Hi Iking, a warm welcome to such a brave lady.
Brave? oh yes, you are. You wrote here your post that would have been so so hard. Always putting on a brave face to others yet your heart has broken. I cannot mend your heart ....but I might be able to redirect your thoughts, just a little.
Until now Ingrid it has been uncontrolled grief. I need you to know above all else that I say to you, that your daughters passing was not your fault. It is likely she also had little say in the matter, because she wasn't herself.
My father used to grow Fusia flowers. I have one in my garden just for him. I'm sure you have momento's for your daughter. Keep this going.
At this time you have no zest for life but life itself can be so wonderful. You will need to pursue this beauty in a totally different way than you are used to. i.e. Have you seen a flower bloom? from start to finish? Early one morning choose a flower, a daisy or other closed flower....watch it open. Watch a bee feeding on one. Watch a sunset for the whole 2 hours start to finish. There are many ways to appreciate life that seems to pass you by as a worthless pursuit of ...just existing.
Many years ago I listen to a remarkable man called Maharaji. Thankfully now he has youtube videos. This is the tip. Find a dark quiet room, Google "prem Rawat maharaji sunset". Listen to this video. Feel it all. Embrace his vision. There are others. "prem rawat maharaji the perfect instrument" and many more.
This wise and remarkable man was 9 years old in his Indian village when a crowd mourned an elder. He climbed a fence and demanded the crowd stop crying and instead celebrate the elders achievements. By 13yo he was on television, by 40yo he flew his own Learjet to many countries. But he doesn't push religion. This could be a way of celebrating your daughter life. To find your inner self....which is one of his teachings.
My brother left us the same way. That was in 1979. 18 months earlier he'd suffered heavily from the death of Elvis, his idol. Time does make things a little easier to bare as long as you remain busy. Hobbies, sports, dancing etc. Chase those activities.
There's the gifting of your heart to others. You might one day be strong enough to come on here and help a mother that has recently experienced the same fate of life.
Whatever you end up doing, do it in honour of your daughter. Hold your head up high and remain proud. Your daughter is always behind you proud as can be.
Tony WK
