Grief and loss

Past the pain zone

replies: 9

I've just come out of the forest. I'd had 6 weeks of my youngest daughter (21) coming back in my life after 2 years of nothing. It started when she was 14yo. I'd had 10 years of fortnightly visitations then one day she rang me. "I dont want to see yo... View more

I've just come out of the forest. I'd had 6 weeks of my youngest daughter (21) coming back in my life after 2 years of nothing. It started when she was 14yo. I'd had 10 years of fortnightly visitations then one day she rang me. "I dont want to see you anymore" were her words that would echo through my mind for...well still does today. No reason was given. I pressed her on more info- "I just dont want to see you anymore". In addition to the child support I paid $14,000 towards her teeth and jaw operations. I mention this only because I'm not a dead beat dad. Every yar or two years she would contact me and I'd forgive her...in my mind anyway...and we'd swap small talk. Nothing ever got resolved. One meeting in a park was arranged. She was 19yo. She mimicked her mothers words, that revenge comprehension that you just know she got from her. Non custodial parents know when their child has been brain washed, they not need evidence. Then 6 weeks ago she asked for my friendship on Facebook. I accepted and was looking forward to a slow regain of a daughter. Baby steps was the plan. My eldest daugther warned me- "she wouldnt have changed dad". My eldest endured the same unworkable relationship with her birth mother and sister for years until at age 16 (she left home to live with me at age 12) she stopped seeing them altogether. Clean cut, no further contact. I remarried 3 years ago to my childrens once auntie by marriage. Their favourite auntie. So there is no step mother issues at all. All was going ok in the 6 weeks. Then without warning she defriended me yesterday. The yo-yo went down again. As I said to Lucy2 on another thread, you ask yourself what do you do? what can you do ? I stayed strong until the afternoon then "lost it". I had an arguement with my wife and walked out towards the bush. In reflection I was a time bomb today about to explode at any time. My wife copped it. Then I broke one of our golden rules. I left the property boundary. I found some peace in the bush and pondered. I have previously on this forum given advice that anyone in this grieving situation should think of other people not themselves. It wasnt easy but after 3 hours I returned home to a more angry wife. I've been home one hour now. My wife apologised for her actions and I did about mine. It's ok. Now is the time to make a stand about my youngest daughter and my decision is- Close the door almost till it hits home. Leave a little bit for miracles. Move on for my protection and happiness.

Feel like I've lost something

replies: 3

Hi everyone I feel so alone and feel that I need a hug. I want to feel someone put their arms around me and tell me it's okay and that I will be alright. Things will work out. Sorry, this is how I feel at the moment, sad, depressed, lonely and needin... View more

Hi everyone I feel so alone and feel that I need a hug. I want to feel someone put their arms around me and tell me it's okay and that I will be alright. Things will work out. Sorry, this is how I feel at the moment, sad, depressed, lonely and needing a hug Jo

It's peaceful in the house

replies: 10

My teen aged children and I were sitting about the dinner table this evening having congenial conversation. When my eldest daughter remarked how peaceful it has been over the past couple of weeks since mum has left. At first they saw it as unusually ... View more

My teen aged children and I were sitting about the dinner table this evening having congenial conversation. When my eldest daughter remarked how peaceful it has been over the past couple of weeks since mum has left. At first they saw it as unusually quiet, but have since changed their perception to peaceful in that their mother is not creating unnecessary argument over miniscule things such as a dirty glass left on the table, or a bedroom light left on for a few minutes attending a phone call in the other room. Is this normal?

