Navigating Grief and Loss

[Elly12]

I’m coming here in the hope of reaching someone around my age who has experienced a similar loss.

For some context I am 27 and I lost my beautiful mum at the age of 11 after an eight-year battle with metastasised breast cancer. She was my best friend, and as the youngest of four girls, we shared a very special bond. After Mum passed, our dad did his absolute best to raise us through incredibly challenging times. Navigating teenagehood and life without a mum was, and still is, one of the hardest things I will ever go through.

Fast forward ten years and my dad passed away from pancreatic cancer. His battle was confronting, cruel and short, he was given just five months from diagnosis to his passing. I don’t think his death has truly sunk in yet. His anniversary is next week, which feels surreal to say, it’s been five years.

I am so incredibly grateful for my sisters. We are all very close, even though we live in different cities. I also have a beautiful group of friends and a supportive partner who does his best to be there for me. Still, I can’t help but feel a mix of emotions.

My grief comes in waves. Some days I honestly struggle to get out of bed. Other days I have more energy and positivity than I give myself credit for. I carry so much sadness, which often turns into anger, wondering why this had to happen to our family.

Recently, I’ve moved cities with my boyfriend and started a new job, and I can’t help but feel incredibly overwhelmed and, at times, quite negative. I’m usually a glass-half-full person, but lately I find myself feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling that way, it brings up a lot of guilt, but I also know I should be allowed to feel this way given the amount of grief I’ve experienced and, truthfully, haven’t fully processed.

I often feel isolated, as none of my immediate friends have lost a parent let alone both. It makes me feel like I don’t have anyone who can truly relate to how I’m feeling.

[indigo22]

Hi Elly12,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so sorry for you losses, I am very glad you found your way here. I am no where near your age (60s) but I can empathise with and relate to what you are going through. I lost the first member of my family (my soul mate brother) when I was 14. It is incredibly difficult to process loss at a young age and in my case, I had very little support and also had no one of my age who had gone through loss. My best friend tried to understand but didn't because she hadn't been through it. It took me about 20 years to get over that loss and I still miss him to this day now 50 years later.

Years later I lost that best friend along with another good friend. Then in the space of 7 years, I lost 3 members of my family to cancer. I had been struggling with mental health all my life and all of the grief and loss over the years took its toll. I also went through the cancer diagnosis about 5 years later but I am all good now. I only have one family member left, a narcissist sister, who I have not considered family for many years so I have no contact with her. I think the hardest part was just after the third family member passed, coming to terms with no longer having family and what my future looked like without any family support. I can also imagine that you have had difficulty with becoming an orphan at a young age.

You absolutely have the right to feel the way you feel, we all process loss differently and in various time frames which can also vary from loss to loss. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did not do any of this to yourself. You are blessed with the connection you have with your sisters, they understand perfectly the effect these losses have had. You may live at a distance, but these days that is not barrier to keeping on touch and would suggest you try to organise a regular (perhaps once a month) get together on zoom or similar. Just a girls night where anything goes, tears, laughter, your latest achievements, a new insight that has made a difference. Make it your time to be real with each other about whatever is going on in your lives.

I think the most important thing I have learned is that what I have been through has made me a better person, more compassionate, more understanding etc. I came to the forums because I was looking for a way to help others who are going through a crisis. What point would there be in any of it if we don't use our experience to help someone else. I know it will be difficult to get your head around at present, but I truly believe that our life experiences happen for a reason and that reason is usually to teach us something about ourselves.

There are other things I can suggest so please feel free to continue the conversation.

Thinking of you with care,

indigo 💜

[Doors24]

Dear Elly12,

I am not your age, nor have I experienced your type of loss.

However, I have had extensive time researching grief and loss.

You are incredibly strong for what you have been through and what you still carry today.

Grief doesn't have a timeframe or follow the six official stages of grief in a neat circle and then you are done. It ping pongs all over the stages and repeats many times. And it may do so for the rest of your life. At various severities. Your significant losses can be triggered by holidays and birthdays. Seeing something in the window of the shops that either of your parents used to use or like.

So, to get sad or angry are very valid feelings.

You are so strong and resilient. You probably don't notice it but reading your post it show's very strongly.

You have such deep love and so you feel the way you do because of that love.

And that is such a beautiful thing.

There other websites dedicated to grief. A simple search online will show you some Australian ones. They sometimes have forums there too.

Grief and help for it, isn't just for fresh or raw passings. It is for everyone who has experienced it. Sometimes not everyone can process all of it at the time it happens. There is no shame or guilt if you are still experiencing and exploring grief years later.

Some scars never fully heal over. And that isn't a sign of weakness or fault of your own. Sometimes those losses are just that big in a person's life.

I am glad you have people in your life, and I understand if you sometimes feel like they can't provide what you need. Perhaps a grief counselor can or even a psychologist may be able to support you more there.

Wishing you the best,

Doors24