Breakup

[Jet2014]

My partner and i of 11 years are taking a break/no longer seeing eachother.. or what ever he wants to call it. Im not coping at all. I hate him so much but i want him back so bad. This was his idea, he said he was stck in a rut and wanted change. It came out of the blue late one night and i was gone the next day. Its been 3 weeks now and all i do is cry. I wake up anxious and start crying, im anxious all day and i cant eat or sleep. I dont stop crying until the second i fall asleep. I had to move 2 hours away as thats where my closest family is. I dont work now and have no friends or know anyone out here. He says maybe in time wew can get back together but there is no guarantees. I dont know how long he wants. 6-8 months, 2-3 years. We try to talk but i get no answers. Im going to see someone next week to talk to, hoping they can help me.....hope she has tissues!! Im so confused at the moment. 

[Jet2014]

Hi Neil, 

Dont be silly, i dont expect replys from you the second i post 🙂

My appointment went well, she was nice, alot better than the one back home. Gave me some 'homework' and told me what we had to do to make my life my own again, and made an appointment for next month.

Its been 3 days since we have spoke, he wanted to tell me something so i didnt find out on fb (which im staying clear of at the moment) ... i got angry with him with what he told me, all along i knew i was in the wrong, so ended up apologising (his friend got his gf of 5 months pregnant and are now engaged and i got angry because i got nothing from 11 yrs)  ... 

i feel sad that he's not msging me, but my days also just that little better when he doesnt. He never leaves my mind tho .... i just need answers.

Im not crying 24/7 anymore, but i am waking up really anxious and wanting to be sick.. or just sleep all day so i dont feel sad and so it takes the day away and its closer to bed time so i can just go to bed again and sleep and not feel anything.

I have a job lined up but its not till mid feb and i am so so nervous.

yeah i know that about valentines day and im trying to not let it get to me, but its still hard.

[Neil_1]

Hi Jet

Firstly, that's really excellent news on you having a job lined up.  Mid Feb is ok, isn't it?  I mean it'd be better in a week or so, but hey, something is better than nothing.  We've got time to work through this, but can you let me know why you're so terribly nervous about this?

Way to go Jet, that session with the new psych sounded really positive.  That is so awesome to hear.  Having been through a stack of different psychs myself, I know it can take a lot of different appointments with so many different psychs so it's brilliant to hear that you've found a good one.

You're still in a low position and still very fragile ... I can totally understand your feelings that you're going through right now.  It is a very tough time for you.  But you know, you're doing this Jet ... and you're getting through it.  If tears still come, hey, that's ok.  Let them flow ... don't ever hold them back.  Just cry when you feel the need to, it's totally ok to do that.

One last thing Jet ... you've mentioned that you need answers;  from your ... I'm not sure what we're referring to him as?  I was gonna say your 'ex', but I think that's something I'm being too forward with.  What kind of questions?  But hey, I'm probably overstepping the mark here with that, and sorry about that.  Tell me to pull my head in if I've gone too far.  Jet, these could be questions you could put forward to your psych.

Jet, I think you're doing fantastically well with how you're dealing with things.  I just wanted you to know that.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jet2014]

Hi Neil, 

Its just been so long since ive worked, im not used to being around people all the time and im used to doing my own thing,not having times, places, restrictions etc. Thats when i get anxious with anything, when theres a set time, even if i have to be at a dr appoint for 2pm, ill get anxious.

I still get very low and cant stop crying for full days at a time, my head just doesnt stop thinking, especially the 'what ifs' that i try to push away and think of something else, but they always come back.

I want to know, do i completely give up or do i still hold onto some hope, I want a time frame to how long he wants this separation for ... i want to know what he wants, he's someone who hates not knowing what's going on and always needs to have a plan, so he should know where im coming from, he told me he doesnt know what he wants and thats what he plans to find out, but it still hurts that he wants to do it without me.

Im having trouble with not hearing from him for days, im ok not to hear from him for 2 days at a time but soon as it gets to day 3 i get really upset and anxious all over again. I check my phone every 5 mins or start typing him a text, then deleting it. Or i put my phone in the top draw upstairs and leave it up there all day and not touch it at all.. but im still wondering if hes sent a text yet 😞 

I just want to go one day without thinking of him, but every where and every thing reminds me of him. 😞 

As always i do appreciate your replys and willingness to help a total stranger 🙂 Thankyou 🙂 

[Neil_1]

Hi Jet,

It's my absolute pleasure and you know what, I've just mentioned in another post that I find this to be kind of therapeutic, in that while I'm doing this, my issues and stressors are put just into the background for a little while and for me, that's a damn good thing.  I think that's why I post out to so many people ... not only because I like to try and offer advice and help, but also it helps me cope with my problems.  By pushing them to the back ... ok, that's not really helping me cope with them, because I'm not addressing them, but hey, it's something.

