My 18 year old cat died yesterday

[Maggie56]

Maggie was my life, my world.  It was just her and me.  I'm now surrounded by all of her things and can't think of anythng else.  I just arranged her cremation.  I have no-one to talk to; no family or friends.  I'm seeing my GP tomorrow but am so consumed by grief and guilt, it feels like my heart is breaking.  I don't know how to go on without her.

[ABC01]

Dear Maggie56,

 I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Maggie.

My own cat was tragically killed 3.5 weeks ago and I am feeling all the emotions and despair too.

I wanted to tell you that seeing your GP was a great first step as well as reaching out on here. Be very direct and transparent to express your emotions. Your grief is real and valid. You need to be heard. I did the same thing the day after my cat passed. And still am talking to professionals trained in grief. May I suggest greifline.org.au  . They have many resources and articles to help understand your grief,as well as a hotline that runs from 8am - 8pm. They are specifically trained in grief. Though it may not feel useful right now, education on what is happening in your current moment,can be a small respite. Also the hotline here is 24/7.

The day my beloved cat died, I had to move all of his things into the shed or the study,to get them out of my line of sight. The triggers were too distressing and I was almost hysterical. But I kept some small belongings like his favourite toys and his favourite sauce packet. The rest were put in protective bags and covered with a moving blanket to protect them and keep them safe until I am emotionally ready to decide what to do next. I still haven’t vacuumed my floor.

The biggest advice I got early on, is NOT to make ANY decisions right now. If you make big decisions when you are in shock and grief,you may regret them later on. It is okay to put things off until you are able to cope with them.

You are not alone. People are here to talk to you. It hurts my heart to hear your circle isn’t very large. Maggie sounds wonderfully loved and your heart must hurt at any thought of her. But your love for her is evident and that love always stays.

It is so important that you eat 3 times a day,even when you don’t want to. Keep your routine,sleep at night and exercise to get out your adrenaline. Ask for help if you can’t do any of these. The only way to do grief is day by day and not looking to far ahead.

Please reply if you need too.

ABC01

[Maggie56]

Thank you for your response and advice.  I'm so very sorry about the loss of your beloved kitty.

[ABC01]

Dear Maggie56,

I had wondered how you were going? (But only if you wanted to talk or share.)

ABC01

[Maggie56]

Thank you so much for caring.  I still cry but not as much.  I can't remove her litter trays from the bathroom; I feel like they're a part of her.  I have a Zoom appointment tomorrow with a counsellor specialising in the loss of a pet.  I'm hoping that will help.  The vet took pawprints after she passed away but I still don't have the strength to go and collect them.  Every little noise I hear, I think it's her and I call out.  I miss her so much in bed at night and yelling at me in the morning for her breakfast.  

[ABC01]

Dear Maggie56,

Thank you for replying. And I do care how you are truly doing. You said you have no one to talk to and going through this alone. This is hard with any support,let alone by yourself. And I don’t want you to be alone.

It is great you have found someone to talk to and especially in this field. I hope this is helpful in even the smallest of ways. I have found that alot of people just don’t understand the importance of my own loss and the advice is repeated and generic. So someone who specialises in your loss will be far better.

Just this morning I woke up, sat up in bed and was about to yell my cat’s name out loud,before I remembered. He would run through the house,his bell ringing , jump up on my bed and make himself very comfortable in my personal space,just to say good morning and you are finally up. I miss that so much. I miss his face. The eye contact.Night times,especially in winter, were our cuddle time in blankets,the heater and him loving stealing my body heat between my legs. Nights are lonely now. I almost hate the sun going down.

I understand your grief, I just miss a different cat. I find myself sometimes unable to cry or crying doesn’t go for very long. It is like my tears have stopped producing even thiugh I am upset.Sometimes I have calm moments and then feel guilty for having them. This is all a part of grief. Sometimes I find myself gettIng slightly used to something in my current life and then I feel guilty. This is also grief.

