Grieving over death and betrayal

[Eenah]

I recently lost someone I loved because of health complications. On the day he died, I found out he’d cheated on me with so many women. They say we only live once but die many times in our lifetime. Losing him, and learning he wasn’t faithful all the 13 months we were together, shattered me. I died twice.

I don’t know how to process this. Which one do I grieve first? Sometimes I’m okay. Sometimes I can forgive the betrayal. But sometimes I wake up hating him so much. If I had the choice, I’d rather see him with another woman than dead. I don’t know. I don’t know how to regulate my emotions. I’m devastated. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him even the lies, I guess. My heart is so heavy.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I do understand. It's like you grieve the loss of the love and affection coming or going but you dislike the person you discovered. Heart strings tugged.

To help with the grief and overcoming feelings so you can move on, there is not a lot of answers but one in particular is worth thinking about and that is purely based on positive thoughts. For example

• "I was with him for 13 months... so lucky it wasnt 13 years, imagine those poor souls"
• "He womanised and breached trust, that was not my fault as I was monogamous"
• "Even if he was honest and open and told me at least we could have worked something out"

The question you asked "which one do I grieve for first?" IMO always grieve for the love lost, that side of the man you loved and try not to waver from that. Your realisation of his betrayal isnt the part you loved about him so whatever reason he swayed in your relationship is the side you didnt love so grief for that side isnt really cause for concern.

As for taking a first step towards a new happier life when you are ready, I've always relied on 2 things- distraction and variety. The following link explains that and other things.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

Writing- For me I write poetry. here is an example of how I channelled my grief.

DAD’S WRINKLES

Soon it became obvious

As my ol’ man came of age

That the strain of life itself

Did complete another page

And as his ‘book’ filled up

To approach the final scene

I knew each wrinkle on his face

And which one came from me

And as I read the last line

Of the chapter not complete

It tells of his twilight years

That he knew he’d never meet

Dad was never scared to die

He faced it brave and strong

And I knew each wrinkle on his face

And where they did come from….

TonyWK

And this one helped me through the tough times. Maharaji is a guru that is full of wisdom. There's suggestions to links in the post

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/meditation-words-of-wisdom-it-helped-me-for-25-year...

I particular "All is Well" and "Sunset" (a wonderful clip for prior to sleeping). Google putting Maharaji Prem Rawat in front of those words.

I hope that helps. You might get others chipping in to assist. Take care

TonyWK

[sbella02]

Eenah,

Thank you so much for opening up to us here, there is strength in your vulnerability. Welcome to the forums, hopefully you can find some comfort here.

While somebody's passing doesn't necessarily absolve them of responsibility for things that they have done to harm you, it can complicate the grieving process significantly. On the one hand, you've lost somebody you loved. On the other hand, you are now processing the realisation that this person was unfaithful to you.

You're allowed to grieve this person's passing even though you've been hurt by them. You're also allowed to hate them and feel devastated that they have hurt you. 

One way of dealing with grief in a way that is healthy is working with the strongest feeling first. May I ask what your strongest feeling is at the moment? Or does it change? 

If you find that it changes, work with what you're feeling right now. Sadness, betrayal, anger, even relief, guilt. If you're sad, you may find it helpful to cry, or get advice from another loved one, or chat to somebody, or go out and be in others' company.

If you're betrayed or angry, you may find other things useful to express that feeling - sometimes exercise can be powerful for this, or writing a letter that is never intended to be sent but is addressed to the person and lets out everything you're feeling towards them. You can always rip it up later, or keep it in a safe place to read through when you're feeling like it.

For those feelings of relief which are often accompanied by guilt, just keep in mind that you are allowed to feel relieved that they can no longer hurt you, even if the feeling of being hurt remains, and that their absence does not excuse their actions. You can still be devastated at the same time; in fact, you can be feeling multiple things simultaneously with complicated grief, that's very normal.

I hope this can resonate with you in some way. Feel free to keep chatting, we're here to support you in this difficult time.

All the best, SB