Breakup

[Jet2014]

My partner and i of 11 years are taking a break/no longer seeing eachother.. or what ever he wants to call it. Im not coping at all. I hate him so much but i want him back so bad. This was his idea, he said he was stck in a rut and wanted change. It came out of the blue late one night and i was gone the next day. Its been 3 weeks now and all i do is cry. I wake up anxious and start crying, im anxious all day and i cant eat or sleep. I dont stop crying until the second i fall asleep. I had to move 2 hours away as thats where my closest family is. I dont work now and have no friends or know anyone out here. He says maybe in time wew can get back together but there is no guarantees. I dont know how long he wants. 6-8 months, 2-3 years. We try to talk but i get no answers. Im going to see someone next week to talk to, hoping they can help me.....hope she has tissues!! Im so confused at the moment. 

[Carlyrm]

I have been through something similar so you're not alone. A lot of other people have and I'm just been coming out of it recently. I knew my ex for a long time before we were together. The uncertainty of everything going on with him and how he felt eventually made me feel like my heart was breaking before he ended it with me. I felt like I not only lost my lover but also my best friend (over a long period of time) and it was so horrific I slipped into a worse depression than before.

 I was already depressed from being long term unemployed but hid these feelings from most people, I felt like I erupted and became suicidal even not eating and lost 7kg. I still struggle to put that weight all back on it takes time for my body type. I saw a psych but that did little to help, writing helped me and talking on here helps there's always someone to read and reply. I too felt I had no friends people usually cancelled on me or found something more exciting to do than hang out with someone heartbroken - everything I realised became one-sided but it gives you time to work on yourself and build up what you used to be but grow even more than that.

 I know it is so hard when you love someone so much, don't let this guy give you empty promises of maybe we get back together or don't. It's not a good sign and people like that aren't worth waiting for because they haven't really made up their mind - you want to be certain about someone. Are your family supportive? Spend time with them. Get to know your neighbours, it's hard I know just to do the little things I even cried when doing the shopping. Do little things that make you feel good, even if it's just 1% - put on a nice outfit even if it's going to the shops it can be a bit uplifting to dress up. Are you looking for work? I know I was in the same situation when you were - take a break from looking for work only when your ready and can function well too. It does get better but think about surviving that's most important - eat well and drink plenty of water (do the best you can, eating & drinking less can really alter your moods) and some exercise I walked and that helped with anxiety. It's not a cure but when I did exercise (walking long distances) I could get to sleep and felt like that was such an achievement. 
You'll get there Jet it takes time, only talk to your ex when all you feel is indifference you can only be rational then. If you're not getting anywhere answer-wise with him than stop all contact for a while there's no purpose in going around in circles and from experience it only causes more pain. 
Stay safe and strong, let us know how you're doing xo.

[Neil_1]

Hi Jet

It's great that you've made the step to reach out here and also I'm so pleased that you've got someone that you're going to see next week.  I'm guessing that they are a qualified counsellor, yes?

Three weeks is a long time to be in such a low place and so upset the whole time without seeking some professional help.  Have you been to a GP to discuss the feelings that you're having?

Were you feeling this way when you were together?

Did he have a reason for wanting this separation and did he call it a trial separation?

I'm sorry, but all it seems is that I'm asking questions ... but I guess it will just help me and others who are reading this, so we can be better informed to help provide advice.

Do you feel any signs of change in him when you talk?

It also to me doesn't seem fair that you've had to move out and then move two hours away ... were you also living there for that 11 year period and if so, I'm guessing you may have had a job there as well as a whole bunch of friends too?  That's awfully harsh for you to deal with to just up and leave like that.

My thoughts are with you Jet and I hope that you can feel able to come on here again and post about how you're doing/feeling?

Kind regards

Neil

[Jet2014]

Thankyou Nelil for wanting to help, im sure you have so many others to help too.

Yes, i was given a referral to a psychologist, i was seeing one back home for the anxiety and depression but ive never been a big talker so it didn't seem to get anywhere, but this time i have so much to say and i don't even know where to begin.

The GP i went to gave me sleeping pills to help with the anxiety and to calm me down and is also wanting to put my anti depressants up to a higher dosage. This was the 1st time ive been to this GP as i had to move. And ill be seeing a completely new psychologist.

The anxiety and depression has been a problem in our relationship for a couple of years now, our relationship wasn't progressing and i feel that was all my fault.
 

I don't even know what to call it. At first he called it a trial separation, then a breakup ... he said he wants change and freedom, he's stuck in a rut and the relationship had stalled. 

