Struggling with the loss of my mum

[bregs]

My beautiful mum passed away 5 months ago and every day is getting harder. My mum was sick with Cancer but a horrible stroke came out of no where and took her from us leaving us all in shock. In my mind I mentally prepared myself for my mum passing away gradually from Cancer and I thought we still had plenty of time left. The stroke left her on life support and she passed away within 24 hours. I held her hand as she drifted away.

I am generally a strong person but this has knocked me for six. I am pining for her - I miss her terribly. My chest feels tight whenever I think about not been ever able to see her again. I keep thinking she is going to walk through the door at any minute.

My mum was a huge part of my life and my families life - she was my best friend and I just cant comprehend all of this. She was beautiful, always well dressed and I just thought she would beat cancer and be with us for years to come.

I feel shocked and I feel such a huge loss - its quite overwhelming.......

[EmmaP]

Hi Bregs,

I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a very close loved one is always so hard, especially when it is so sudden. Thank you for reaching out to this forum, you are very brave.

I lost my Grandma two and a half years ago now, but it seems like yesterday. She wasn't just my grandmother, she was my best friend my whole life and also my mother as she raised my brother and I after my biological mother abandoned us. I was 19 when my Gma died. She also died quite suddenly of a heart attack after living with kidney problems for a little while (but we thought she was getting better). She was 76 at the time and my brother was going through his HSC at the time so it was a very difficult time. At the time I didn't deal with my grief, but two and a half years later it has hit me in a huge way.

I can definitely relate to you in the way of feeling a tight chest and getting quite emotional when thinking about the fact she will never be around again, that I'll never get to hug her, that I'll never get to tell her about my day, or discuss my problems or even just be in the same room as her. I often go to call her and then remember, which makes me sad. I found old text messages from her the other day which was extremely difficult because it felt like I could just text her, but knew I would never get a reply.

I have developed separation anxiety now from my loved ones because I worry about losing them. It has been quite hard, especially when I feel like I'm suffocating those around me with my love and attention, but I just can't help it.

Now dealing with grief... what I have done. I find being able to talk about her helps a lot for me. Being able to reminisce on old stories about her, or being able to say "I think Gma would enjoy this movie or story" or telling a joke she told me. All these things for me have helped because I find it keeps her alive within me. It may be easier or not for you to do so, especially because everything is so raw still. But maybe try doing so with little things here and there.

I also find talking to her like she is in the room while I am on my own helps. You feel crazy at first but being able to tell her about my day its like she is still kind of there.

I also find being able to write about my feelings and grief helps, getting it out on paper, its very releasing. But you may find your own way of doing that, whether its writing, reading, music, etc.

And it also may be extremely helping talking to someone.

[EmmaP]

Being able to talk to someone about your feelings and grief may be very beneficial, even if it is extremely hard at first. I'm not sure if she passed in the hospital or not, but when Gma did, the nurses gave me a pamphlet and contact names for the hospital counsellors and psychiatrists that you could visit for free. Alternatively seeing your GP could be great as they could point you in the direction of a good counsellor or psychiatrist. I really recommend being able to go and talk to someone, I wish I had two and a half years ago and not let it draw out for so long.

I guess we will never feel completely whole again without these incredibly important people in our lives anymore, but we will have to do our best to get through life without them the best we can, because they wouldn't want us to be sad or struggle.

I hope this has been somewhat helpful. All the best with your journey, and again my deepest sympathies on your loss. Please post again if you need any help or guidance, I'm sure everyone on here would be only too happy to help. EmmaP x

[solonelyandlost]

Hi Bregs i know exactly how you feel ..i lost my mum (god its so hard to even say the words) last week and it was a shock. She had cancer and like you i thought i had more time and then suddenly she was gone for no apparent reason and i struggle with the guilt as i was not there when she left us and i will regret that forever..i keep thinking she will be in the house when i go over there..i spend every day with her in the last 6 weeks before this happened and i am so lost and empty and alone and i just dont know how to deal with this...i just cant see a future without my gorgeous wonderful mum.

 I am in so much shock over this i just want answers as to why and what happened and i just cant believe she is gone and i wont ever see her again..i just cannot fathom that and its driving me slowly insane..i keep thinking of all the things she will never do again and all the places i wont ever get to go with her again

 my grief is so overwhelming that i just dont know how to think or feel anymore

 I hope you feel better one day and just know that there are people out there who are feeling the same as you right now and im one of them

Take care

[alipcole]

Losing our mother is probably one of the hardest things most of us will ever have to endure, so it's never going to be easy.  The only thing that got me through the pain when my Mum passed away was knowing in my heart that the pain would eventually begin to lessen. I also had to admit that my Mum was in a better place than living here with painful cancer, so I couldn't possibly wish her back - that would be cruel. It takes a long time for the pain and tears to subside - about a year for me - and then I began to realize that I was having happy moments again; that I could laugh and not feel miserable at the same time.  Please just be kind to yourselves while going through these traumas and deal with each day as it comes. I believe my Mum is watching over me and my family, and that helps a lot.

[Charisse87]

Hi Bregs,

i lost my Mum (to cancer) six and a half years ago and I struggle everyday. I will never get over it but I have learnt to cope and you will too.

If you feel up to it there are two books I highly recommend - that I wish i'd been given earlier .

Coping with Grief - Diane McKissock

and 

Motherless Daughters - Hope Edleman

I hope these bring you understanding and comfort in some way shape or form.

[MaybeNut]

Hi Everyone

I'm also in this very rocky boat so I feel for all of you.  My mother was my only family member, I was raised my whole life as the only daughter of a single mother.  She was strong, capable and always in charge, but she contracted the evil motor neuron disease which ravaged her body and took her strength and ultimately, within 12 months of diagnosis, had me sitting alone by her hospital bed watching her take her last painful breath and becoming still.  

That was about 5 months ago and since then I've been in a cage of grief.  Time does heal, those chest crushing moments will possibly NEVER pass, but they get far less frequent.  It took me a long time to allow myself to feel happiness again, to permit myself to laugh and to feel joy again without guilt, but it will happen.  It also took me a while to allow my mind to go to certain memories of her, of us.  My own mind became a minefield, my body a constant reminder, why do my hands have to look exactly like hers??  But these memories and the constant reminders are slowly changing from painful to comforting.  Slowly.

So now I face this big scary world alone.  Which is an overwhelmingly lonely feeling.  I'm here to find company in my grief and to share my journey back to good mental health.

[Veritas95]

Hi MaybeNut,

Let me start but saying that I'm so sorry that you too lost your dear mum. I was also an only daughter of a single mother, and losing her left me shattered. She was fiercely independent, and took the world head on, but then the cancer came, and I watched my mother's own body turn against her. Although my mother has been gone for nearly eight years, I remember the first year so clearly. I remember the guilt whenever I laughed, or forgot for a moment that everything was different. I remember the indescribable pain when I'd have a sudden memory of what our life was.

 And the loneliness - I remember that all to well.

I can't tell you the pain goes away - it doesn't. But you adapt. Lean on the people around you. Never be afraid or embarrassed to ask someone for help, or even just to chat. If you feel like you are sinking, seek professional help. I did, and sometimes still do, and I can't tell you how much it helps in the long run to offload. 

In losing my mother, I lost more than a mum, but I lost my best friend, my confidante, and the only close family I had. But I also lost the woman that she was - a funny, independent, compassionate human being. I will always love my mum, and I hope that I become someone that she would have been proud of.

 I hope that you find the strength to rely on the people around you. One day, you will be able to remember your mother and smile. I mean it.