I am struggling to cope...

replies: 4

Um...not really sure where to start on something like this, but I am struggling with coping with my down thoughts all the time. About 3 years ago my partner of 2.5 years left me with his final words being "you are no longer worth my time, and you don... View more

Um...not really sure where to start on something like this, but I am struggling with coping with my down thoughts all the time. About 3 years ago my partner of 2.5 years left me with his final words being "you are no longer worth my time, and you don't deserve to be happy". Ever since then I have had a string of "relationships" where it either ends up that I am only being used for one thing or it turns out that they are "not ready for a relationship." I finally met someone about 3 months ago that new everything about me, we got along great, he wasnt the most attractive, but his personality won me over. Things were going great, he knew that I was afraid of getting hurt and that I had walls built up, but he managed to make me not want to have walls with him and so I let my guard down. Out of nowhere 3 weeks ago he pulled the usual "Im just not ready for a relationship". I spiralled down hill fast, not so much over the breakup but to me it feels like I will never find that happiness with a partner. I am constantly afraid of being alone and am so lonely that it makes getting out of bed difficult each and every day. I have seen a dr and can't get in to a psychologist until the end of sept and I just needed to vent to people that I hope would have some understanding. What coping mechanisms can I use to get me through this? I seriously don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I am petrified of being the crazy cat lady. I am 27 by the way. When my partner left 3 years ago my soul felt like it was crushed, and it took me months to recover, and I developed a codeine addiction. I have since kicked the habit, decided alcohol is not my friend and am trying to make positive changes in my life, but on bad days it feels as if I have taken 1 step forward but 30 million backwards. How do you convince yourself that you are worth something when everything and everyone around makes me feel like I am not? I know there are worse things going on in people's lives, and whinging over a breakup seems so petty to me. but I just can't escape the bad thoughts in my head, and constantly hope that the next morning I won't wake up, because then I don't have to deal with this anymore. Sorry about the rant.

Lost and sad.

replies: 1

Hi, This is my first time posting so feel a bit silly but I know I need to start somewhere before I take another step in the wrong direction. I'm recently out of a 3 and a half year relationship. The thing with it was that for 2 years of the relation... View more

Hi, This is my first time posting so feel a bit silly but I know I need to start somewhere before I take another step in the wrong direction. I'm recently out of a 3 and a half year relationship. The thing with it was that for 2 years of the relationship, we did it long distance between Ireland and Australia. I'm only 22 but I based my whole life plan around it and my goal was to move back there next year after Uni. He broke up with me though because of the distance and my world seemed to shatter. Nothing made sense. This is when the bad choices started.. I was very quickly approached by what seemed to be a knight in shining armour who distracted me from the pain and had me convinced that I was wonderful when I felt so low.. I knew I wasn't over my ex and might never be but he assured me I was worth the wait etc.etc. And admittedly the distraction really did help. Up until the point where he decided to end it by txt the morning of my half-way ball that I invited him to but still went himself. I then got so drunk that I woke up in bed the next day and didn't know how I got there.. I was told that I cried, fell, shouted... and overall made a fool out of myself. I'm so embarrassed and I was so scared.. I've always been a happy person and I don't know how I reached this point where I don't want to leave my room out of embarrassment and shame.. My mum is also going through a bit of a scare as she has to go for a biopsy for possible breast cancer and I can't seem to think anything but the worst. She may have nothing wrong but I can't think anything but the worst.. I can't stop crying about that either. I've never felt so lost. I'm surrounded by people but I feel embarrassed and that I deserve to stay in my room. I'm worried my mum is sick. I always thought I'd move back to Ireland next year but now I don't know if I can.. I'm a girl who needs a plan and I have none.. I feel too embarrassed to go to class tomorrow because I don't know how to face anyone.. I don't know how I became the girl who drinks so much that I black out and cry... I'm scared that I reached that point.. I feel lost and feel like I need to hide in my room and stick my head in the sand and that everyone is judging me because I know I'm judging myself... I just don't know where to start to be me again. Any advice would be amazing and so totally appreciated because I've never felt so lost. Thank you

husband is depressed, lost nephew to suicide

replies: 3

My husband is a good man and this is in no way a running down session, he has been depressed for a while we were having financial problems that he blamed me for as it was a credit card that i spent on. this went on food car bills etc, but he was a an... View more