He still msgs me nearly everyday, to see how i am, i really just want to tell him to stop msging me, but i also dont want him to stop. 

We really need to talk, we have a little through msgs but it just seems to end up as an arguement. He said he would come and see me this week but i dont think i could cope with watching him drive away without me.

He is coping with this so much better with this than i am, seeing it was his idea, and apparently had been thinking about it for a few weeks before he actually said something to me late one night, and i was gone the next day. He has still been going out with his friends and getting on with things. Whilst im sitting here in a country town crying with not a thing to do and not knowing anyone. I want him to atleast show hes a little upset, not just rub in that he's getting on with life and trying to make him self happier and i should do the same too. 

Yes, we were living there all that time and all my friends were back there.

Sorry this is so long, i tried to answer your questions the best i could. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Jet

Thank you so much for your detailed reply ... and I'm actually going to start out by saying that I don't think it's fair that you had to move.  And that it all seemed to happen so incredibly fast ... late one night it was talked about and you were gone the next day.  That must have come as an enormous shock to your system.  But yeah, for you to move away from a place that you lived in for so long and knew and had friends there.

Did you actually also have a job there?  Is it not possible to move back and 'possibly' move in to one of your friend's places for a short while??  Just so you have some familiarity for you?  But yeah, I can see why it's so incredibly tough for you right now.

Jet, I really think that you've got to tell him to stop messaging you.  And no, he can't come and see you, would also be my advice.  I'm sorry if both of those things sound harsh, but I'm thinking of you and how it all is such an incredible strain and stress for you.  The more he messages you, the more that you keep on thinking about him;  while you respond, then you're wondering when he'll respond back, etc.  And for him to want to come and see you?  No way ... if he wants to see you that much, tell him you'll come to see him ... with the bags that you were made to pack.

He does sound like he's getting on with his life ... in fact, I think he may have done his grieving for the relationship while you were still together, as it seemed like he knew this was going to happen.  Again, I'm not meaning or wanting to sound harsh, I'm just giving you my thoughts on what's happened.  Whereas for you, this happened and BANG, you are now in your grieving process and what's making it so much worse is that you are in an unfamiliar place and with nothing to do and not knowing anyone either. 

It is good though Jet that you've got an appointment with a psyche coming up.  You mentioned you weren't sure where to begin as you've got so much to talk about this time.  Could I please suggest that you either write down (but possibly type up, as it's so much quicker and easier) a list of dot points that you have in your mind that you feel you'd like to raise and talk about.  Try not to do them all at once, but just make a start on the list ... and then say a few hours later, go back to it and add other things as you remember or think of them.  Then take this along to your appointment and this could be a good starting point for this next appointment.

Again, I apologise to you if you feel that I was too harsh with some of my post, but again, I wasn't aiming to be ... I was just trying to give you my thoughts and some possible suggestions to you.

That was a really good post you provided and I hope we can chat again, whenever you feel like it.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jet2014]

Hi Carlyrm,

Im sorry, i only just saw your post. Thankyou for replying. 

I was 17 when we got together, so it feels like hes all i know, thats a huge chunk of life being so young. 

I was also really down about being unemployed, and i know thats one of the reasons for his decision because he was feeling the pressure of all the finances, and i totally understand that. I have tried so hard to find work, i was even with a job agency trying to get them to help.

Im already down 5 kgs but im sure ill put it back on quickly thanks to my anti depressants. The joy of side effects. Every morning when i wake up, im so anxious im sick, and cant eat. 

Im still waiting to see this new psych. I was all for it when i booked the appointment but im now starting to feel really anxious. 

I dont see why he cant just make a compromise. Yes its his life and he wasnt as happy as he could be, but doing what hes doing, isnt just affecting him, its also affecting me. Theres 2 people in a relationship and i have not had one tiny say in this al all. Thats not fair to me. 

Im living with my parents, they just get angry when i get upset, saying i still shouldnt be upset and all that. 

I have to look for work, i have no choice. I dont see it being easy though. I have a huge gap in my resume, and as soon as you say 'mental ilness' somehow out of thin air the position has been filled. 

I really just feel like running, just running and not stopping, i really dont have the energy to ... and im pretty sure ill go 10 seconds and id be out of breath.

The thing is, were still together, hes not my ex at the moment. Were just separated and not seeing eachother. We have only been talking by text message and going round in circles, yesterday was the 1st time we didn't speak. 

How are you now?

[Jet2014]

Thankyou again Neil for your reply. I do look forward in hearing your advice.

I have never been a big talker, i cant believe how much im letting out on here. 

