Suicide 50 years ago

[Derek64]

I find myself on here after all this time because, if there is something that the social media ought to be able to do, it ought to be able to connect people who otherwise would be isolated from each other. And I have been isolated from anyone by a big and horrible word - suicide. More than fifty years ago my father committed suicide and I have never spoken about it with anyone even though I have come to the conclusion that I have to share this experience in order to deal with my feelings properly. Sound crazy? After 50 years! The problem has for me been the big wall of shame and secrecy behind which I have cowered all my life and I think now it has to stop - even if it is only in the "virtual" world that I am coming clean. I have had to speak about this stuff with my wife and three kids of course. And once I admitted to a colleague who was depressed, and whose own brother had committed suicide, that this is what my father had done. But that is it. In fifty years, that is it. For the rest of the time I have felt cripplingly and secretly ashamed of father while loving him at the same  time. What happened caused a fair bit of damage as I am sure you can appreciate but, because of the nature of the trauma, I feel like I have not been entitled to deal with it openly  / socially. It is like my relative died and was buried in unsanctified ground outside the churchyard. If anyone ever caught me standing with flowers in my hand at his graveside I would be giving the game away. Everyone would know my shame. I got the loss but It feels like I also lost the right to grieve. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience?

[White_Rose]

Dear Derek

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry you have carried this grief for so long without any recognition or relief. While I do not know how it feels I can understand that you have been in pain for many years and I hope that by writing in here you may find some relief and comfort.

The social attitudes to towards suicide 50 years ago were very harsh. It was considered an unforgivable sin shaming the family as you have described. Alternatively the person who died was seen as a weakling who opted out of his responsibilities.  We know more about the reasons for suicide today with far more sympathy towards anyone who feels they have reached the end of the road. And in many ways more importantly, supportive of the families of people who take their own lives.

Do you know why your dad died? I ask this because understanding the reason can help you to repair some of the damage you feel.

I don't know if this will help you, but I will share briefly why I tried to take my own life. I was hugely depressed.  I was in such a dark place that I felt I would never get out, that my family would be better off without me (this is a very common belief), no one cared whether or not I was around (another common feeling), and life would never get better. Now that I moved past this dreadful time I can see how wrong were my perceptions.  But at the time they made perfect sense.

I have no idea how your father felt or why he took this step, but he perhaps had similar feelings to mine. Below is a quote I found that explains suicide, at least to me. It may be helpful. I include it to give you an idea of what your dad may have thought.

Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.
That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now.

I am not excusing your father or anything of that nature. I have found that understanding someone's actions helps to mange the hurt.

Here are some links to BB information.

Understanding suicide and grief 

Recently bereaved by suicide

Grief and loss

What causes depression?

I hope this helps you. Please write in and continue talking.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Derek, hi and your comment would have weighing on your mind for all those 50 years, always coming back, answering questions to your wife and children of where their father in law and grand father is and how he died, and the pressure and strain of making up how he passed away, would have been unbearable for you, so please accept my sincere condolences.

You know 50 years ago depression and suicide was taboo, as nobody would ever want to talk about it to anyone, because if they did they would be dragged away in straight jackets and locked up in what they called it the funny farm.

I don't know how you could have coped, but now these days and thanks to Beyond Blue set up by Jeff Kennett, depression is talked about more freely, as they have erased the taboo status, and talked about it everywhere they have been able to advertise it.

To talk about suicide is something that is also becoming a topic which is spoken about, although it is in deed a very sad occasion if someone does take their own life, because they feel as though there is no way out of being depressed, all their pressures are too much to handle and also believe that no one will ever understand what they are suffering from, but now the support base to help people through this illness has grown so much, but they only wish that they could talk to someone, and now they can, but your father had no one, and was left to suffer this horrible illness all to himself, he never believed that one person could ever help him.

I am dearly sorry for where he was buried and no I'm not going to mention his location, because it must so hurtful for you, but that's where they were buried, but maybe you could put up a headstone yourself.

The suffering from your sad dad whatever was making him feel like this, must have been so enormous, that he was left all by himself to struggle, and certainly monumental, that unfortunately he took with him.

If only it was now then the help for him would be widespread.

You should not feel any shame in standing next his grave site, he was your dad and I'm sure he would be saying to you 'please Derek it was a time long ago where I couldn't get any assistance, but please stand STRONG next to me, I love you and your family'.

(275 left) Please Derek, there's more I want to say, but before I have to finish, if you feel as though you need to see your doctor please do, and remember stand as proud as you should be, he was ur dad, no matter what. Geoff.

[ink6543]

I understand Derek.

I understand your feelings though not your circumstance.

My brother completed suicide in 1975.

I was having a relationship with his girlfriend.

He told me his intention in the morning of his death.

I was alarmed and went and told mom.

I was going to get him from his work.

She said no wait till he comes home.

The event ruined my ability to have healthy relationships for life and that was 40 years ago.

I personally attempted suicide in 2003.

My girlfriend found me close to death in a closet.

She stated after the event "it was the most horrible thing anyone had ever done to her".

Suicide has a profound effect on those who loved the person who died.

Please be gentle with yourself.

I am glad you can start to talk about your feelings.