How to cope with Grief.

[trustlife]

I was 9 years old when I and my 7 year old brother were alone in the house when we found my father had died in his sleep. In a cruel twist of faith almost 39 years to the day we found our 13 year old boy had also left us while gently sleeping. In my mid 20's my brother and his friend were walking along a sea promenade in the middle of the afternoon and were both taken by a freak wave. They were never found.

I guess that sort of qualifies me to speak about coping with grief. As a little boy I became aware early that I needed to make a decision. I could get all the sympathy and support I needed, but I never liked it. For some reason playing that card did not make me feel good. I didn't understand why at the time. The grief would occupy all of my mind and I found the same thoughts going around and around in my head. They weren't taking me anywhere. No parent should ever have to bury their children but it does happen. Yes of course I get a bite of pain when I see his friends now driving around in cars and wonder what life would be like if he was here. But this next paragraph, I believe, is the key to coping with grief.

On one hand we have sadness, a sense of loss, confusion or maybe even anger. On the other we have pride, treasured memories and admiration. We have a choice which one we can put into our mind. The mind is like a computer. It will take and run whichever program we give it. I wake up on their birthdays and am immediately faced with a choice. THERE IS NO UPSIDE WITH SADNESS. So I swap a sense of loss with a sense of admiration.

Of course I miss them and any psychologist would probably have a field day with me, but when I carry that sense of admiration around with me, and as those beautiful memories come forth, I develop a little inward smile that just radiates my day and lights up everything.

[BKYTH]

Yes you are most certainly "qualified" as you say. Life demands of a great deal from all of us and will profoundly challenge us. I think that I understand what you mean when you say that you didn't like playing the sympathy and support card.                                                                                                                                                                                   For myself, I think that we have no other choice than to live our lives with courage regardless of what Shakespeare referred too as "outrageous fortune".  What alternative presents itself which gives dignity to that which has been left behind?                                                                                                                                                                                      You state, and rightly so I think, that "we have a choice"and we are obliged to 'choose' - Choice is not optional but is mandated by the circumstances which have led us to the present moment. If we must grieve. If we must experience great sadness then let that be the catalyst for courage, for something better than we could otherwise make of it. We can only find our strength when it is demanded of us. Most of us would prefer not to be courageous, to not have that asked of us, but that is a luxury which life doesn't afford us.                                           You have had to confront so much and have avoided self-pity. You have chosen well - You have made the better choice.  Your post has given me strength, has reminded me, of that which is so easy to forget.........I am responsible for who or what I am and am not a product, a victim of my past. Thank you for that. I wish you the very best. Regards. Philip.