My husband is a good man and this is in no way a running down session, he has been depressed for a while we were having financial problems that he blamed me for as it was a credit card that i spent on. this went on food car bills etc, but he was a annoyed i did not tell him, I have always dealt with the money and he has never taken any notice.Then last year my blood nephew died by suicide, he is my husbands nephew by marriage. this has devastated the whole family and I eventually went off sick from work as I could no longer cope, my husband has finally hit rock bottom and no longer feels able to support me, I thought we could support each other but he seems not to have the capacity to do this.I can understand this but still have really bad days and struggle with the support rug being pulled away and I feel like I am now floundering. He is so angry and blames me for everything, said I have ruined his life, when he is calm said he didn’t mean this, then another time said if he had somewhere to go he doesn’t know that he wouldn’t.I am also upset that he said this to me while I am grieving for my nephew. I understand that he needs my help but I am not strong enough to do this everything feels such a mess, it is coming up to the anniversary of my nephews death which I am finding hard, a suicide is a very different death from illness I cant explain it but it turns everything you think about life upside down and you no longer feel safe.I know that this sounds like it is all about me but its not I just have no one else now to talk to now. I have always been the stronger one and it feels like yet again I am having to hold everything together, I am so sick of being the strong one. I read on a post about her husband treating her like the enemy and its true, nothing I can say is right, he also seems to want to be separate from me and seems to go out of his way to avoid me. He is finally going to the doctors and I hope this helps.

To force contact or not?

replies: 1

Hi all, I'd love some advice... In 1995 my boyfriend committed suicide. I found out after the fact via a phone call from his father. I was only 15, and he had temporarily been living interstate (I was in SA & he was in VIC). Sadly, I didn't get to go... View more

Hi all, I'd love some advice... In 1995 my boyfriend committed suicide. I found out after the fact via a phone call from his father. I was only 15, and he had temporarily been living interstate (I was in SA & he was in VIC). Sadly, I didn't get to go to the funeral, and because his death had such a huge impact on me I lost contact with his father. About 6 weeks ago I found out where he was buried on the internet, I'd been searching unsuccessfully for 10 years. I decided to visit his grave, and left flowers and a letter. It was such a comforting yet surreal experience. To this day I still struggle with the grief from my loss. I eventually found contact details for his father, so a month ago I sent him a letter. I told him I'd like to meet up, but that I understood if this wasn't something he was willing to do. I haven't heard anything back from him, not a letter, phone call, or even a text. Because I know where he lives, it takes a great deal of effort every day not to jump in the car and drive to his house. The problem is I really want to speak with him, I think it might help me understand the circumstances leading up to my late boyfriend's death, and maybe bring me some closure. I'm wondering what would you do in this situation? Many Thanks AGrace

Need advice:(

replies: 50

Hello everyone, i am new on here and I don't know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I am a aged care nurse and my husband runs his own business. Last year was a very tough year for us. My husband deve... View more

Hello everyone, i am new on here and I don't know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I am a aged care nurse and my husband runs his own business. Last year was a very tough year for us. My husband developed depression. I watched his personality change and have sat back and tried to help him as much as I can (been a nurse it's in my nature I guess). That was 8 months ago, and nothing has changed. I just want to help him as much as I can, but it feels like he is pushing me away. He hardly talks to me anymore and when he does he doesn't make eye contact with me. His moods are horrible so I don't know where I stand anymore. I just look at him and think what has happened?

