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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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Scaredstiff What will become of me?
  • replies: 3

I must have walked under a ladder with a black cat on Friday the 13th. Since 2007 my life has been one setback after another. My sister-in-law passed away from cancer early that year at the young age of 51. Later that year, my husband and I separated... View more

I must have walked under a ladder with a black cat on Friday the 13th. Since 2007 my life has been one setback after another. My sister-in-law passed away from cancer early that year at the young age of 51. Later that year, my husband and I separated after 35 years together. We had grown apart and no longer made each other happy. I retained the marital home in our financial settlement. Our separation was very amicable and we remained good friends. I continued to work four days a week until in 2008 a change in administration had me answerable to the supervisor from hell. She made my life miserable in a job I had held happily and successfully for 17 years. I tried to battle through this but it was soul-destroying. In 2009 my son went on an extended overseas holiday and he is now a resident of Canada. I miss him terribly. In 2010 my husband announced that he had a new 'companion'. This news was hard for me to hear, but I knew one of us would eventually move on. He went overseas with her and on his return, told me that he was having some health issues. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer and passed away in early 2012. He left his estate to our children. I was not a beneficiary. Later that year, my working life had become intolerable. I walked out and ended up in a doctor's office shaking with anxiety. I was granted sick leave which then extended into leave without pay until I was forced to relinquish my position at the end of 2014. Since then I have been doing a little casual work and with my savings dwindling, have resorted to Centrelink for help. At the age of 61 - 5 1/2 years too young for the aged pension, I am now on New Start allowance and am looking for work. The problem is, I am so depressed about my situation that I don't even want to get out of bed! I do not want to burden my family with my problems. I am embarrassed and ashamed that my life has come to this. To top it all off, I have now discovered that I have termites in my house which is my only asset. I know there are people out there who are worse off than me but I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I just wish the Earth would swallow me up. I adore my two children and don't want to cause them any pain....they are the only bright light in my life. Please help me!!! How can I rise above this????? beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Cymru grief and hatred
  • replies: 9

My son took his own life not long after the New Year. He was 22 years of age. As a child he was diagnosed as having ADHD and later this was clarified as Asperger's syndrome. He was to experience learning difficulties, his parents’ divorce, his mother... View more

My son took his own life not long after the New Year. He was 22 years of age. As a child he was diagnosed as having ADHD and later this was clarified as Asperger's syndrome. He was to experience learning difficulties, his parents’ divorce, his mother dying much too soon, having to take what work might be offered and various tribulations of life. As you can imagine I miss his more than be imagined. I have other children whom I need to be available for. My friends and partner, and my own medical professionals have sought to help me. I take each day as it comes, but with each day the realisation that my son is gone. This is not what I want to talk about. But the context. What keeps distressing me is every time I see some article in the newspaper or professional journal asserting that suicide among young people is getting worse. Only this week, I felt anger when I heard a welfare professional on the radio claim that young people were more likely to kill themselves than die in a car crash. I wanted to yell at them that there has been a fantastic improvement in reducing suicides, but even more dramatically reduction in road fatalities. My partner thinks this anger is just my sense of grief. My doctor nods wisely advising that we know folk twist things to get media attention. I’m still left with my anger. I have told my doctor that I was responsible for keeping my son safe. My doctor at least offers I would feel like that, instead of most folk lamely say I did the best I could. Even if I did, he is still dead. My son sought medical advice on his own initiative about the increased anxiety he was experiencing. He took the prescription medication he was prescribed. I had accompanied him to see a clinical psychologist and did not miss any appointments. I’d helped to arrive had also enrolled in a TAFE course. Spent increasing time with him, listened, reassured, tried to get him to come out places. He’d sometimes come to my partners for dinner, to the cinema, cooked together, but other times said he was tired and just wanted to stay home. It still wasn’t enough. But it is people who know better lying about statistics that angers me. I can’t change this. I hate those who tried to big note themselves by making a horrible situation worse. I really hate them! I miss my son. I want him back.

