Loss of Mum

[Bryan_]

It's been a over a year since my mum died of cancer. I was her primary carer for 2 years, doing all I could to help her recover. Now I'm still crippled with anxiety and depression, living in her house which we shared. I'm 60 yrs old. Finding it almost impossible to forge a new life. Meds and therapy have proved useless. All I can try and do is eat healthy, a little exercise and sleep when I can to forget the nightmare she is gone. I know I need to get out more, but the apathy and lack of enthusiasm in anything is overwhelming.

[quirkywords]

Bryan.

welcome to the forum . this place is full of kind and supportive people.

i am sorry to hear of about your mum. grief is different for everyone. it takes time and there is no use by date,

I am a similar age to you and my mum died 17 years ago , and I cared for fear and she had dementia.

i found keeping a journal helped me pour out my feelings of loss.

have you spoken to a grief counsellor?

it is hard and you will always feel her loss ut hopefully slowly and step by step you will be able to feel more enthusiasm in life.

Quirky

[Blusky]

Hi Bryan,

I am deeply sorry to hear about your loss. Loosing a parent is hard.

I lost my dad a few years ago now also to cancer , I was his carer and he was my rock.

Never would I have thought that this amount of grief could be felt, it broke me, so I hear you.

One thing that helped me was I wrote dad a letter, I wanted to let him know all of the things that has happened since he had gone, I then took it to his resting place. I don't know why but it helped, it was very emotional but gave me comfort. I also get comfort in that dad lives on in me and my sister.

Time is a great heeler, a therapist once told me one day the sadness that you feel when you think of her, will turn into smiles of the memories that you have. Day by day they are.

Hang in there. Take every day as it comes.

[quirkywords]

Bryan,

That idea of Blusky to write a letter to your mum is a helpful,one.

When my dad died I mentioned to my daughter that I couldn’t send him a birthday carded and she said she wrote a card to her grand parents every year and telling the them what she was up to an it helped.

I just started a file on the computer saying Dear dad, and just wrote to him in the first couple of years I wrote a lot and it became sort of a diary of emotions and events. telling my dad all the things I would have shared with him if he was a live. that was 11 years and may only write once every year or so when I want to share something.

It really helped in that first year . that is true what Blusky wrote about the sadness turning to smiles and memories. I think you will lilttle by little start thinking more about themlife you shared . She will always be with you because of your memories.

Quirky

[Bryan_]

Thanks, Quirky.

Sorry to hear your mum died of dementia. That must of been very hard for you, as my aunt now has it, and I visit her often to do all I can to make her feel comfortable, absolutely exhausting for her grandson who is her carer. The only comfort is that she seems happy, just dreads being put in home, which is not going to happen.

Being a primary carer for mum did not so much as left me exhausted but incredibly anxious about the uncertainty, and the constant re-assurance she'd recover, as this is what she wanted. She was Irish and proud, so in the later stages she'd only let me wash and shower her. My family were no help, busy with their own lives. She died and I arranged everything, as one has to. But now, the void fills my life, yet I've no other worries, financial or otherwise. Just survive without her. Learning to live again is so much harder than I anticipated.

I keep a journal, it helps, I talk to her over breakfast, and she wishes me to look after myself and carry on, be kind and supportive to people who are suffering. I was seeing a psychoanalyst who re-assured me I was in mourning and would re-engage with life at some point. Just when, though?

[Bryan_]

Thanks, Blusky,

It's so comforting to know others are feeling like me, makes me less alone, and less fearful I'm losing my mind. I never believed I'd feel this low, experience this real acute anxiety and suffering. I have so much more sympathy for others who also experience these agonizing, crippling feelings. It's so incapacitating. Many just don't get it. I'd rather just break all my limbs than endure this...how fragile the mind is. How hard it is to escape from the crippling frightening feelings. Ugh....I hate it. I just want some kind of stability in my life, even just some common form of unhappiness. Yes, I will try and write letter to mum. I just talk to her for now. It's struggle just to eat, take a short walk, read and get some sleep. There are so many things I want to do, but just can't. Not now, anyway. One day I believe I will live again. When? Takes time, I guess. I'll hang in there, like you suggest.

[quirkywords]

Bryan

thanks for your replies.

I think if you can just accept you are grieving and know one day you will feel better. I remember not realising I was not grieving as much just I did not have that blanket over deep sadness on me.

It sounds like you are doing well and doing all the things you need to be doing at this time.

Feel free to post here when you need to.

We are here to support you.

Quirky