Miscarriage bringing up old grief

[Purple___Blue]

Hi,
I'm 44.  I miscarried last May and I'm finding it tough going.  It's bringing up post-traumatic-stress style old grief I have from my unhealthy mother-child relationship.  I also have fibromyalgia and wonder if this is caused by the old, long-term grief.  I've basically carried this for my whole life and I'm not sure what it's like to feel 'normally' happy.
I'm looking for helpful ways to express my grief, old and new, so I can stop holding onto it and live a proper life.

[July]

Hi purple and blue,

I am sorry to hear of your miscarriage, unfortunately very common, I to have had three miscarriages but I have also been blessed with four children my last born at 42, the hopes and dreams you have for that little one are forever in your heart, I have never forgotten those babies and never will.

It is understandable  that all the past pain resurfaces when experiencing another trauma, it is because we haven't dealt with it and it compounds it all over again, every time something happens.

I to, have had a traumatic childhood, with very distant and disconnected parents resulting in me being a very withdrawn and quiet child and now as an adult,  those issues still haunt me and my feelings of distrust and abandonment reside with me still.

I am now in counselling, due to a collision of life changing events and I am so glad I did, it has helped me to see my world a little better and the reason behind my depression issues, we all need help sometimes and I to, thought I would never truly be happy, its a long road but at least I feel I am not crazy and my feelings are validated.

This site has been a wonderful place to express yourself and find like minded people who understand where you are coming from, I am sure others will connect with you to.

I wish you all the best and take care of yourself, you are not alone.

July

[Doolhof]

Hi Purple and Blue,

I am so sorry to read your story. I have lost 5 babies in various ways and was notable to have live children in the end, so I do understand your grief and pain. I too had a not so loving and caring relationship with my Mum.

I realise now that my Mum was trying to do the best that she could after the life she had lived as a child. In my heart I have forgiven Mum for all the things I felt she did to hurt me. I realise now she did not do those things on purpose.

My Mum suffered from dreadful depression herself and I am sure my Grandma did also. Mum recently mentioned some of her own pain and trauma from her childhood and also due to her ongoing depression.

Regarding your grief, I would ask your Dr if he/she can suggest a grief counsellor. I went to a lady last year and she helped me immensely with my grief.

There are various things you can do for yourself. One thing that helped me was to write letters to my unborn children. I also wrote a story about my pregnancy, the dreams I had, how they were shattered, and how I wanted to live my life after the death of our babies.

Some people buy helium filled balloons and release them, throw flowers into the sea, light candles in remembrance of their baby, buy a special piece of jewellery, put a rose or other plant in their garden, or do what ever they feel they need to do to acknowledge the existence of the child they lost.

I found it helped me immensely to give my children names. It does not matter if you don't know if they were male or female. Choose a name that you like.

This site is a wonderful, caring and non-judgemental place to share how you are feeling.

I hope in some ways July and I have been able to help you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Purple___Blue]

Thank you July & Mrs Dools!!

I've had some counselling although it's been a while.  I'm booked in again on Monday.  I named my child Jackson although I've hardly ever said the name outside of our little family.  We released 7 helium filled balloons on his due date, one for each colour of the rainbow.  I plan to do it each year, with one balloon marked with the number of what age he'd be.  I have no confirmation of boy or girl, just going by my feelings.

I spoke with my husband last night about the issues that are coming up and he's pretty supportive so I am feeling better today.  I know I need to work through the issues before they get out of hand as I want to be the best mother I can, and be present for my husband and our kids.  

 I'm looking forwards to seeing my psychologist.  I'll talk to her about what I need to focus on and I hope she'll help me from here.  There's lots of information about how children are affected by distant / unemotional / narcissistic parents - but I can't find much about how to recover from it once we've become adults.  

I might look for an art class that deals with working through grief.  I've heard of them, but I don't know where to find one.  I'll keep looking though.

I might write things down more, like you suggested Mrs Dools, and write my story.  This might help too, so thank you very much for the idea.  I write things down a bit, journalling and always found it really helped, so this could be great.

Cheers ladies  🙂

Purple and Blue xXxXx 

[Doolhof]

Hi Purple and Blue,

Thanks for getting back to us and sharing how you have coped so far with your loss.

Regarding the art class, I sometimes get my paints out and just splash colour around on the canvas. I do try now and then to create something that looks like scenery, but just getting the paint on the canvas is therapy enough for me.

This is something you could try for yourself if you can't find an art therapy class near you.

I worked in a Playgroup and Child Care centre for a while and loved finger painting with the children. The parents used to join in as well. There is something about being creative that helps to release feelings, tension and stress.

All the best in your endeavours, cheers again from Mrs. Dools