Anticipatory grief for my Dad

[elljay86]

I moved to Australia from the UK just over three years ago for a two year secondment through work. Three months into my adventure here, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The day that they called to tell me, the first thing Dad told me was that he didn't want me to stop having my adventures, that I was to continue living my life as normal and that was what he wanted. So I did. I've settled here and I love my life. This year I've fallen in love for the first time in my life and I should be happier than I have ever been... And some days I am. But my Dad's doctors have run out of options and he is deteriorating fast and I can't handle it.

I'm going back for a visit soon, taking my boyfriend with me (it is so very important to me that he meets my family and now especially my Dad)... But I can't help but think that I'm going back to say my goodbyes to a man who I love dearly, that will not be around to walk me down the aisle, to see his grandchildren, to see my life here and realise why it makes me want to stay. And I don't know how to say goodbye.

 I feel selfish staying here and yet to go back to the UK would mean I'd just be going there to wait for him to pass, which neither him nor me really wants, I'm sure of it. And yet I feel like I've abandoned my family when they need me the most. 

 I'm just sat at my desk at work crying right now, it's one of my bad days. I get good spells and bad spells and yesterday I got a message from Mum telling me that she thinks I'll be shocked at how much he has deteriorated and it's triggered another down spell... But I feel like I need to be strong for my parents because I'm not even there to see the reality of the situation, dealing with it day to day.

If I can't cope with this, how am I going to cope when the inevitable time comes and he's no longer here?

[white knight]

Hi elljay, welcome here

You will cope but progression will be slow at first.

Same as you my dad passed at a relative young 64yo. His only wish? To see his grandchildren grow up- he never got there. This is a side to life that we all cant comprehend- the death experience, of loved ones...of ourselves.

You are doing the right thing, going back for a visit. And I can understand the difficulty leaving...for the last time before he passes. You are not alone with this fear- everyone with love for anyone would feel the same.

It isn't uncommon. Imagine when old people visit their interstate relatives and realise they can no longer visit then as their mobility is too restricted? Imagine the hurt when a parent needs to leave their baby in a hospital knowing at any time the little mite is likely to pass away?

What you are going through is what we all go through in different ways. It's life and its hard emotionally. Recovery isn't easy and we all have our different methods to do this. My neighbour planted roses for his son and called it "Daniels garden". I never attend cemeteries but honour my dad by carrying on his values and the way his love was always unconditional. And so on. You'll need to allow yourself time to recover...time that only you will be able to determine....no one else should tell you how long.

Yes, the crying at work will happen out of the blue. Can I suggest that during work times you keep busy.

Take care.    Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Elljay, I really want to thank you for contacting BB in such a really difficult time for yourself.

I understand your sadness as I've seen it happen to many people suffering from terminal cancer, the pure devastation when they see their loved one, either a parent, family member or an old friend look so fragile and perhaps half their initial weight.

Cancer is so cruel just as depression is, and there is no way we can ever avoid it, and that's the hard part in trying to understand why our loved one could ever be the victim, but unfortunately there is no way to prevent it.

The love you have for your dad is always with you, just as his love for you is something which will linger on forever.

As sad as you are for your dad he would never want this from you, because he only wants you to remember him in all good times that you both had together, and remember all those times when you were both laughing, maybe just at silly things that have happened where no one else would think it to be humorous, but that doesn't matter it drew you both closer to each other.

When you see him this is going to upset you, but from his eyes he doesn't want you to cry for him, he wants you to remember all the years when you were growing up, all the times when he could have 'told you off', but especially all those times when he praised you and hugged you and said 'I love you', and then 'daddy I love you so very much.'

Take some of those memories with you when you see him, he would love to hear them again.

I know how upset you are going to be, and I can only say how sorry I am for you. L Geoff. x