Grief. 10 years later.

Broken79

Hey.

I'm back again.

I don't really know where to begin. All I know is I want it to end.

The lonliness and feelings of being lost in a foreign place without him are very overwhelming.

Its 10 years next August.

10 years without my sweetheart is crazy.

20 years we spent together. 6 kiddos and a reality I will never be able to exist in ever again.

What a ride it was! I took it for granted. Now. It's gone.

I tried other relationships.

Got "swept of my feet" literally 5 months after he passed.

The guilt and shame and absolute disgust in myself for that decision haunts me every single day.

The guy ended up thinking he could access my then 14 yro daughter, whom I'm proud to say, spoke up right away. I kicked (i wished literally) him to the curb and supported my sweet girl throughout the court proceedings.

Can understand why people stopped wanting to be my friend after that though.

So, super isolated, with only my children ( who's love is unconditional) . But had to leave town. New community, new beginnings right?

Nope.

The pain. It follows me, the self doubt, the self loathing, the ugliness of it all tags along with me every single step and day I exist. ... and....

You know what.....

I kinda think I deserve it tbh.

So I've become numb, things that excited me no longer make me smile.

I have to act to convince myself that I should be happy.

I mean, I'm great at being a social worker, I can slap my hat on for the day, and flick it off when I'm home.

Its not fair on the girls, now 16, 18 and 25. But I respond on cue, smile when everyone's laughing and just be there, in the moment, even though I'm miles away.

I'm morbidly obese at 122kilos and have become interestingly masculinly ( if that's a word) unattractive.

I now am just waiting to expire.

46 next week.

And I'm so so sad.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post.

I get it if none has even made it down this far.

But, I need to off load it somewhere.

Any words would be greatly appreciated. I dont know ..

🐌

Croix

Dear Broken79~

Welcome back to the Forum - a good place to come. As you have found out change of location does not fix it all as you carry so much self-blame within you

When my wife died after many years together I had grief, loss, anger and all the emotions you would imagine - the same as you.

Not only had half of me just disappeared but I had to learn all the things I had relied upon her for. Discussions over decisions, impressions of people and so much more.

My life with her had been so good I wanted it to repeat and was luckier than you. By chance I found somebody, or they found me, and again I have that happy life -It has gone on for many years now and we are still in love.

It happened quickly and we were married within a year, getting to know each other. Sadly the man you went with gave all the signs you wanted -even though later you found it was all a pretense.

There is no blame in wanting another sweetheart to share life within 5 months - it is not that short a time, if anything it is a compliment to what you had before and are anxious to return to.

So you had a horrible lesson, there are selfish and unscrupulous people in the world and they do make a practice of preying on the vulnerable.

It is only luck we have not swapped places. I happened to find someone good.

You acted with dispatch when you found out what he was doing - nobody could do more.

Now you are acting the same as many honest good hearted and loving people - you blame yourself -even to the extent of trying ot alter your appearance to drive off men. Of course looking from the outside I'd sat you did well all hte way though

Nobody should live with these destructive feelings for this long, please seek assistance, both with the grief and loss, and with the guilt. Can I suggest you see your GP and ask about a psychologist or councilor? I have had other losses and could not climb out by myself - it took help.

I was warmed to read "my children ( who's love is unconditional) ". That is a treasure not all have.

I hope you would like to come back and talk some more

Croix

therising

Hi Broken79

First, I sincerely wish to give to you my most heartfelt apology for not replying to your post to me on your other thread. I either overlooked it or it's the glitchy thing going on with the forums, where all reply posts aren't getting through. Either way, my deepest apology. ❤️

I truly wish I was there with you, sitting beside you, encouraging you to do whatever you needed to do to help you through one of the most challenging and emotionally brutal times in your life. Whether it involved venting tears or words, I'd encourage it. Whether it involved making greater sense of everything, I'd encourage it. Whether it involved sitting for hours or days together, trying to figure out the best guides for you at this time, I'd be there for as long as it would take. The thought of a person managing all that on their own feels so heartbreaking. I believe one of the hardest things to manage would have to be the words 'I just don't know how to live anymore, under the circumstances'. Be kind to yourself, as no one's shown you how to do what you've never done before.

At both the worst and the most joyous times in life, we partner with people. Whether it's our spouse, our child, our parent, our friend or someone else, we share an experience with them. Whether we're relieving each other's sense of stress, sadness, anger, guilt or some other challenging emotion or we're experiencing certain highs together, we're not meant to be doing a lot of that stuff alone all the time. For you to have found someone to partner you through one of the toughest times in your life doesn't point to your faults, it points to your needs. The fact that they abused the privilege of being in your life and your family's life points to their faults. How you partnered your daughter through everything speaks volumes as to who you truly are. The nature of the work you do also speaks volumes. While we can be a saviour for someone else, a visionary and guide or leader for someone else, a support for someone else and so much more for someone else at the most challenging times in their life (like you've been for your daughter and those you serve in your job), I believe one of the hardest things to do is be our own saviour, our own seer and guide or leader, our own support and much more.

As an ex emotional drinker (earlier in my life), I'm now definitely an emotional eater and it shows. That's a whole topic on it's own, emotional eating. Whether it's eating to fill an emotional void, eating to feel some joy, eating to avoid facing the challenges that just feel too hard to face and/or eating to fuel a body that's screaming for energy while it experiences next to no physical energy, the reasons can be many yet are well worth working out. This is something I need to start constructively doing myself for many reasons.

It was many years ago that I gave a kind of identity to long term depression, while I faced it. I came to imagine it as this thing that resembles a nasty little creature hanging on around my neck, whispering horrible things into my ear. I imagined it also holding a long dark cloak around my neck with all these labels pinned to it ('hopeless', 'pathetic', 'loser', 'someone who will never change' and the list goes on). Over time the whispers add up. Over time, the cloak gains weight with all the labels weighing a person down. I came to realise that if there is one thing this nasty little creature thrives on it is getting us alone. Only when we're alone can it do its worst. We should never be left to face depression alone. How to be free of the whispers and how to be free of the cloak becomes a shared mission. ❤️