Loss of best friend to grief

[oceanwaves]

Hi, 

Myself and my best friend have lost a friend to suicide almost two months ago. She was very close to him and is not coping well. I am trying to be supportive, let her know I loved her and I would always be there for her etc. I tried organising a catch up even if just for a quick hello/coffee but she can't seem to lock anything in with me or not making time for me (even though she has caught up with a few other friends). I keep trying to tell myself its normal to go through these emotions and you can push people away in these times of grief. But we were super close and now I can't understand why my best friend has pushed me away so much but seems to be reaching out to other friends and her new relationship. She says she isn't happy and nothing is making her happy yet she seems to be very happy with her new partner and is talking to her other friends and not a single interaction with me.

I am very hurt and we have talked a bit about it and I have expressed very honestly but kindly how I feel (mainly that I am hurting to and I just want us to be there for each other, I miss her a lot), but she seems to avoid the issue of how I am feeling very hurt when I just want to be there for her, but also I need her to be there for me as I am grieving too. She has lashed out at me as well, but also says she is the closest to me and she loves me, but her actions tell me otherwise and I really felt like our friendship is broken. It is giving me anxiety and because we were so close, now I feel alone and like I cant talk to anyone. It seems everything she says is the opposite of how she is reacting and that makes me upset because I feel like she actually doesn't care anymore about what we have lost in our friendship too. 

I need some insight as to why she keeps saying I miss you and need you, but she won't make the time to catch up, we aren't talking but she has been interacting a lot more with other friends. 

I don't know what to do. I have tried everything and I can't handle just being a sideline friend when I feel like I've lost my best friend 😞 Advice from anyone going through the same?

Thanks. 

[trustlife]

Hi Oceanwaves,

A few issues to address. I'm not a psychologist but have dealt with a lot of grief in my own life. So much that I do recognise when it can be turned in a different direction. A shot in the dark here, but is it not possible that her being with you reminds her of times when the three of you were together. It's common (I won't say normal) for grieving people to give those closest to them the hardest time. There's little to be gained in 'taking that on' as it will be reverently denied and you will be pushed away further. The answer needs to be a bit more subtle and needs some more understanding.

I am a funeral celebrant and deal with families in tragic cases like this. When I hear ladies talking about how they have coped with a loss, I'm often reminded of the saying Cleopatra - Queen of Denial. Not trying to be smart but the truth is, denial of friends, family and life in general is a decision a lot of grieving people make.

Another complexity here is your own grief. You're entitled to grieve for your own loss. And that too can easily make you misread your other friend. I'm not denying she's treating you the way you described, but you both lost a friend.

So start with yourself, and look at it like this. When you consider your friend who died you have on one hand sadness, a sense of loss and maybe confusion or anger. On the other hand you have admiration, pride and treasured memories. You have a choice every day which to put into your mind. The mind is like a computer, it will run whatever program you give it. The best advice I can give you is to swap a sense of loss for a sense of pride.

I do this every day for my own little boy we lost 10 years ago, and believe me there is no upside to the sadness program. Then you will be in a position to look at your friend with clearer eyes and I am convinced you can start to re-kindle your friendship.

[Cait_vde]

Hi Ocean Waves,

 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my best friend to suicide and I know exactly what you are going through. 

I endured a very similar experience except I was the friend who was distant. I started to become very territorial over my feelings and the whole experience of losing my best friend. A close friend of mine was very supportive and constantly offering their help. However, I felt extremely suffocated by the support. I even became paranoid that she was using me and my dead best friend for her own personal gain.  I felt as if everyone was telling me they were there for me and wanted to help me, but no one could really understand what I was going through. In hind sight, I feel guilty for pushing everyone away. Not only that, but myself, my best friend who passed and another best friend were an inseparable trio, and prior to June of this year, I'd be lucky If I had contact with her 5 times in the past three years. 

It is extremely hard to explain to you my motives behind my thought processes during that time. Although, back then, the only thing I wanted was for everyone to stop constantly telling me they were there for me. As for your best friend, maybe just try and give her some space. If she is spending a lot of time in her new relationship, please be happy for her that she has found joy in this terrible time in your lives. It is never easy to watch someone slip away, but if you respect her wishes and leave her be and wait for her to approach you or interact with you, then chances are time will be able to heal your friendship. I often wonder that if certain friends had done the same for me then we would still be friends to this day.

I hope I have been able to help x