My father committed suicide

[Shortyy103]

On the third of April my father who I was extremely close to committed suicide, with no signs or goodbye.. I'm shattered I need my dad. 😭
I'm so angry not at him but at myself for not sensing it, how did I not realise.
I still don't quite believe he is gone, and I don't want to believe it I don't want it to feel real. I'm scared i just need to talk to him, I need him.
I'm 21 with a 1 year old and I can't help but loose it after trying to keep it together infront of her and I'm scared I'm damaging her by crying and yelling infront of her, and that I'm going to ruin her life by doing so so then I get angry and feel guilty for that too as well as feeling that I'd be disappointing my dad aswell because he believed I was an amazing mum. I don't know what to do or how to cope, I feel so empty, numb, broken, in shock, heart broken.
I can't help but feel I wasn't enough and I'm angry at myself for that, why would he leave me😭

[white knight]

Hi Shortyy, welcome

My heart broke a little reading your post. My brother and uncle passed the same way. My sister and I attempted a long time ago. But we recovered and we now thrive.

Your dad loved and still loves you. He could not control his demons though. He left this world but had faith in you as a good mum, that you care and worry for your baby...which alone proves you are really special.

Channeling grief is one way of coping. That is, to dedicate something to your dad like part of your garden or a photo album just about him. My second daughter wasnt bornwhen my dad died, but I do tell her :he knew you wete coming and he loved you even then".

Even at a young adult age you are a leader now. You will find ways to pass on his legacy, and you will reflect "what would dad have done in this situation"?

But his greatest legacy is plain for others to see. Your level of care, your words describing him and your closeness will live on indide you.

That is the priceless gift you can cradle...forever.

Dont be harsh on your uncontrollable tears in front of your child, that will only teach her that it's ok to cry. Or to yell will teach her that it is a human flaw, or to need her cuddles....

Praise yourself shortyy. You are the carrier of your dads wonder. Keep that candle burning.

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Beyondblue Topic coping with grief

TonyWK

[Tiahli]

Hi Shortyy. This is my very first time here and very first post. I felt compelled to reply to you as me and my family are going through the same thing. I don't know that I can offer any advice to you, however I hope that letting you know that I'm going through the same thing will help you to know that you're not alone. First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I know first-hand how you're feeling as I lost my brother-in-law (more like my brother) 6 weeks ago. We are all completely devastated, are in shock and trying to do the best we can. I also know what it feels like to question why they left us. It's terrible! We've all said we would've preferred that he was in a car accident or had a heart attack, as awful as that sounds, as his ending is so far from the beautiful and kind human being he was. It just doesn't make sense at all!

Try not to be too hard on yourself regarding you daughter. I have two children and I know there have been times where I have been not as patient or tolerant as I normally would be, but I'm doing the best I can so for now that's how it is. I feel better about those times when I later cuddle or have a special moment with them. As long as you're still sharing your love with her, you need to forgive yourself for those other times. We are only human after all.

I have had 2 sessions with a psychologist through my husband's work and that has been incredibly helpful for me. Fortnightly sessions are definitely not enough however. Luckily I am able to talk at length about how I'm feeling with my sister, her children, my parents and all of their devastated friends. However, we live in a remote community away from them all so most of it's over the phone or via text message. Our friends here have never experienced anything like this before so they have no idea how to support me as I'm always the strong one...but not this time. This has felt like it's almost broken me. My heart is very heavy and I've never felt that way before.

Try to be kind to yourself, you've lost someone who's incredibly important in your life and there's no right way to deal with that. I shower daily and I struggled to shower every day and wash my hair every few days in recent weeks. It just seemed like such a huge task! I hope that you're able to find comfort in loved ones around you and even from this forum.

Take care xx

[Croix]

Dear Shortyy~

When I lost someone close it was like half of me just vanished, leaving me so alone and incomplete. It is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with, but you will get though. Seeking help, loving your daughter, recognizing the things inside you all point to that.

You are person that loves deeply - your words show that, as does your worry about your grief in front of your daughter. It has to happen and as Tony says will let her know you are human, but love here despite every bit of pain. It will be fine.

I very much doubt your dad left you. He would have had too much to bear and reached for the only way he thought he could to stop it all. I have been there and the pain drives out everything, thoughts of those I loved, everything.

You wonder, as everyone does if you were not enough - you were, that comes out in the way you talk about him and his certainty you are the best of mums. You also are angry with yourself, but without him telling you there is no way you could have known.

I know, talking logic does not stop the hurt or thoughts.

Of course you feel scared, your world is upside down, and you want to talk to him. Some people write letters and find it helps a little.

I would suggest a councilor if you can afford one, like Tiahli says talking with a professional can help.

Is there anyone else in your life who feels the loss the same? And anyone to be with you?

If you find lots of tasks too much for now please do not judge yourself harshly, as Tiahli said even something very basic like washing your hair can seem too much. Just putting petrol in the car was all I could do at times.

We are here whenever you want us

Croix