Struggling with Liam Payne's Death (from a POV of an older male fan)

OnandOff

I'm a 44 gay Asian dude living in Australia. Normally I don't even like Boybands and I had thought I grew out of it years ago. However, a friend introduced 1D to me many years ago and then I started listening to their music and watching their cute smiley faces on all the videos and it made me feel really happy. So when I chill I used to, and still do have some of their songs on my playlist, when I work I sometimes have that in the background too. Some of the songs are really uplifting and just talk about life and growing up. Then they broke up and I wasn't even sad, I just thought, cool I get to listen to them individually. They all have different styles and I enjoyed all of them. In terms of looks, I liked Liam the most, he seems kind, deep, passionate, funny and has a dark side to him that appeals to me (similar to how I feel about myself sometimes). As he grew and got into fashion and modelling I also liked what he did, very attractive boy who was growing up to be a broody man. To be honest, I have not followed him for a while, only until recently when an article came out talking about how his look changed. At the back of my mind, I just went, ok great people change, at least he is still alright and doing stuff. I don't know him but I wish him well.

Then I woke up and found out about the news on my phone that day and my heart broke. I doesn't feel real and I am struggling to cope with it. I feel like my grief is alone as I am not a young girl/boy who grew up with this band, just another generation who happen to like him. I feel like I don't belong in this group of people mourning him. I talk to my partner about it and he just listens, he doesn't know 1D or Liam well but he just listens to me which is nice. However, I still feel like I want to talk to someone about it. I mentioned Liam's passing to my friends and most of them are in the same age with me, would simply say yes it is sad and they move on.

So I am REALLY struggling to cope with this news, it made me cry all the time for the past few days, when I am at work I am ok or at the gym or with people. However when I am by myself I want to read more about what happened to him, which in turn means that I find more articles and pictures and learn more about where he was in life at the time which makes the whole thing even sadder, the new Netflix show, the future marriage, the son, the new album, him wanting to play Polo again etc. All that is gone from him.

I don't know who to talk to about this, I rang Helpline support here in Australia and yes they were good but then just referred me to a counsellor which means visiting a dr then get a referral etc. I just want to share with someone how I feel and how you might suggest that I move forward on getting closure on this. I am an older fan and I feel odd and somewhat like I am the only one of this age group/demographic to be grieving him.

I am not sleeping too well as his face keeps on popping into my head. I put myself in his shoes during the spiral and felt really sad about it. I don't eat well either and things around me just seem bland. Like it feels like what is the point? The fact that he is now being highlighted as a kind supportive person makes me feel even more sick, what is the point of being all that and still going the way he did. I don't want to say that I love him, more like adore him as a beautiful deep human being who happens to produce arts that I enjoy and now that he is gone, there will never be another song, another fashion shoot another videos of him and it feels empty.

This is the first time I feel this way about a celebrity's death and I don't know how long it will be like this for.

Thank you for reading.

Scared

You are grieving the relationship you have lost. Doesnt matter if he didnt know you personally but you did know him. And now he is gone its still grief because he is your loss. When the TV show MASH ended I grieved over that. I dont think you need counseling at this point as its only recent news. However if your still feeling this way in a few months then you may need some form of counseling. I watched the MASH ending again last year and was grieving all over again. If Liams music makes you sad take a break from it and if it doesnt then have a party featuring his music. Also there must be a fan base out there where you can touch base with Liams fans. Being 44 aint too old to be 1D fan.

OnandOff

Thank you so much for reading and replying.

Thanks for sharing about your grief with MASH.

The hard part for me is I don't have people in real life I can talk about Liam with. My partner isn't a fan of 1D or Liam. Non of my friends are anymore. None seems to be affected by it. Liam does have a fanbase but most people are younger girls and they do talk abit about their connection with the band growing up as young girls, which I don't relate with. I wish there are male fans out there in my age group I could talk to. Yes I post on social and mourne him but it is just one sided.

I'm starting to find things on his vids like running and other healthy things he liked maybe I'll do those for him. I want to put a closure on this and remember him but for now I'm feeling the grief is deep and I keep on feeling his pain as his final moments and that feels terrible.

Scared

I do understand I have no one to talk about MASH with and other topics as well. Sometimes i thinking what is wrong with everybody not grieving as I did. I also grieved the young Thai soccer player who died. He was a survivor from the Thai cave rescue some years back. Its just the way our brains are wired. But our brains can be good at empathy for others and thats a positive attribute we have

ABC01

Dear OnandOff,

I think it is okay to be shocked about the unexpected passing of someone you idealised or brought you alot of joy during a period of your life.

When I first got diagnosed with Anxiety,a japanese electro-pop girl group,was the only thing that sparked stimulation back into my brain. I don’t speak Japanese. But listening to the music and watching the group do synchronised dance music videos,is how I made it out of that dark period. People didn’t understand. But that is okay,they don’t need to.

