Twelve months ago my mum died and I'm still struggling

[feathers]

Hi all,

14th of July 2015 , my best friend in this world died. My mum was 66yrs old. We found out in December 2014 two weeks before Xmas that she had cancer. I thought that was the worst day of my life, but when she got an appointment with the oncologist in late January 2015 we were told it was terminal . She did chemo to buy some time but I feel it didn't really help. I took care of her and never left her side,I was so distraught at the prospect of her dying. I cried every single day ,I tried to be strong but couldn't. Eventually it went to her brain an no more treatment was an option,so she was sent home to die.we had hospice come in when needed. I watched the woman that I loved with every fibre of my being die .

I'm 42 years old and I'm severely agarophobic along with other anxiety issues. My brother is 45 and schizophrenic and we both live in our family home. We have no other family, my father has never been part of our lives even tho he is alive and well. In February this year I had a heart attack and was in hospital for three days,the same hospital I spent so much time at with my mum. I begged them to let me die if I had another heart attack, I just want to be with my mum. They sent a psychiatrist to see me in hospital and diagnosed me with major depressive disorder. I feel so alone even tho I know others are going through the same. I am a mess and truly wish everyday I could join my mum.

Thanks for listening.

[Emmy.]

Hi Feathers. Are you still seeing your psychiatrist? Perhaps your medication needs to be reviewed possibly increased or changed.

Hun that's great that you get out and walk to Coles. Is there a cafe at the shopping centre? Perhaps you could challenge yourself - treat yourself to something nice, maybe something your Mum would have liked? You'd feel good for it.

I understand what you mean about days getting harder. I always find it hard thinking that each day that passes I'm getting further and further away from the last day I saw her. But then I try to challenge myself and think of a nice memory.

I also find that journalling helps me. I have a separate journal that I just write conversations to Mum in. Sometimes it's just something simple like what I've been doing, sometimes they're more serious, my thoughts my fears etc.

Feathers please remember that Beyond Blue has a support number, 24 hours 7 days a week. 1300224636. It might help to talk to someone hun.

Keep talking with us. We are all here for you. Emmy xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi feathers,

It's good that you're able to distract yourself a bit when you start getting dark thoughts. Keeping busy can help.

Sometimes after taking medication for depression for a while it can stop being effective and might need to be reviewed by your GP. I hope you can try and get in to see your GP.

Sometimes we just need a little help to get us out of that dark place. I recently had to start ADs again because I have chronic pain and was told it will be a long time before it's relieved. I started crying every day and couldn't/didn't feel like doing anything. The ADs don't stop me feeling sad but I am not crying everyday now and I am able to function again. I hope your GP reviewing your meds may help you a bit.

A psychologist can give you some methods and ideas on how to better distract yourself in addition to helping you work through your grief. Perhaps you can write down the things you want to share with the psych so they can read it instead of you needing to talk. If it helps I think I cried through my first 2 sessions so don't worry about breaking down. I hear it's common.

In the meantime my psych recommended the palousemindfulness website. You might find some content on there helpful.

When I want to feel closer to my Mum I do a number of things.

• I like to eat vanilla slice because it was her favourite and she really enjoyed it.

• I like to watch movies that her and I would watch together when I was young.

• Early on I made up an online digital photo book by scanning in all my favourite family pics. I look through and remember all the feelings I had in those pictures.

What do you think your Mum would have wanted for you?

I hope to hear back from you. I also suggest you consider posting in the BB cafe under the Social Zone. It's a virtual cafe full of lovely people all trying to distract ourselves from our worries. There have been some wonderful friendships made and support given there. I think it may help you feel less alone.

Kind thoughts,

Carol