Do you feel you have 'another switch' within you or a mask that you can put on when you have to meet with people or do the work thing. What I'm talking about here is that so many of us with depression have to wear a 'work mask' or the like when we're confronted with people.  It's a mask of someone completely different and it hides from them, what we suffer from all the time.  I don't know where you can get one from, but they are damn handy to have.  If you're following me with this, this just might help you for when it's time to work ... but as that gets closer, we can work through that.

These days are going to be your absolute hardest as this is just so raw and brutally difficult for you.  I would imagine that he is getting on with his life and I would be totally surprised if he is pining for you, the way that you are for him.  It's possibly true that he doesn't know what he wants, but I think he does, and he's simply telling you this just to help ease your feelings a little.

That psych session you had recently was a really good experience from what you told me.  You said that your next one isn't till next month.  Is that like another 3-4 weeks away?  I honestly think that's way too long.  Is there any way that you could bring that appointment forward.  With what you're having to handle by yourself, that's an immense load for you to carry Jet ... can you please check them out to see if you could get in much sooner rather than later?  And either way, don't forget that pen and paper thing, where you write down, thoughts/feelings/questions, etc.

Just a question out of left field for you ... who are some of your favourite bands/musicians that you like to listen too?

Cheers

Neil

[searchforananswer]

the worst thing in any relationship is to be left hanging.. this doesnt allow you to move on or fight for him.. this situation makes u confuses you as things can be very uncertain. I think u gotta ask urself, does he honestly still love u? if not then I think u should slowly let go, while also seeing him every now and then so the break up doesnt come as a 'shock' to you.. when you think you can get out of the blue and its better off not seeing him, then stop seeing him and that way you could move forward.. break up is a very hard period, and one more thing, dont feel bad about doing this, since he was the one who wanted to take a break with uin the first place..

[Carlyrm]

Hi Jet
Sorry it took a while to respond to this. I can relate a lot to your situation, even though him and I didn't live together we were in each other's life for a long time and it's been hard to deal with that part. I thought I still wanted him in my life because I couldn't imagine him not being in my life, it devastated me completely and not being able to get to the point with him only upset me further, he didn't (very little) and doesn't want to talk about it. I can't see any future even in a friendship anymore with his attitude and I'd rather make new friends to move on and I have made new friends I can only count them on one hand but it's better than none at all. Time makes it easier, it's horrible that it happens we actually do need this time alone and sift through it - don't feel bad for your tears let it out eventually they will slow down. For me since August I've improved a lot and never thought I would or how I would even begin to get to a better stage in life but I'm living proof it is possible. Perhaps it may be a little different for you, but if you feel better not talking to him do not contact him (don't make yourself feel worse I know I've done it). I've done that too, put my phone away sometimes weekends at a time switched off in the drawer. I'd turn it on and be disappointed that no one at all contacted me, not even him not even any of my so-called friends. Having little things to look forward to is great, being organised helps but don't emotionally bash yourself for not ticking everything you intended to do that day take your time you need it to heal.
It's not easy but you'll get there, bit by bit - open to new experiences with different people. Eventually you'll worry less about him, it can put you at ease and you can feel more comfortable being independent (by that I just mean without him being in your life). So many changes happen when you lose someone so close, not just grief of losing them but other things like work/family/anything else all change or seem like even bigger challenges once faced with such an explosion of grief.
How are you coping lately?

[geoff]

dear Jet, so much has been said and the conversion between yourself and Neil has been terrific, as he's such a great responder, no doubt about that, as he can help so many people while he himself still struggles, but I always take my hat off to him.

There are a lot of comments which I miss as I normally start from the top, but thankfully the rest of the team picks these up.

From what has been said it appears to me that he wants to end this relationship and move on, well it maybe OK for him but for you it's heartbreaking for yourself, however no matter how hard you try the more he will leave you alone

The love for two people has to go both ways, because one way will never work, it will become annoying for them and as destroying this is for you it's something that eventually we have to put into a drawer and close it.

This seems to be hard but in the long run you will be able to step forward and move on.

When my ex moved out of the house ( before our divorce) I was continually trying to ring her, but each time she hung up on me, and this of course not only annoyed me but upset me, so I was wasting my time, and this increased my depression so I drank more alcohol to cope, much to everyone's dismay.

As time has passed we can still talk to each other, but any reunion would never happen. L Geoff. x

[Jet2014]

Hi everyone, thankyou for all replying, sorry i have taken so long with my reply, i was quite overwhelmed and don't like reading that my 'partners' done and i should completely move on 😞

Neil, yeah i don't think pushing your problems to the back and helping others is really helping you lol make sure you take time to work on yourself too 🙂 

Ive been working 3 days a week for 2 weeks now, i was able to start earlier that first mentioned, but still havent seen my therapist since the 1st time tho, my appint s next weds but it seems such a big gap between these 2 sessions. 

