to grieve. It is NOT self-indulgent! Perhaps you can also enlist the help of family with your daughter too. I know I found it hard to cope in the first couple of years of my divorce, so I used child-care sometimes even when I wasn't at work. Does your daughter have cousins she can stay with? Or friends? You need this support, especially as the ex is not sharing the load. 

Your energy will come back eventually. Do you have any goals or activities to look forward to? I'd always wanted to do a long bike ride, so went on one with Bicycle Victoria a year after my divorce. I met lots of other people and felt a real sense of achievement - even though I couldn't ride as far as the others did. Maybe there is something you've always wanted to do - either on your own or with your daughter. 

Good luck, hope to hear from you soon,

Artymouse 

[Artymouse]

How are you doing, Mimi?

Artymouse

[AmandaT]

Mimi firstly , don;t beat yourself up you sound to me like a very caring kind person . The other woman is the culprit as is your ex. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE. 

I am having similar problems although I am still with my partner. a work colleague of his ( female) I feel is attempting to break him and me up. She made a rather nasty drunken phone call to me a few weeks ago saying I was using him and that I really didnt deserve him.  I spoke to my man about this and he said to take no notice of her she was drunk at the time and yeah she did sound drunk too. A few years ago when she was with her former boyfriend she accused me of backstabbing her to him on another social media website. I did nothing of the sort. and have proof of that.

What I am really trying to say is you are the winner . Sooner or later she will be cheated on once a cheater always a cheater. 

Do you have a good psychiatrist you can talk to? If not talk to your GP who will refer you to one . I did that and have found a great doctor who listens and is a great help . Please let me know how you go Mimi .?