Feelings of loneliness and grief after miscarriage

[Guest_125]

I had a miscarriage over a week ago, and where all the love and hope I had for my baby was, there's just emptiness. My chest has been literally aching with grief. I go from feeling sad to feeling angry to feeling numb. Unlike loss of a family member or friend who made it into the world, it just feels taboo and confronting to talk about for others, and I feel like I am very isolated. Out of the people who I have spoken to about the loss, a few have been great, but a few have been insensitive, have tried to move the conversation on as quickly as possible, or have just not known how to react and withdrew support altogether. My boss told me she was sorry to hear, but then basically told me that I'm not the only one going through things at the moment. I felt invalidated. My husband has gone through the loss too. He's only gotten overwhelming support from those he's told, and he is feeling positive about the future and focusing on wanting another pregnancy. I am feeling anxious about the future, and terrified it's going to happen again. On top of problems already going on at work, I feel like I'm drowning now in stress and grief, and it's getting harder to catch a breath.

[Guest_125]

Just to clarify about where I said unlike loss of those who have made it into the world: I am comparing it to my prior experiences with loss or grief only. I understand that this mightn't reflect everyone's experience and that it can be very hard or confronting to talk about a loss. ❤

[therising]

Hi intergalactic-kitty

My heart truly goes out to you. With miscarriage being painful territory to navigate, it's also unfamiliar territory for someone who finds them self suddenly in the middle of it for the 1st time.

It's been a number of years since I faced the heartache of miscarriage. Although the pain has eased, the memories are still clear. So much pain in regard to the loss of 2 lives, the life that was growing inside as well as the life I was looking forward to. Whilst there are those around who can be deeply understanding, there will be those who ignore the chance to gain understanding. The 1st lot will ask 'How are you? Do you want to talk?' Some in the 2nd lot may believe the longer a person has existed, the more grief there will be in regard to their passing. This is where comments like 'You should have moved on by now' or 'You're obsessing' come from, in regard to a life they never saw.

I found miscarriage to hold many challenges. There was the stress and fear of it happening in the next pregnancy. There were the tears that came about when my husband and I were first intimate after the miscarriage. There was a sense of distance between myself and those who I looked to for support (when the support wasn't as great as I would have hoped for). There were a list of challenges to face. The #1 thing that got me through was the support that came from books. I know, sounds pretty strange.

The couple of books I found held both advice from women who had experienced miscarriage as well as facts about the subject. These books offered both the support and education needed, for me to begin moving forward. The support led me to believe that there was nothing wrong with how I was feeling. I felt like I'd finally been given permission to feel the way I did. The education aspect led me to believe the miscarriage was not my fault. It takes amazing timing and precise cell development in order to produce life, which is why an estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies lead to miscarriage. Growing life is an incredibly intricate process. Because we generally tend to come across the three quarters of the population of women who have no trouble, this is what may lead to the question 'What's wrong with me?' Intergalactic-kitty, there is that 1/4 out there who understands what you're going through.

The reason I highlighted 'led me to believe' in that last paragraph is because our belief systems are what impact our life; when we change them, life changes.

Take care of yourself

[Guest_125]

Thank you so much for your comment. It's devastating to know others faced this too, but so much less lonely when people get how you feel. And I don't think it's something people seem to understand easily if it hasn't happened to them.

I had a bad day at work today, with people talking about their pregnancies and births, and complaining about how hard they were. They probably had legitimate things to complain about. But it just seemed so trivial to me when they get to hold their beautiful, healthy kids in their arms at the end of the day. I was expecting to be able to do that in December this year, and that opportunity was taken away. I would have done anything to go through any of their pain to have my baby here and healthy. I had to leave the staffroom. Honestly, I didn't realise I'd be triggered by such a conversation so easily.

I have done things to help with the grief at home, and I feel free to express it at home. It's having to hold everything in out in the rest of the world that's hard. I just feel like staying home all the time with my candle I have for my little one, but I know that's not going to help either.

Can I ask which books you found helpful?

[therising]

Hi intergalactic-kitty

I'm glad to hear you have such great support and freedom at home when it comes to expressing your feelings. I imagine it's tough for your man to see you suffering so much.

Yes, there are lots of triggers out there. It's almost as though your brain tunes into just about every baby related thing in existence. The brain can be a torturous instrument at times.

In regard to the books, I wish I could remember; it was some time ago. I went cruising through my local library and picked them off the shelf. I also wrote my thoughts in a journal at the time which, in a way, was rather heart wrenching. Recently, I looked at that journal (written about 15 years ago) and with a tear in my eye thought 'I wish I could go back in time and give my grieving self the biggest warmest embrace'. In my mind, I am now sending you that embrace.

I will sign off with some incredibly wise and profound words, spoken to me by my nephew who was about 15 at the time of the pregnancy that followed - 'You are courageous. You've been through so much and here you are trying again'. I'd never thought of myself as courageous, until that moment. By the way, my baby turns 14yo next month and he will celebrate his life because his mum found courage.

When the time is right for you to one day try again, I hope you recognise your own incredible courage. Until then, take your time and connect through the light of a candle with the soul who continues waiting so patiently to meet you. Perhaps it is no coincidence that my son is the most patient person I've ever met 🙂

Take care