I went and stayed in my home city last week for the week, i think it was the wrong thing to do, because most of the time i had noting to do and was just sitting around, my head started over thinking and i was crying and feeling down a lot, My 'partner' ... (im using the word loosely because i still dont know whats going on with us) asked if he could see me when i was there, and i said no, and that i didnt think there was any point and id just get upset , he was fine with it and didnt want me to do anything i wasnt ready for. I hope i did the right thing in not seeing him. 

I dont agree how you say you think he does know what he wants, i honestly believe he doesnt know, and if he did know and just want telling me, he would have completely ended things and made me move all my stuff out.

I havent listened to music for a while, i just get upset when its about love and happy endings and blah blah, same with movies, i cant watch them, they just upset me.

searchforananswer ... I do believe he still loves me, i also think he is really confused at the moment with his life, he told me about 2 weeks ago he is not going to give up on us but that's not his main priority at the moment, and getting himself happy again. And that there is a part of him that hopes we can get back together again but he has to be confident that we wont get back to how we used to be, my reply to that was .. how would he know, he cant be confident, were spending all this time apart. 
I also havent seen him since the beginning of jan, and only talking to him every now and then.

Carlyrm .. dont be sorry 🙂 we lived together for 8 years in the very same place hes in now ....  even tho ive moved, theres still memoris of him from when we visited my parents. but because hes still in our place, every single thing in there will remind him of us. all our photos are still up, alot of my stuffs threre still and so on.

im at the point where i still cant imagine life without him. 

im glad someone got back to me who been/going through something similar, i dont feel so alone. 

im ok during the week, but on weekends i dont work, either does he and we spent our weekends together and now all i do on weekends is wonder what hes upto and if hes out with his mates or doing something we did together alone without me 😞

geoff: hi, thanks for writing to me. Neils been amazing, so grateful theres people out there willing to help others as well as there own stuff.

This decision of the separation has all been one way, i got absolutely no say in it at all. 

We still talk, but i'll never mgs him first, i always wait for him, and ill never reply straight away, but i know if i was to msg him, he would get back to me.

Its been nice the last couple of times he sent a msg because we didnt fight at all, he was just asking about my new job and that, and was saying he was proud of me..... 

confusing much!!!

[Neil_1]

Hi Jet

Really awesome that you've posted back to us and given us an update for how things are going and above that, very good feedback to us with our comments.

As you'd know, no-one here is ever wishing or wanting anything bad for the person who comes here ... and so it was with our very (or should I correct myself there and say) it was with my very best intentions to you that I was suggesting what I was suggesting.  And yes it was a big thing for me to say that he has quite possibly moved on, but as you quite rightly say, you don't think he has and I respect your opinion on that. 

Your last two words in your latest post really has me thinking the same thing.  Because of how things are going, but then with that last main para you wrote that the latest texts have been positive and he then says he's proud of you.  I'm now not overly understanding the situation Jet.  I guess you could say, "Well that makes two of us".  🙂

Jet, you first came here on 10th Jan ... so just over a month ago.  I'm not meaning to be nosey, but may I ask (and you can ignore these totally if you wish, cause it' completely up to you):

1.   Compared to this time a month ago, how do you think you're feeling now?

2.   During that time, but probably in the last week or 10 days, have you been in touch with him, to see if he has given a time-frame for how much longer this will be happening for?

Also judging by your most recent posts, you now are working, yeah?  During the week?  Is that ok for you and are you 'enjoying' it for the most part?

Sounds like it's still so hard, especially on weekends for you ... it always is I guess when there's 'down time' and you've got time to sit and think.

Jet, it was awesome to hear back from you, and as always, if you're able to write back it'd be great to hear from you again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jet2014]

Hi Neil,

Oh it def makes the two of us confused. He wants time apart to do what he needs to do, so im just going to leave it at that. I dont know what else to do right now, he's made his decision, and I cant change his mind.

Your not being nosey 🙂 1. I think what i just wrote above answers question one. I have no choice but to accept his decision. Im not crying every day, i am alway thinking of him but works keeping me busy, I had a hard time on valentines day, everyone around me happy, i didnt hear from him either, but that was my own faul for thinking he would maybe send me a txt.... I got flowers and and chocolates from my best friend tho, so i did feel loved lol.

2. No, i went back to my home town for a week and he asked to see me, but i said no, i didnt see the point, He has no answers for me. 

Im working 3 days during the week, and have made friends and have even went out with a couple of them outside of work. Im looking forward to going in tomorrow 🙂 

I have alot of downtime and still theres not much here to do 😞 

Thanks for commenting once again 🙂