I just replied to another comment on here that you may find more information on.

I think because it all was so quick and i wasnt prepared, thats maybe a reason why im finding this so hard. Just to clear things, it wasnt the best relationship, we had been struggling for a while, with me out of work, and the financial pressure on him which i totally understand his point of view from that) Me not able to find work, he wanting to travel and i wasnt ready (a flight was a trigger to my anxiety disorder, it all started with that)...He then got a bunch of new friends and was always going out and his life was taking off and mine had stalled. so it wasnt all his fault, hes not only to blame. 

I couldnt move in with a friend, they all are married with families of their own. I was left behind. I stayed with my sister who lives back home, but she has a artner and a child and i just felt i was in the way.

Yesterday was the 1st time i hadnt heard from him, it did upset me, but it also meant we didnt end up arguing.

Hes made up his mind, being with me is not what he wants right now, so me going back with my bags is not an option. I really think we need to talk though. I dont see why he won't compromise, theres 2 in a relationship, not just him, its my life hes stuffing up to. I cant go day to day not knowing what he wants. Right now, all i want is him back. 

He says he doesn't know if its the right thing to do, but he has to at least try. 

I also asked if he would come and talk to someone with me but he said no, it wont help, because the problem is with him and he needs change. He also says hes not giving up on us, but right now his maid priority is himself, not our relationship. 

Sorry im just babbling, but honestly, you are really helping me out, and i thankyou so much.  I do like to hear someones opinion who doesnt know me or what or how we were like together. 

[Neil_1]

Hey Jet

How are you going?  I hope a "little" better?  I hope.

Hey you know when you said you're not a huge talker, but you've written so much; well that still means that you're not a huge talker ... cause you're typing here!  Yeah yeah, I know, I'm just being clever.  Sorry about that.  🙂

Carly wrote a great response to you ... and it was along similar lines to mine, although, she's actually talking from direct experience.

Can I get an image of where you are?  ie:  is the place that you've moved to a large place?   Like the population is big?   I only ask that cause it might help you with getting a job ... and also, it would definitely help with meeting other people.

With regard to your resume ... I would be removing any references to mental health issues ... as you've seen from previous experience it doesn't go well.  Yes, it's discrimination, but they will fluff up their recruitment process by saying that the other person had better quals or work experience in the area.  But yes, definitely get rid of those references and put instead something like:  oh, you were overseas on a holiday or visiting family overseas, etc ... something like that.  That will adequately fill in any gaps on your resume.

Jet, I really believe he's totally made up his mind with this ... and I'm actually sorry that I mentioned in my last post to take your bags back.  You've given so many indications in your previous posts that the relationship was on the rocks ... and that's not like scotch on the rocks, which can be a good thing.  This isn't a good thing.

It's good that there was no contact recently ... I'm sorry if I'm harsh here, but the next time he contacts you, just come out and say, "Hey I would really prefer it if you didn't contact me.  You asked for this split, but you are contacting me.  You seem to be moving on.  So how about thinking a little about my needs and I'm affected by this situation.  So please respect my wishes and don't contact me again".

That's probably a huge step for you to take, but Jet, I'm just sayin'.

Please keep in touch ... and please take good care of yourself.  We're thinking of you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jet2014]

Hi Neil,

Im ok, Yesterday was the 1st day i didnt cry. Only 1 tear fell in kmart when i saw the valentines day cards and 1 as i fell asleep. 

Bit of a smarty you are, even WRITING, i would not normally do, id keep it all to myself, My psyc appointment is in an hour though so i'll see how i go.

I just had to google the population here, about 17,000. 1 street of shops. 

I dont even have a resume, i will have to write one.

Oh he has def made up his mind. Its been 3 days now since we have spoke, thats the longest we have gone without speaking in 11 years 😞 

[Neil_1]

Hi Jet

Oh, please forgive me ... I feel absolutely terrible that I haven't been back to you.

How did your psych appointment go the other day?

I haven't abandoned you, honest! 

Is it now 6 days that you haven't been in contact?  How are you feeling about that?  How are you feeling with things in general?

One street of shops.  Are there coffee shops, etc?  I'm not sure of your work skill set, but just a thought of whether in the catering business might be an option, to see if they need 'wait staff' or the like?

ps:  valentine's day is just getting so over the top with each year that goes by.  it's another day with another day of sun/cloud, air to breathe and at night the sun will set and the moon for most parts will come out.  nothing special and don't be concerned by it.

Jet, I hope that you're doing ok and please I hope you're around to read this.

Kind regards, from the sometimes forgetful (not on purpose) one

Neil