Feel abandoned by my children after the death of my husband

Patrina · ‎13-06-2019

7 weeks ago I lost my husband after he had battled with cancer for 2 years. 8 years ago we moved to Australia to start a new life and join my daughter and family. My son also intended emigrating here so it seemed the right thing to do. Before she emigrated here my daughter said she only wanted to do it if we and her brother could also come and so we developed a grand plan for us all to be together and join my brother and his family here.
After we had already moved here as our first granddaughter was due, my son changed his mind and accepted a job in the Netherlands. After we had been here 4 years my daughter and son-in-law moved abroad. They returned after 2 years but moved to the other side of the country to a remote area, 5,000 kms away. I am now here alone, (my brother and family are here but they have busy lives) and I feel that I have been abandoned and betrayed by my children. Life is not how we imagined it would be when we decided to come to Australia. I know your children have their own lives but my daughter is the one who wanted us to come here.
I feel very alone and cry every day for my husband and can’t believe that this is my life now and my future has been taken away. It’s so hard being in this house living with an empty space where my husband should be. Most days I wonder what is the point of getting out of bed. My instinct tells me to go home to the UK, as I was always quite homesick and only came here for the family and my grandchildren, but I don’t know if I could start again at age 69 my and then I would probably not see my grandchildren .

demonblaster · ‎13-06-2019

Hi Patrina and everyone ☺

Welcome Patrina to the forums, there are lovely people here that have a lot of compassion and care.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. What hard times darl your facing.

And your kids have moved too wow of course you'd be feeling so lonely. I feel so sorry for you. I hope you'll have some comfort knowing you're not alone here ☺ I know it's not at all the same as in person but you can talk anytime you like.

Patrina only answer with what you're comfortable to. I'm wondering if you have any grieving counselling or a counsellor to talk to and guide you through. If not if you book a long app with your GP they could hopefully help you if you feel that could be a choice for you.

I heard you mention you have your brother and his family but they're busy. I'm hoping you have some friends that you can reach for support too.

I too lost my loving partner of 28yrs to cancer as well. Cruel affliction isn't it. I'll put the number below to the cancer council if you're interested I had grieving sessions with trained very good counselling. There was 6 one on one then if interested 6 more group ones might be 3 to 5 people in similar circumstances. I can't guarantee they still do this but that was about 4 yrs ago and did help with the slow painful process.

Cancer council. 131120.

It certainly doesnt seem like it at this point in heavy grieving and you'll probably hear which is true time really does ease the pain. Take as much time as you need this is a very hard major adjustment for you.

My advice but of course this is entirely up to you is I think maybe it's too early for you to make a decision of moving you have so much to deal with.

I'm leaving you a warm comforting hug if you're ok with them if not no problem you have my/our shoulders and people are listening and do care.

Be as gentle as you can with yourself Patrina.

I understand that feeling of not wanting to get of bed. If you can get even half an hour of sunlight when you can it helps our mental health.

Also hope and this is hard too I know, that you're eating meals your body needs all the energy it can get.

Hope to see you again ☺

Very best wishes and care⚘💗

Patrina · ‎14-06-2019

Hello demonblaster, thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes, it is very hard. We only moved to this part of Australia when my daughter moved abroad so have only been here 3 years, not really long enough to build up loads of friends, although I do have one friend who has been quite supportive. I know they say you shouldn't make any major decision for at least a year, but I have had 2 years to think about what I would do. I think when the worst happens you just go on to autopilot as there is so much to deal with, the funeral and then all the admin afterwards. My son and daughter stayed for a month but then when they left I think reality kicked in. As time goes on I think it is getting worse not better.

demonblaster · ‎14-06-2019

Hi Patrina and readers ☺

You're very welcome hun.

I'm pleased you have a friend and in time darl you might meet more people. For now I totally agree we do go into autopilot and it is a rocky road which in time does smooth out.

Some days especially when you get better sleeps I'm guessing you haven't been but be good if you are you'll I hope have days where it's a little easier.

You've been through a lot of hard time. 2 yrs someone you love being sick is very hard.

I said to my GP I couldn't remember things, he made so much sense saying that's because your minds so full and it's protecting you hence auto pilot as well. It'll in your own time allow you to get through this pain.

Something might help is writing down how you feel. I did at times then later occasionally going through notes read back and thankfully realised how far I'd come.

I don't know if you like drawing even a pen/cil in hand and paper you can do anything you want, squiggles to Mona lisa, it's all a form of release.

Probably way too early atm but maybe later when you're feeling up to it you might like to join a club or coffee gathering where you might meet more people and make more friends.

In the couple of yrs you mentioned to think about what you'd like to do did anywhere come through strongly I know you considered a return to UK. It's also beautiful that you have some family here and your grand children. In your time you'll know what you want to do.

If you need just a reminder that your GP has resources for help if you feel you'd at some time like to talk to people in the same situation there might be groups locally or phone counselling and they can listen to you too.

I really am sorry for your deep sadness

Anytime you feel to talk you're free to here.

Look after yourself as much as you can darl you don't want to get run down more than you probably are poor soul.

See you again I hope ☺

⚘That's a beautiful Rose of your desired colour to pop in a dainty little vase so you know you're not alone.

I really do feel for you.

Good your son