I hate this. Why does this happen?

[sarez]

Hello,

In 2012, I lost my Mum a week before school started to liver failure. I did not know what to do, I felt so overwhelmed and I did not want to go to school, however my Dad thought the support there would be good so I went. A month later, my good friend was in a terrible car accident and passed away. I couldn't go to school anymore. The thought of him not being in the classroom shattered me. I got really sick with anxiety and depression and didn't go to school much. Later that year my Grandpa passed away of a heart attack. 

I started to get better, things were starting to get on track. However at the end of last year, my step grandpa who had been my swimming coach for nine years passed away.

I am lost. I do not know what to do. I hate these feelings I have and I cannot let go of them. I miss them so much. Why does death take away the most beautiful people? They didn't need to die yet, they had so much more time to live. I don't understand. I hate getting close to people now, I am afraid they too will disappear on me. 

I miss them so much. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Sarez

Welcome to Beyond Blue and let me say thank you for coming here and providing your post.

I would also like to express to you my sympathies for all the losses you’ve faced.

It’s a cruel and mongrel world at times – and it’s a weird and odd one at others;  I say the latter as I was listening to a radio show yesterday (just on my way to the gym) and one person said she received the most horrible phone call she’s ever received – someone phoned to say that her Nan took ill at a restaurant and was rushed to hospital.  All turned out fine, but she was beside herself with worry.

I’m sorry, but I look at that and almost laugh – because this person must have lived (so far) the most charmed life imaginable.

You’ve lost loved ones very close to you and so many more of us are in similar situations and it hurts and it hurts massively.  Billy Joel had a song back in the early 80’s perhaps or late 70’s – “Only the good die young” and yep that can be called out as being pretty true.   But that does little to ease our grief and our missing of them.

Do you have any other siblings to fall back on?   Or your Dad?   Possible close friends?   These can all be sources of support;   but also, I’m just wondering if you’ve sought out any counselling at all to help you get through this current phase and to put different methods of self help in place for yourself as well.   Being able to discuss and talk about these issues can be very helpful – it won’t take away the pain, but in time, it can make it more bearable.

There’s also a good thread to read in this Grief area that Alan created (My Mother Passed away on the 26 Sept) – it has a number of posts linked against it now.  There’s some excellent postings in that about the grief process and how it is for us to try and continue on.  Because we simply must Sarez – we simply must.

Stay with us here and I would love to hear from you again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jacko777]

Hi Sarez,

How are you going? I was pretty sad to read your post, you are having a hard time and I know with the right advice and support you can make this better. Have you been to a counselor or such? It would help you a lot to have a professional guide you through the steps you need to take.

I don't think any of us are equipped to deal with death, it is a subject most of us learn to stay away from. So when a loved one passes it is highly stressful and hard to comprehend. 

It takes time to grieve, I found it to be a physical thing, it flows from me no matter how I try to control it with my mind. I lost my mum when I was very young, long story, I grieved for way too long and couldn't make sense of it. I developed other types of mental issues that weren't addressed and I fell into depression. Had I had help early I could have enjoyed a few decades a lot more.

I believe that your lost loved ones live on in your heart, you take them with you wherever you go. They would not want you to suffer because of their passing, they would want the greatest amount of happiness possible for you. With them in your heart you could go forward into the future to honor them, by being the best you can be. Sorry but, you cannot control what has happened, you can only control how you respond to it. I don't miss my mum (much), I love her. I think of her with love, i send loving energy out to her spirit wherever it might be.

I would be sad if you avoid making new loving relationships, you deserved to be loved and you will gain much by loving others. The joy and challenge of loving someone far outweighs the risk of losing them. Love to you.

Jacko