Loss of My Soulmate in a tragic accident at home

[Soulmate]

Hi everyone

I lost my beautiful husband 7 weeks ago in a tragic accident at home.  I had not been able to contact him during the morning so came home early from work to find the car he had been working on had crushed him when the jack stands collapsed.

My life has been turned upside down and a good nights sleep is a thing of the past.  I am trying to deal with a couple of major issues - finding my gorgeous husband crushed under a car, losing my soulmate (we only met when I was 42 - I am now 55)), a financially motivated step son and people dropping out of my life left, right and centre.

I am struggling to keep my head above water and have sought the assistance of a psychologist.  My husband and I never fought as we discussed everything and always came to an agreement about everything.  We had a rule that we never went to bed angry and we also parted each day with an "I love you".

We spoilt each other rotten and did absolutely everything together so life now is extremely difficult. We were best friends and we crammed so much in our 12 years together that we felt like we had been married for 50 years.  In fact, we lived life to the full.

There are probably many more people on here that have sad or tragic stories, so any help you can offer me would be very much appreciated.

Thank you

Donna

[white knight]

Hi Soulmate, a warm welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Firstly my heart goes out to you and your family.

This is the sort of thing that are somewhat hidden from society. The grief. Similar to the pains of a parent separated from their children, grandparents from their grandchildren....children lost for whatever reason.

In my case the possible loss of my full time fatherhood was almost too much to bare in 1996. My demise was planned. I then thought of my kids....a part time dad is better than no dad at all. One week later I left and kept busy, bought some land and built my own home with my own hands. So busy in fact that my sadness, when it arrived, didn't hang around for long.

I'm not comparing your situation with mine soulmate. I'm simply suggesting that being busy helps and when you are ready to mentally return to the world with some healing behind you, to place goals ahead of you is a good first step. Have a good think about this. I have a friend that a similar thing occurred. She went and got her motorcycle license and purchased a trike and goes on rides with the club to cafe's and camping. Another thing is to accept that in the medium terms say 2-3 years you will feel totally different to now in terms of healing. This is no different than those in a depressive cycle in that they rarely view things better than how they feel at the time. They need reminding. I do also.

I have a few outlets/activities. Indoors during winter I write poetry, warmer months on the motorcycle and camping. Mild months in the shed painting or woodworking. I am lucky to have a wonderful wife of 4 years but we each have discussed our approaching old age and our direction following such an event.

Yes, we are no different to most that worry about the future. As an old neighbour told me once- "we are born along and we die alone". True words. I envy at times those with strong religious faith for this reason. Life isn't easy its damn hard emotionally. But as a previous workmate told me a few years back " We all suffer at some time or another.....but we only have one option...to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves down and make for a recovery".

He's right of course as hard as it is.

Everyone is different with recovery. I'd suggest due to the circumstances of that day that you will take more time than usual to move forward. Then one day you'll know its time for a step forward.

Make that step in his honour and smile -as he'd want you to. Cyber hug

Tony WK

[Soulmate]

Hi Tony

Thank you for replying and my situation is requiring a lot of strength to keep moving forward.

Yes I agree that keeping busy is the answer and I am making a goal for each day even if it is just doing the shopping or sitting outside for 30 mins. 

My motto has certainly become one day at a time and I have a couple of very close friends who are helping me take baby steps.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and I am sure I will reread your reply a number of times as you have a number of really good ideas.

Donna

[July]

Hi Donna

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and of course you would still be in shock over his sudden passing.

It is good that you have reached out of help, you will need it to travel this journey and although you are right, many people have sad and unfortunate situations..... this is yours..... and you need to grieve and mourn his loss and honour his memory.

How wonderful you found such a precious love, 12 years of devotion and love is better than a life time of misery and being with someone you don't love, so take some comfort that you found each other and you enriched his life with happiness.

Unfortunately some people don't know how to deal with death, so regarding your friends dropping away, they probably just don't know what to say, maybe afraid they will say the wrong thing or upset you more, its a fine line, maybe let people know when you want to talk , sometimes just to sit and  talk about your partner will help you and you need to let out all those emotions.

Grief is a personal issue there is no right or wrong way ...its your way and you do whats best for you, your close friends will understand , do not make apologies for your grief.

Be thankful you shared your life with a wonderful man and focus on the happy times, he loves you and would not  want you to be consumed with sadness, time is a great healer so give yourself the gift of time, don't think you have to feel a certain way at a certain time, follow your heart.

I wish you all the best and please feel free to write when you want to.

July