Losing my Dad and partner

[Em2211]

About 18 months ago I lost my father to bowel cancer. Watching him die was the most horrific experience of my life. He went very downhill and died within a few weeks, after living with the disease for several years. He was devastated, terrified and unprepared. In hospital during the final days he would cry in pain and ask where he was going when he became delirious. He turned yellow and didn’t recognise me. My father remarried an awful woman 35 years younger than him and while he was ill she demanded he leave her everything in his Will, otherwise she would divorce him and take his infant daughter back to the Philippines. So me and my disabled sister had to go through a terrible legal battle after he died, just to receive a very small portion of what we were entitled to. There was really only the house left, she had drained all his savings and superannuation while he was ill.

All the while my boyfriend at the time was a very emotionally detached and distant person, he tried to be there for me, but often that comprised of saying nothing and staring at me blankly. It made me feel so misunderstood and alone. A few months afterwards we broke up. I didn’t want to, I really loved him, but I just felt so unbearable sad and sick with grief and I knew he was just making me feel worse with his emotional detachment. I thought things would just disintegrate and become horrible if I didn’t end things amicably. He didn’t put up a fight.

I think for the past year I have shut everything out, I have developed problems with alcohol and motivation, many mornings I’d wake up covered in bruises with no recollection of the night before. Twice I concussed myself by blacking out while drunk. I’ve worked extremely hard seeing a psychologist to overcome the grief and poor coping, and I’ve finally started feeling a bit more normal again.

I miss my ex boyfriend so much and regret our breakup. Recently he spent a night cuddling me and holding my hand in his bed after a night out with friends (he wasn’t drunk) then he turned around and said it meant nothing to him and he has no feelings for me. It just broke my heart and now I feel back at square one, even worse than ever now. I don’t know why he’d hurt and humiliate me like that, even after we broke up we stayed close friends and he said he loved me. It’s so hurtful and I feel like my life has become unbearable. He knows how hard everything has been for me and I just don’t understand how my life has ended up so horribly.

[Doolhof]

Hi Em2211,

I'm sorry to read about the tragic death of your Dad, the battle you had with his wife and the trouble with your boyfriend. All of these thigs can build up and cause us a lot of distress and anguish.

It is good you have reached out for some counselling. Learning to deal with grief can be hard but so beneficial.

Would it help you to write a letter to your Dad. I know that he has died, it can help to write down all you are thinking and feeling in a letter. You can either keep the letter after or rip it up.

You could do the same for your male friend, only don't give it to him. Just express all you are feeling on the paper.

In the darkness, the hurt and the pain, it is difficult to find things to be thankful for. It may help to write down at least one thing each day that you are thankful for. It may be as simple as looking at a flower, feeling the sun on your skin, a smile from a stranger.

Have you heard of mindfulness? You might like to Google that and see if you can incorporate some of the ideas into each week.

At the end of last year I was in a horrid place. I have made a few small plans, thought about things I can do and am slowly finding life to be worth while again.

I do so hope you are able to do the same. Think of one thing you would like to achieve this week and see how you can go about doing it.

Hope some of this helps! All the best from Dools