Until death do us part.

replies: 5

Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I have always believed that solemn vows made before God were for life. There is no recanting them, no way to unspeak the spoken words. ... to love honour and cherish her above all others ... in sickness and in health ... View more

Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I have always believed that solemn vows made before God were for life. There is no recanting them, no way to unspeak the spoken words. ... to love honour and cherish her above all others ... in sickness and in health ... for better or for worse ... all the days of my life ... until death do us part When my daughter turned 18, and there was an argument between my wife and my daughter I had no choice but to side with my wife; the first vow. For the past few months she has been angry about everything. Ok, it's the third vow time (again) -- we've been married over 20 years? Last week she said if I won't leave, she will... and she left. This brings us to parting... the final vow. As it would be amiss of me to ask of her to uphold her final vows, as if she was really wiiling to she'd have never gotten past the third vow. So I guess it falls to me. In order to keep my solumn vows, made before God, if we are to part, by death it must be. [Note: where faith in God and religion is no longer mainstream, it remains critically important to me. Any response that attacks the religious sacrament of marriage, its intent amongst the religious, or religion in general, is taken in offense. Anything else you may have to say is inconsequential as you shall be without any credibility. So don't do it. I am, however, interested in the collective viewpoint on traditional vows, particularly from those of us who have taken them, and how we move forward (or not) in light of our final vow.]

Not coping with the losses

replies: 3

How do I write this without it saying, poor me. I have suffered Depression and Anxiety for a very long time, I do know life is hard, and it dishes it out very frequently, most of the time I can get through my spouts of depression without too much eff... View more

How do I write this without it saying, poor me. I have suffered Depression and Anxiety for a very long time, I do know life is hard, and it dishes it out very frequently, most of the time I can get through my spouts of depression without too much effect, but it is now getting way to hard, so I am reaching out. I cannot talk to my family. This past 2 years have been a very hard struggle. It started September 15 2012 when my nanna past away, I adored her so much, we would sit on the phone for hours and just chat about nothing, (I think that is why it is now hurting so much, I don't have her to talk too). July last year, my brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he was 33, two weeks after that my other nanna was put into a home with the notice that we are unsure how long she will survive, two weeks after that my auntie was diagnosed with Myemloma (blood cancer), my auntie passed away end of August. My brother saw through Christmas, wish was a massive blessing, as we had an idea it would be his last. My brother passed away in January, I still find it hard to talk about him, I miss him so much, it isn't fair. About 6 weeks after my brother past away, his girlfriend was diagnosed with the same cancer, I am unsure exactly how long she has, but we are just trying to be there for her. Beginning of June, my other nanna past away, my poor mum is helpless, my family have closed the doors, they are all numb, I have no idea how to deal with it, how to help my family and how long can the crying go on. I am so angry all the time, my poor kids cop it mostly. I have no patience, I am dealing with a bully at work, that I am so close to exploding out on, that I will lose it at her, so I'm thinking i might find another job I'm kinda hoping that someone can take this pain away, even thought my heart knows that cannot be done.

Pinned discussions

Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

replies: 0

All discussions

Past the pain zone

replies: 9

Feel like I've lost something

replies: 3

It's peaceful in the house

replies: 10

I am struggling to cope...

replies: 4

Lost and sad.

replies: 1

husband is depressed, lost nephew to suicide

replies: 3

To force contact or not?

replies: 1

Need advice:(

replies: 50

Until death do us part.

replies: 5

Not coping with the losses

replies: 3

Grief and loss

Welcome to the Grief and Loss section replies: 0

Past the pain zone replies: 9

Feel like I've lost something replies: 3

It's peaceful in the house replies: 10

I am struggling to cope... replies: 4

Lost and sad. replies: 1

husband is depressed, lost nephew to suicide replies: 3

To force contact or not? replies: 1

Need advice:( replies: 50

Until death do us part. replies: 5

Not coping with the losses replies: 3

Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

replies: 0

Past the pain zone

replies: 9

Feel like I've lost something

replies: 3

It's peaceful in the house

replies: 10

I am struggling to cope...

replies: 4

Lost and sad.

replies: 1

husband is depressed, lost nephew to suicide

replies: 3

To force contact or not?

replies: 1

Need advice:(

replies: 50

Until death do us part.

replies: 5

Not coping with the losses

replies: 3