H1993 Miss you everyday Dad
  • replies: 4

I lost my father three months ago, he was diagnosed with bone, lung and liver cancer in December 2014. It was so unexpected to hear he was so unwell and it was so serious. I was away on holidays when he was diagnosed and given only two months left on... View more

I lost my father three months ago, he was diagnosed with bone, lung and liver cancer in December 2014. It was so unexpected to hear he was so unwell and it was so serious. I was away on holidays when he was diagnosed and given only two months left on this earth. He made my family promise not to say anything to me until I got home. This was the first news I heard when I came home, my dad was in hospital from the unbearable pain. I didn't know how to cope with the news and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. We brought dad home from hospital and got to spend my brother's birthday, Christmas, New Years and Australia Day as a family. These were the moments we all cherished and held onto so tightly. The two months we got were so full of life, dad always stayed positive and tried to make everyone laugh on a daily basis. Dad became more and more ill and eventually had to be admitted to hospital for pain management. On the day he passed we were expecting to bring him back home and he was so excited to be coming home. This was such a big shock for everyone as he was so bright the day before. I spent almost the entire day by his bedside and didn't want to leave him. It's been three long painful months and I still miss him everyday and expect him to walk through the door with a big smile on his face. It's been so difficult trying to deal with the grief and be able to talk about how I feel. I'm also at university in my third year of studies and my focus this semester is completely gone. I feel upset everyday and don't know what to do? I love and miss my dad so much! I'm only 21, he is going to miss out in so many life events

Rosie49 Hi Pete in Heaven
  • replies: 3

We all missed you today at your nephew's Naming Day. But you live on in Deb, Dean, Shan, Kiesh and Zay. I hate when people think I should be "over it" . I will never be "over" losing you. I just have to try to learn to live without you in my life, af... View more

We all missed you today at your nephew's Naming Day. But you live on in Deb, Dean, Shan, Kiesh and Zay. I hate when people think I should be "over it" . I will never be "over" losing you. I just have to try to learn to live without you in my life, after 20 wonderful years. . 16 months on and I'm slowly getting there, but it still sucks. I love you and miss you like crazy Pete. You were too young to die. You are "Always on my Mind". Love you mate, Ciao for now. No need to respond. Just needed to express how much my soul mate is loved and missed. Love you Pete. xxx

sarez I hate this. Why does this happen?
  • replies: 2

Hello, In 2012, I lost my Mum a week before school started to liver failure. I did not know what to do, I felt so overwhelmed and I did not want to go to school, however my Dad thought the support there would be good so I went. A month later, my good... View more

Hello, In 2012, I lost my Mum a week before school started to liver failure. I did not know what to do, I felt so overwhelmed and I did not want to go to school, however my Dad thought the support there would be good so I went. A month later, my good friend was in a terrible car accident and passed away. I couldn't go to school anymore. The thought of him not being in the classroom shattered me. I got really sick with anxiety and depression and didn't go to school much. Later that year my Grandpa passed away of a heart attack. I started to get better, things were starting to get on track. However at the end of last year, my step grandpa who had been my swimming coach for nine years passed away. I am lost. I do not know what to do. I hate these feelings I have and I cannot let go of them. I miss them so much. Why does death take away the most beautiful people? They didn't need to die yet, they had so much more time to live. I don't understand. I hate getting close to people now, I am afraid they too will disappear on me. I miss them so much.

Trying_to_sort_it_out Confusing grief with relationship stress?
  • replies: 3

I lost my last remaining close family member almost a year ago. She was my rock, who loved me for everything that I was and everything that I wasn't, truly unconditional love. This has obviously been a massive jolt to my system, especially as I am th... View more

