suicide of close friend

[HelenM]

I've been handling my mental health problems somewhat better lately. But 2 weeks ago a very good friend took his life whilst struggling with a very bad depression. For 9 or 10 days I cried alot or put it out my head, but at the end of last week that all changed. Whilst there is grief I also have a great deal of fear;  that my mind can't cope with it all and I'll become ill and maybe very ill.

To let you understand. J, another friend and I were very close friends because of our illness. I'd known J for over 15 years. Because we'd all been in a terrible place we understood each other and I would say that we knew each others illness better than anyone else. For 9 months was very ill and though he has family I was his only other confidant as for whatever reason he didn't want the other friend to know. We weren't constantly in touch but each call was charged with J's illness

. Anyway, 2 weeks ago his wife rang to say he had taken his life. He'd never attempted suicide before. I think if he had I could have accepted it more easily but J was the greatest fighter I knew. Thank God I don't feel guilt. As I said I feel frightened. I went to see my gp yesterday. He asked me if I wanted to harm myself - I don't but the question really freaked me out as he never asks me that. I wanted him to say you'll be fine. He said he thinks I'll probably pick up but is seeing me in a month. I am so scared. Suicide frightens me so much and I have a very good idea where J was in his head. People tell me that I'm  much better than I realise (I've been recovering for 13 years now). I have no confidence in my mind and I'm scared. The funeral is tomorrow and naturally it will be good to get it by. I just don't know where I am.

Helen

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[Zeal]

Dear Helen,

I am very sorry to hear of the passing of your close friend. Your reaction of grief and sadness is, as you recognize, normal and healthy. The fear is also understandable, seeing as you have suffered from depression and are concerned about your own emotional and physical wellbeing too. However, you are wise to have sought your doctor's help with this. You sound like a strong-willed person, and you have the tools and the insight to keep pushing through this difficult stage. Your friend sounds like he was a strong person too, but for some reason he just couldn't cope. After this experience, you have sought help from this forum and been to your GP. This sort of initiative is a protective factor against suicide and depressive illness- you are not shutting off people, but are connecting with others and seeking help.

Did you know your friend's wife well before he passed? Perhaps the two of you could have coffee together once a fortnight, for instance, when the time feels right. You two could be great support for each other. If you think this could be uncomfortable, then make sure you reach out to another friend (or to friends). Spending time with family members when you can is also important.

My life and the life of my loved ones hasn't been touched by suicide, so I can't provide first-hand experience or advice. However, hopefully something I've said has been helpful in some way.

I hope, with the help of your GP, your family, and close friends, that you are able to heal emotionally.

Best wishes,

SM

[geoff]

dear Helen, I know that you have been on this site many times so a welcome is not needed, but what is needed is to offer our most sincere condolences, which are only words, and certainly not the same as being there for you so that we could physically hug you and then discuss the absolute grief that you are still suffering from, the grief, the awful surprise, the questions why it happened, and why didn't he ask me or indicate to me that it was all too much.

All of this is an inner strength that is being juggled around in your mind at the moment, that only you know of, but when tomorrow comes, you will be as brave as you can be, but I'm sorry your emotion will then be too much, as it will also be for J's wife, but the two of you will be together, to comfort each other, to console one another, and this will be something that you both will need.

There are times in depression that we 'take the bull by the horn', which means we try our hardest to feel well and want to prove that we are OK, not only to ourselves but to the people around us and perhaps our doctor, it may seem to be easy at first, but as time progresses unfortunately we start to wilter and this is when help is needed.

Whether talking about what you believe was going through J's mind may or may not help, but that's a choice you will have to make, I know that you yourself will think of this and try and find a way that you can accept, which in fact J's wife will be endeavouring to ask you herself, so this is going to be pretty tough on the both of you, but what the both of you can do is to settle on an amicable reason.

My wishes for you tomorrow, and please we would love for you to get back to us. L Geoff. x

[HelenM]

Thank you both for your replies. Actually , although I know J's wife I'm not close and I'm glad to say she has some very supportive friends. My friend who knew J very well somehow seems to be dealing with it easily, but I think this is because J hadn't confided in her for a long time.

The funeral was beautiful but heartbreaking. I know I need to talk to people, it feels too massive to keep in my head. I had a very supportive friend, about my age and married as am I. At the end of March he 'tried it on with me' so I've now lost that very helpful support. In Britain we have the Samaritans who are there to listen. I've been ringing each day and they are really understanding. I do have people I can talk about this to a little bit but no one who appreciates the enormity of it. I know I must  just plod on and seek all the help whereever it is.

I've been getting spells of fear on and off for some time so it's not surprising I feel this way.

Thank you both and it's nice to see a friendly name Geoff

Helen

[White_Rose]

Dear Helen

Hello again. Not having heard from you for a while I presumed you were feeling quite well, which I gather was the case. And then this bombshell which has blown you to pieces. I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend and your peace of mind.

There is not much I can say to help your grieving other than it will pass in time. All we can do is hold on and let the grief come and go. The fear this has engendered in you is different. I know in the past you have struggled with your depression and it has been a hard fight. But think about how you have coped. Thirteen years is no mean feat and you have got so much stronger and resilient. Shock and grief do undermine our confidence in ourselves and I suspect you may be saying "It could have been me". But it wasn't and you are no longer in that place.

Yes, you have had a devastating shock and feel the ground has moved under your feet. But you will get stabilized again as your grief subsides. Your doctor was checking on your state of mind by asking if you had thoughts of self-harm. Just like taking your blood pressure. You are not in that place, you are OK, so hold on to that thought.

Can you remember what you used to do when you got upset? Can you practice doing these things again? I think, if I remember correctly, you learned mindfulness. If so, try again. The other thing is ask yourself why you would want to self-harm? You are managing very well these days. Remember it's the Black Dog on the prowl again, trying to twist your thinking and manipulate your mind. He has succeeded for a couple of weeks and now needs to be put back on his leash and walk to heel.

Helen, you have always been strong. Believe in yourself again.

Love

Mary

[HelenM]

Mary,

Thank you for answering and it's good to hear from you again.

I think in time I will stabilise if only by seeing the pattern in my mood. Just now I'm in unknown territory which is quite scary. I do know that I'm nowhere near that place now and tell myself that it's the memories that are playing with my mind.

Also, I remind myself that my mental health is a lifelong journey and as you say I'm stronger now. Before mental illness I had every confidence my mind could deal with life's blows. It is more to do with the lack of confidence than anything else that scares me. Please God things will pan out okay.

I hope you are keeping well.

Helen x