Sudden death of my mother

[MrsFox609]

Hi. This is my very first post.

On Wednesday (12/6/19) I got a phone call that my perfectly healthy Mother who was 58 had died.

I had seen her the evening prior , my son and I often visit 2-3times a week after school pick up. And 2 days a week she would pick up/drop of my son at school.

She seemed fine. Happy. Making jokes with me.

That at night she went to bed and didn’t wake up.

i am absolutely devastated , I can’t get the memory of that day out of my head. The picture of her lying in her bed, looking like she was just still sleeping, won’t leave.

Im scared to go to sleep. Im scared I won’t wake up or I’m scared I’ll replay it again.

Im scared I’ll forget all my memories and I’m scared my children will forget her.

i feel so much sadness that I didn’t hug her goodbye on the Tuesday night and I didn’t tell her I loved her enough.

im finding myself going in waves. One moment I feel okay. I can accept it then the next I just wish I could rewind the clock and somehow stop it? I’ll be fine. Then I’ll cry. Then laugh. Then cry.

i don’t know how to deal, what am I meant to do?

How can I make sure I don’t forget anything? And how do I make the feeling of loss go away?

I have two children who absolutely adored their grandma and they are dealing with this so much better than I.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi MrsFox,

I am deeply, deeply sorry for your loss and for your precious children’s loss too. You sound heartbroken, lost and devastated...it’s all so very raw and recent. I feel your pain...

I think everyone grieves loss differently, so if you’re feeling the loss in waves, I feel that’s perfectly okay. The first time that I ever lost a loved one, I couldn’t stop crying. I had never cried so much my entire life.

I’m not saying you would grieve the same way as me as it’s such an individual process...I’m simply, and ever so gently, saying that it’s okay to grieve however you need to...

I understand and hear your fear of forgetting. It’s a very real fear that once someone is no longer physically here with us that our minds can forget. I had that fear too. But somehow, I doubt that this will happen....

Your love for your mum is strong. She’ll be in your heart forever. Her place in your heart was always guaranteed...you’ll carry her forever in your heart. A heart never truly forgets....

Nevertheless, I hear and understand your very strong fears of forgetting, so perhaps there is a way to try to honour her memory. Maybe you could make a little shrine or a scrapbook (or anything else), and perhaps you could get your gorgeous children to do it with you. It would be a way to honour her memory, create something tangible to hold/touch and an experience to share with your children...

My heart goes out to your family for your loss. I’m so very sorry...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[bee61]

I too have just lost my mother, 3 days ago. I visited her the day before she passed and again within hours of her death. She looked peaceful in death but also empty. I knew the real her, her playful spirit, had gone and just her body remained. This thought has helped to sustain me over the last few days. I have also chosen to remember the good things, leaving aside the illnesses as simply something that happens to a body.

I picture her playful spirit and know that she is safe, happy and free. This has allowed me to attend to the unpleasant but necessary legal matters. I refuse to accept any thoughts that cause me to negate myself. Mum is still my Mum, she is just inaccessible to me physically, but that's ok, because for me, it's her spirit that's important not her body.

I am comfortable in my grief, I take it for long walks. My grief prefers nature to people at the moment, and again, that's ok.

Tomorrow my grief may want something different, so I am remaining flexible and intuitive.

I hope something I have said has assisted you.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi bee (and a wave to Mrs Fox)

What a beautiful post. Your outlook really moved me. I’m so sorry for your loss as well...

I like the way that you’re allowing space for your grief. Letting the grief take you where you need to go....

Kindness and care to both of you,

Pepper