I lost my last remaining close family member almost a year ago. She was my rock, who loved me for everything that I was and everything that I wasn't, truly unconditional love. This has obviously been a massive jolt to my system, especially as I am the kind of person who people would not necessarily believe would suffer from a lack of self-esteem; I am outgoing, play lots of sports and have a job which requires me to be 'forthright'. However, lack of self-esteem I do sometimes have, and like all of those types of things, this is worse when I am under stress, tired, etc. To lose her lost me my final back-stop, the one person who had known me all my life and loved me without reserve. I have friends, one of whom is amazing at putting things into perspective but she lives in the UK, has a family and with time-zone differences, I don't like to bother her too much. I have a couple of good friends here but they have busy lives also and I don't want to 'use-up' all their time. I started my first same-sex relationship a few days before Wendy died (my first relationship in 15 years) and it has not been smooth sailing. She is a great person but we are very different and i can't tell if some of the problems between us are caused by my grief, by the differences between us or other factors. I am afraid that I am staying in a relationship I am not suited to in order to have someone there, to compensate for my loss and am willing to put up with a damaging relationship to not be completely alone. In the same vein but opposite side, I am afraid to let it go as we still seem to have something special but are having what are normal relationship difficulties but i can't deal with them because I a) haven't ever really been in a 'proper' relationship and b) I'm a bit all over the place with grief. I can't deny that we are very different, she is very scientific in her thinking and American and I am more spiritual, a feeling person and english by birth. But I am very scared of losing something special that just needs a bit of work and suffered from the trauma of my loss but at the same time I am also worried that my grief is being made worse by my possibly staying in a relationship that isn't good for me and is making my emotional instability worse; I really am in a quandry and trying to work it all out. Thanks for this forum, it has helped just to 'say it out loud' so to speak.

JesseKat Doesn't EXIST - no grave or marker for my baby twin brother
  • replies: 2

I've always known I was one of twins. My wee brother John died 24 hours old. My Dad was the only one to see him. We were born 12 weeks prem. There is no grave or marker for John. My Dad said he went up in smoke like comes out of a chimney. I've now f... View more

I've always known I was one of twins. My wee brother John died 24 hours old. My Dad was the only one to see him. We were born 12 weeks prem. There is no grave or marker for John. My Dad said he went up in smoke like comes out of a chimney. I've now found out theres no record for him either. No stillborn record looked. No birth certificate record looked. No death certificate record looked. My wee twin John who is part of me , been part of me all my life, who has lived with me. Never recorded? Is there no official paperwork for wee John. Are we the family the only ones who know. So that when we all die no one will know he was. I have no one to ask my parents are now dead . Him and I against the world and against and for each other. Funny but he and I have had a love and hate relationship all along. He's me and I'm him.

Minimoo Grief and moving forward
  • replies: 3

My fiancée passed away unexpectedly a year ago... I am now struggling with having a purpose - I feel like the life I wanted and all our dreams disappeared with my love. Whilst I have friends and family around I am desperately lonely and can't really ... View more

My fiancée passed away unexpectedly a year ago... I am now struggling with having a purpose - I feel like the life I wanted and all our dreams disappeared with my love. Whilst I have friends and family around I am desperately lonely and can't really see a purpose anymore. I just feel lost - how do I pull myself back into life? Everything seems overwhelming and small tasks seem too big to tackle. Anyone who has been in a similar situation I would love to hear your advice.

Neil_1 Six months today :( :(
  • replies: 4

Ok, so I was wrong. I was posting to another member the other day (it could well have been Alan) and saying that my Mum sadly left this world on 14th October 2014 and that next week (ie: today) will be 6 months to the exact day. I said that I would b... View more

Ok, so I was wrong. I was posting to another member the other day (it could well have been Alan) and saying that my Mum sadly left this world on 14th October 2014 and that next week (ie: today) will be 6 months to the exact day. I said that I would be no sadder on that day than I've been already. But I was wrong. I'm down, well I have been for a fair while now, but I'm down and it feels like the black dog has got hob-nailed boots on all four paws and he's booting me. It'll pass I guess, but at the moment, things ain't good. I try and focus on the good times, but for me, that doesn't work just yet. Way too early.

KP_2014 My Dad
  • replies: 11

I lost my dad 18 November 2014. I have hurt every day since. 31, daddy's girl, married - facing losing my husband because of my grief. I can't even see that it's that bad, yeah I'm sad and just going say to day, but I can't even see the hurt I'm caus... View more

I lost my dad 18 November 2014. I have hurt every day since. 31, daddy's girl, married - facing losing my husband because of my grief. I can't even see that it's that bad, yeah I'm sad and just going say to day, but I can't even see the hurt I'm causing around me, or the spark that has gone from within myself. i get upset, I get angry, it's unfair, I feel like lying in bed all day, I want to be alone... All of these things I think and feel. I have been told theres a two month waiting list for counselling in my area - great! I feel like I'm about to lose everything.... I supported my husband when he fell apart after dads death (anxiety and depression are his demons). So why am I left with the "to do" list?! rant over - any and all advice welcome.