Confusing grief with relationship stress?

[Trying_to_sort_it_out]

I lost my last remaining close family member almost a year ago. She was my rock, who loved me for everything that I was and everything that I wasn't, truly unconditional love. This has obviously been a massive jolt to my system, especially as I am the kind of person who people would not necessarily believe would suffer from a lack of self-esteem; I am outgoing, play lots of sports and have a job which requires me to be 'forthright'. However, lack of self-esteem I do sometimes have, and like all of those types of things, this is worse when I am under stress, tired, etc. To lose her lost me my final back-stop, the one person who had known me all my life and loved me without reserve.

I have friends, one of whom is amazing at putting things into perspective but she lives in the UK, has a family and with time-zone differences, I don't like to bother her too much. I have a couple of good friends here but they have busy lives also and I don't want to 'use-up' all their time.

I started my first same-sex relationship a few days before Wendy died (my first relationship in 15 years) and it has not been smooth sailing. She is a great person but we are very different and i can't tell if some of the problems between us are caused by my grief, by the differences between us or other factors.

I am afraid that I am staying in a relationship I am not suited to in order to have someone there, to compensate for my loss and am willing to put up with a damaging relationship to not be completely alone.

In the same vein but opposite side, I am afraid to let it go as we still seem to have something  special but are having what are normal relationship difficulties but i can't deal with them because I a) haven't ever really been in a 'proper' relationship and b) I'm a bit all over the place with grief.

I can't deny that we are very different, she is very scientific in her thinking and American and I am more spiritual, a feeling person and english by birth. But I am very scared of losing something special that just needs a bit of work and suffered from the trauma of my loss but at the same time I am also worried that my grief is being made worse by my possibly staying in a relationship that isn't good for me and is making my emotional instability worse; I really am in a quandry and trying to work it all out.

Thanks for this forum, it has helped just to 'say it out loud' so to speak.

[Jacko777]

Hi TTSIT,

Welcome to the BB forums, I am glad you have posted. You have done well to explain your situation and yes, it does help just to let it out.

Have you thought of or had any counseling? I reckon that could help you a lot right now, to get a professionals view of your level of grief and the issues in your relationship. There are some paths you can take right here on BB, phone service, web chat and lots of resources.

Your friends would want to be there for you in the tough times, they will let you know if they pushed for time.

Obviously it will be good for you when you separate these issues in your mind. I have also lost loved ones and I have grown to be less upset about it and I know you can too. Losing loved ones and dealing with grief has taken me on a journey to new levels of happiness that I had not thought possible. From a purely spiritual level I look at it this way; When I think of someone with love I am sending energy to them across the cosmos. When I miss someone or dislike someone I am drawing on their energy. So of course I make the choice to send love. Your loved ones are still in your heart, part of your soul, they live on in you. So, I don't miss my lost loved ones, I love them.

Most relationships, as you know, take some work. You will be able to roll with the challenges once you isolate your different feelings. Love to you.

Jacko

[Trying_to_sort_it_out]

Thanks you Jacko. I read this the day you postedbut waited till today to reply.

I had some counselling when she was sick, so as to enjoy the time with her better and shortly after she died but yes, maybe it is time for some more.

On another note, I have booked myself into a meditational retreat and I think the pure thinking time with no distractions will help me separate out the issues.

I am coming to the conclusion that just because the relationship is not what I thought it would be, if it was actually bad for me I would leave, i do tend to be that kind of person and so I am letting it sit and see where it leads; different doesn't necessarily mean wrong 🙂

Thanks for your time, much appreciated.

[Jacko777]

Good to hear from you TTSIT,

The meditation retreat sounds good, not only for pure thinking time but also for training your mind to help with sharpening your focus on the positive. I think of my mind as a curtain in front of my spirit or self, the fears and doubts in my mind are peeled back to reveal my true spirit, which is the energy of love.

I agree, if your relationship was bad enough you would leave, you obviously know your limits. When you say you are 'letting it sit', I know what you mean, and we both know that all relationships take work, I am yet to see a perfect relationship. Be proactive and lead the way to new levels of communication, intimacy and above all, fun!

I hope you might share your thoughts after the meditation retreat, all the best.

Jacko