The passing of someone so public,at a young age and leaving behind a child ,will always be sad. It is okay to be having a hard time. Reality is hard and also sometimes makes us self reflect.

Glee was one of my favourite shows,but 3 of the cast members have passed away. And that was hard for me to get my head around. All of their circumstances were different,but a life that young gone,was just sad. I can’t watch the show now or listen to one of their songs from the show and not know that they are now gone.

But there is the upside. Their voices are now on those songs and out in the world forever.

So Liam’s is the same. I hope over time that you are able to digest any more news that comes from his passing and that reflection of his passing doesn’t affect you and become more personal. Perhaps it has brought up something in your own personal life?

Take your time and talk about it if you need too. I also think it is a testimony that you have cried for him. You are a lovely person.

ABC01

OnandOff

Definitely. I think you might have just addressed my issue with this. I think I just keep on feeling sad and emphatic for what had happen which is beyond our control. I did admire/adore him so it hurts. I need to find ways to be active and move on while I allow myself time to grief this. How did you cope with MASH at the time? With my mum's passing I had my siblings, relatives, partner and friends and they all help talk about her. I feel like I should be able to cope with Liam. Part of me is even feeling guilty that I am grieving him but feel OK about my mum. (She passed 7 years ago). But it is a separate feeling and I get that. How did you grief alone with MASH?

I'm trying very hard to draw positive points out of this news about Liam, trying to see what I can learn from this and use it to better myself in the future as I see it is the only way to cope with it. It is just so sad and hard to do so right now.

OnandOff

Hi ABC01,

Thank you. It means alot.

I had thought about this and spoke with my sister and thought maybe it is an unresolved grief from my mum's passing 7 years ago. I'm thinking it is separated. When mum passed there were so many supportive networks around me. I now feel that my mum is with me wherever i go. With Liam, I feel like I'm going at it alone and there is no closure.

Yes the Glee members news were very sad. I too then started to look at other young musicians/actor' deaths and Kurt Cobain, Avicci and Heath Ledger came up on my search. But I just didn't understand why those didn't affect me as much as Liam's. I did feel sad for them at the time but why does Liam's passing feel like part of me just died too. As silly as it sounds I even feel like if I had met him on the day I'll tell him ask him if he was OK and remind him that his son loves him, his family loves him and ofcourse all his fans. Yup, complete fantasy but I just wanted to go back in time and help him somehow.

I'm now trying very hard to find positive things from his life I can utilise from this experience. It is the only out I can think of. But it is just so so hard and now I'm just consumed with grief every few hours also.

Up until last night I couldn't listen to his songs. I watched him and cried last night for him. Every little things reminds me of him now, watching people play soccer, listen to music, even training at the gym.

Thank you for your response.

Scared

I grieved for Mash last year some 50 years after the making of it. I was a late starter. I looked up all the actors online and even thought of going to America to visit the film location in Malibu Hills. But when I delayed my holiday for a week because i was grieving I said enough is enough. The holiday helped ground me back down to earth. But I guess also the distance from youtube helped as I couldnt wallow in it while i was away.

Now i can watch it and feel ok about it.

However i not ready to watch the Farewell episode and maybe never will.

I looked at online forums and found out Im not the only one with this problem

OnandOff

Thank you for the insight on how you cope with MASH. Knowing that it is ok to grief on this also helps. I will keep him in my heart and in time learn to appreciate his legacy he left behind without crying and being sad about his death. It will take time and in the meantime I'll try and continue my routine best that I can, see how I go. Maybe after a month or two I will evaluate and seek help if it doesn't get easier or if it manifests into something else. Thank you a million for replying. Truly appreciated.

Hugging you from cyberspace.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Megs14

You are not alone in this, I too have taken his death hard. I’m 40 yr old married mother of 1 who has never really been interested in 1D until now. Yes I liked a couple of their songs and some of their solo stuff but nothing out of the ordinary.

I opened up Facebook that morning and at first thought it was a joke and in the weeks leading up to the event I had taken notice of posts about Liam as they were everywhere, bagging him out and honestly I just felt sorry for him.
Now I’m checking the news, wanting to know more, watching his videos on you tube and listening to songs of theirs in the car. I have felt this overwhelming crushing sadness for the last month and almost too a point making myself unwell. I know this is part of a deep seeded trauma I have however the pain is as real as I am.

I think that Liam was too good for this world - to open - to honest - to loving and just a shining light. So that’s probably why we all feel his passing so deeply.
I came here looking for answers just like others as it makes no sense to feel something so intense for someone I don’t know but it also makes total sense because your feelings make it so.

Dont feel alone as I did, grief is never lineal nor does it make sense.