Hi Jetramix
My heart goes out to you so much regarding your dad's passing and so many mixed emotions. Such an incredibly challenging time in so many different ways, with so many questions surfacing on a daily basis. With my mum having passed last May, in the weeks following it felt like a powerful mental and emotional tornado that could be felt as a physical churning at times.
Regarding the will, if you can think of anyone you can speak to who's fully conscious of what's in the will, that would be your go to person or someone who could easily find out for you. As Croix mentions, waiting for probate would be another way to go.
Of course, everyone manages grief or loss differently. As a gal who sees emotions as being incredibly telling, in the earlier weeks and months after my mum's passing I struggled so much with figuring out what my emotions were trying to tell me. Over time and on reflection, I've come to make a lot of sense of them and will continue to do so as new emotions surface in the future. Emotional growth doesn't suddenly stop. I'd have to say the most challenging of all emotions involves an overwhelming sense of love, which still occasionally brings me to tears. At first this emotion felt like a form of torture yet over time I came to realise a heartbreaking loss can only come with a deeply heartfelt love. I can feel how deeply I loved and still love my mum. Sometimes I have to vent such an intense love out through my eyes. It's okay to do that. Such great love cannot be contained. The truth is I always believed I knew exactly how much I loved my mum when she was alive but with her passing the full extent has been revealed to me. Not sure if you can relate but another set of emotions that I still struggle with on occasion involve feeling a lack of a sense of direction, a sense of safety and a sense of reassurance. When someone is a great guide to us, a port of safety in life's stormy times and when they're someone who reassures us in a number of ways 'It's okay to be you. You are an amazing person doing your best', you can really feel the loss of such a presence in your life. So many emotions to figure out over time. Btw, I've found that it's not time that heals all wounds, it's the revelations that come to us over time that play an enormous part in the healing and the way forward.
The 'returning to work' part is definitely a challenge. I returned to work only 2 days after my mum's passing because I knew who I'd be working with, an incredible woman. She asked me 'What do you need from me?'. My response was along the lines of 'I need you to make me laugh as much as possible because if I don't laugh I'll cry'. I don't think I'd ever laughed so much at work outside of that first week back. Btw, during my breaks I'd sit in my car and cry. I wouldn't have returned to work so soon if it wasn't for the people I work with. Certain people can be conjurers of emotions we need to feel at times. They can offer a break from the tougher feelings. On the other hand, my husband (while trying to be supportive) only wanted to console me with hugs and what I felt as saddening words. While that works for some, I have a history of feeling the impact of depression and could only feel his approach bringing me down. I needed to be raised through laughter and much needed revelations, especially those relating to emotions and making sense of the many challenges that can come with great loss.
It can be such an unbelievably confusing time. How can we easily and completely make sense of an overwhelming challenge or set of challenges we've never faced before? It cannot be done in an instant, in a day, in a month or even in a year in some cases. Some may struggle to make sense of it all in a lifetime. I think part of the experience involves finding people/guides who can direct us toward the difference we can be so desperate to feel. I've found the greater the guides, the less time it can take. ❤️
