Grief and loneliness

jdee · ‎20-09-2015

I lost my sister - my best friend - about 2 and a half years ago. About three months ago my boyfriend left me, in many ways related to my inability to move past my grief but for other reasons as well. I have been prone to depression on and off throughout my life, but when I have been at my lowest over the past few years, he was my rock, my saviour, the one who understood and knew what to say and do.

I am trying to get on with things, I am trying to focus on myself and the things that bring me joy but I find that there are so few of these things these days.

The worst for me right now is the loneliness. Without my sister and through my grief, my relationships have all changed, with my friends, with her friends. Some of them can't handle who I am now, the new less fun, more sad version of me. Some of them have moved on and made families in the period that I was focused on my sister's health, then my relationship and now my own wellbeing. Some are just harder to be around; our values and views are different. The things that I used to enjoy doing are more difficult to do now and I have less people to do them with.

I feel like what I need is to find people who can relate to me, where I don't feel pressure to be happy and fun all the time. People who understand what it's like and accept me for who I am now. Are there groups like this? Two years ago I didn't think I would benefit from this kind of support, but now I think I would. I just need more supportive friends around me and I don't know where to look. I don't know how it got to this point for me, how I have gone from having so many friends to being so alone. I guess what I need from my friends has changed and what I am able to offer seems less than it was. Does anyone else know where to look?

White_Rose · ‎23-09-2015

Dear Jdee

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. You sound stuck in your grief for your sister and that is not a good place to be. I would suggest that before you start looking for friends, you resolve your grief. Have a chat with your GP about seeing a counsellor. My sister died ten years ago and I still miss her. It's not easy because everything reminds you of the good times you had together, the sense of humour and shared jokes and most of all the feeling of connectedness.

There is no need to forget these things and in fact it's good to remember them but as the past. Accepting the loss of a loved person is so hard. Both of my parents are gone and my sister. I am also separated from my husband. I have felt the dreadful emptiness you are experiencing and wondered if my life will ever get better.

It will get better if you start to take some positive steps. Talk to your GP and/or counsellor. Our pain does affect our relationships which is a great shame. We can hide our pain and pretend everything is OK but that does not work well in the long run.

One of my tips is to do something for others. Is there an organisation near you where you could volunteer some of your time? Animal shelter, school, retirement home, coaching or managing a sports group, being a member of an environmental group, joining a Toastmasters or Focus group, drama group. The list can go on. Being part of a group can offer great support without the need for you tell anyone of your bereavement. Putting your energy into a new environment can help your grief to settle down.

I hope you will continue to write in here and tell us more about yourself.

Mary

saturnzoon · ‎03-10-2015

I had a loss in the early hours of the morning my ex father in law had a heart attack ambulance came but he never made it to the hospital alive, even though I'm separated from my ex his father was a very kind and caring spirit, he helped a lot of people and volunteered whenever he was asked, but my ex's family hate me for splitting up with him so I'm never welcome near any of them.

I did post my condolences on Facebook, just because they hated me I still needed to let him know that I cared, he is with God now, unfortunately it made me think of my father who died a couple of years ago because of surgery gone wrong and my daughter who has always been here for me and was my rock no longer lives with me she left interstate in June so I have no supports around anymore, I had been given a worker over a month ago but have seen her once and she has rung once, I had contacted the office a few times asking them to get her to ring me but still nothing and I'm not the type of person that can make myself heard slit seems that they just don't care and need to come on hear and read and relate to all our friends through this sight.

saturnzoon · ‎03-10-2015

I am so angry with myself because I just did a reply on this issue and for some reason it disappeared and I don't remember how I put it after loosing someone early this morning and I can't redo it, I need to try and calm down now cause I just feel like taking meds now.

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