Keep your kitty litter where it is until you are ready. The amount of objects I have felt the exact same way about,like they are a part of him,is alot. Because they do belong to them. It is another loss to us if we say goodbye to them. One step at a time. That is all we have to do.

The vet will keep your precious paw prints safe until you can get them. You could also try to look at it from a different angle. The paw prints will be far safer in your care,then a strangers in that clinic. You don’t have to look at them if you don’t want to,but take them home and put them somewhere safe. They maybe able to be part of your enduring connection with Maggie. Also, you don’t need to go back to the clinic again once you have done that,if it is a painful place to be. And then you can let go of that worry and task. You don’t need to carry that repeating anxiety then.

I hope you are looking after yourself. Eating,staying hydrated,sleeping and exercise.

 I saw some kittens the other day at pet store and had a good chat with them. It is the first time I have seen a cat face to face in 4 weeks. It was surprisingly nice. Just to see there faces. They were not mine. But I also have just missed cat-life everyday. I think they are important for my daily being. I don’t want one in my home and life right now or anytime soon,(except my boy)but I definitely am a cat person. Perhaps seeing another cat and interacting with them might help you one day soon. Not a suggestion,just a reflection.

Stay well Maggie56 and please reply again if you want too.

ABC01

[Maggie56]

Thank you again for your support.  I did collect her pawprints and a little vial of her fur.  This is all still feeling a little surreal.  I had her for so long, spending all day/every day with her, and now there is just nothing.  

I hope that you too can find what you need and maybe one day let another baby into your life.  Thank you again.

[ABC01]

Dear Maggie56,

 I just wanted to say hi and see how you have been going.

But only if it isn’t upsetting for you or if you are okay now and don’t need to chat.

So whether I hear a reply back from you or not, I hope you are doing well.

From ABC01

[Maggie56]

Thank you so much for asking. No, I'm not okay and I don't think I ever will be. Maggie was literally my whole world and everything I did, I did for her. I miss her so much it hurts. It's so strange her not being here. I have no interest in anything else and constantly wish I had her back, even just for five minutes. I cry every day.

[ABC01]

I am so sorry Maggie56.

I am feeling the exact same way about losing my Major. I don’t know if we actually do get over it. Love and family bonds run so deep that if we did get over it,in a way that would be cruel and love would be so pointless. However I do know from personal experience that you grow around it. It is like your body knows something is there, like a screw to set a broken arm in place, and the skin and muscle grow around it again. But the screw stays just the same, inside your body.

I too feel immense pain,sleeping is the only silence I experience.But as soon as i wake up,everything floods back. I don’t want to do anything and nothing motivates me. I have never cried in pain this much. I constantly see him everywhere and there is a brief moment of love,followed instantly by overwhelming sadness. Sadness that he isn’t there anymore.

 I don’t know how to navigate this and everyday seems to be getting worse. I am incredibly protective of his things and don’t want anyone to touch them. I only have his photo to kiss good morning and good night too. Love is such an incredible experience in our lives,but can destroy us in a second.

Cry for Maggie. Grieve and mourn her. Take it day to day. But most importantly love her as much as you always do. Talk to her and tell her you love her and miss her. Thank her for everything she has ever given you and find moments in photos that remind you of the favourite things she did infront of you,to connect to her and the love and light your lives together produced.

For many cat people,Cats are our whole world,and we are their’s. They make our lives so enriched and unbelievably happy and I bet you can look back on her life with you and find so many moments you are proud of with Maggie. You can identify what Maggie has taught you and be insanely thankful that Maggie walked with you in your life.

The greatest honour is Maggie was loved by you and Maggie loved you back. Not just a small amount,but an amount that there is no humanly scale to measure.

I know I find everyday hard and the weeks keep moving. But please take care of yourself just as you did when Maggie was with you. She would want her mother to be healthy and small steps at a time can get you there.

However “healthy” doesn’t mean your grieving is over. It just means you are taking care of your body.

Reach out again if you ever need to.

From ABC01