Immediate support
Immediate support

Grief and loss

Support and advice following the loss of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

Start a discussion

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

View the FAQ

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

View the guidelines
Jump to
Start a discussion

Pinned discussions

Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

All discussions

Start a discussion

gail61 what to do next
  • replies: 0

when a relationship breaks up cos of his family's abuse and they wont tell u what u did wrong they say i should know me x says i did nothing cos he was with me when i saw them i left cos i nearly died as it got too much the laugh at me and spread so ... View more

when a relationship breaks up cos of his family's abuse and they wont tell u what u did wrong they say i should know me x says i did nothing cos he was with me when i saw them i left cos i nearly died as it got too much the laugh at me and spread so many false words around towni live in a very small town it was so hard to see people cos they did not talk to me anymore just whispered he stood up for me but it got too much his health suffered so i left how do u stop crying what do i do next

RLKKBAB Where do I go from here?
  • replies: 1

It has been 14 months since my dear father committed suicide. We were so close and I had managed to stop a previous attempt 10 years ago.....if I only picked up the signs this time. He may still be here. He battled depression for years but still mana... View more

It has been 14 months since my dear father committed suicide. We were so close and I had managed to stop a previous attempt 10 years ago.....if I only picked up the signs this time. He may still be here. He battled depression for years but still managed to be the strength of the family....our rock, the one we went to for advise. I have some comfort knowing that this is definatley what he wanted, he left videos and letters behind explaining his actions....he was so calm and it was so very well planned. He had even opened all the locks to to many tool boxes so we would know what key belongs where.Whatkills me inside is that he died alone, without me or anyone there to hold his hand. There was no turning back for him and he wanted this and his videos and letters reinforced this. He wasnt sad in the video and the letters were very clear. We have abided by each of his wishes.What I am really having trouble coping with is the fact that life goes on.....how can it? My father who was my idol, bestfriend and mate chose to leave us! Chose to leave his grandchildren who were his absolute world.....I talk about him all the time, but I feel like no one is listening, I am having nightmares from the day he passed, I am moody, cant concentrate, cant see the positives in life anymore. Sometimes I think if it wasnt for my kids I would have followed in dad's foot steps.I was always a positive person, outgoing and confident....I feel that has gone now. A huge part of me went with dad that day and I dont think I will ever be the same.My family tell me to get help.....where do I go? I have 4 children, work full time and money is tight in our house hold. I always thought in my head - after the 1 year anniversary I would magically get better......I was wrong.....I am now worse and having bad thoughts myself......if it wasnt for my beautiful children who knows......it scares me because I know dad loved us beyond words and he did it......does this mean I am at risk?

DebZzZ challenges ive faced
  • replies: 11

Growing up I always had problems in school I was bullied,when I graduated high school I mixed with the wrong crowd and went down a destructive path It started when I was 17 fresh out of school nothing to do I reconnected with people I grew up with fo... View more

Growing up I always had problems in school I was bullied,when I graduated high school I mixed with the wrong crowd and went down a destructive path It started when I was 17 fresh out of school nothing to do I reconnected with people I grew up with found new friends went out.. I was abused on my 18th birthday at the time I had no idea about sex or abuse or anything and I stayed with the guy- he was abusive to me and I kept going back to him until people told me to stop and so I did.little did I know he had been telling people about me and WAS MARRIED , me being immature not understanding what was going on started talking to the guys even meeting up with some of them I had no idea what I was doing I was unintentionally being promiscuous they were telling me what I wanted to hear, giving me drugs and alcohol and doing what they wanted to me was normal to me, it was when I started hearing rumours that I started to realise what was happening.I decided to stop everything and when I did I was stalked and I was abused again a few times. it was horrible I had changed my number over 30+ times that year and someone just kept giving it out along with my picture, by this stage I had gained some strength and determined to put a stop to all this I confronted my so-called friends who told me that my so called guy friend was the one behind it(THE ONLY ONE I COULD TRUST) things got ugly everyone in my community and culture was talking about me making fun of me staring at me harassing me stalking me, everywhere I went was hell or me. I was constantly crying I had lost all my friends people were telling people not to talk to me it was pure hell.I eventually confronted HIM and the truth came pouring out from everywhere. so me and my brother decided to do this all back to him. we succeeded and eventually things stopped, most of my friends had came back to me but things were not the same anymore they were embarrassed to be around me .I stopped contact with the guys but kept talking to my guy friend STUPID ME! It was then i realised i needed mental help i went to a psychiatrist who made fun of me and said i didn't need him. my GP at the time told me that i should be working and not faking my depression and put me on antidepressants and said to me go home.I had no one i was completely down an out, at this point and no one cared AT ALL except for the people at my job network. i dealt with my pain by using drugs, alcohol and eatingI had a massive fight with my guy friend and it was horrible, he ended up apologizing to me and i had thought he had changed boy was i wrong.A week later he asked me out and i said yes everything was good i was extremely happy but i had a guilty conscience it was around this time i had stopped doing everything the drugs stealing fighting everything, anyways i told him what me and my brother had done to him and that's when things got a lot worse.we had a MASSIVE fight it was ugly.. and my so called friends betrayed me it the worst possible way ever i was just torn. i ended up calling the police thanks to his ex gf who was on my side. i decided not to get a restraining order as my dad works within the community in which he is from. and told my dad some of the story not all of it.it got better in time people apologized and people fought with us it was horrible and ok at the same time. things improved when i cut all ties with those nasty people, most of them apologized and every single one of them cant stand to look me in the eyes and still avoid me 5 years on.it was now 2010 and my mental health had improved i had changed my doctor and was put on anti-depressants, things got better. i had stopped taking my anti depressants in 2011 and had improved a lot and finished my counselling.i had been happy very happy up until i found out one of the guys from my past had died from suicide i still to this day am shocked because of the way things ended with us.its only now i realised he cared he truly cared and how lonely he was i unintentionally broke his heart and in the end he broke mine.on the day of his death i had a dream we were sitting in a park and he was apologizing to me for everything and telling me he will always be with me and in my dream i hugged him. 2 weeks later i got the news and everything thing i heard and saw in the dream was exactly what happened. he is now my guardian angel we have forgiven each other.i met a amazing man who ended up leaving me without a word heartbroken i then had relapsed.its now 2014 and on my birthday i was heartbroken again, had a depressive episode and got to a very darm place. i am now on antidepressants and am in counselling and getting treatment for major depressive disorder. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Nickname_8BA29DDD-0F29-41 I just wanted him to leave us alone, not for him to die.
  • replies: 3

My husband and the father of my two kids was an alcoholic with mental health issues. He had Narcism Personality Disorder and depression/ anxiety. When he was sober, he could be very caring and sweet and charismatic. When he drank, he was abusive, bot... View more

My husband and the father of my two kids was an alcoholic with mental health issues. He had Narcism Personality Disorder and depression/ anxiety. When he was sober, he could be very caring and sweet and charismatic. When he drank, he was abusive, both physically and mentally. Despite this, I loved him (well, at least his good side). It took me two years of pleading, cajoling, crying, fighting and negotiation to try to get him to do something about it. You see, he didn't think he had a problem. He thought everyone else was the problem. In the end, I realised I couldn't change him unless he wanted to change himself. I asked him to leave after he was abusive to our 4 year old and putting them at risk. He threatened to commit suicide on numerous occasions when we fought.We had been living separately for about four months but still catching up regularly so that we could chat and he could see our kids- they are three and four years old. Three weeks ago, after going on a drinking binge, he was found dead in his serviced apartment. It may have been a heart attack. It may have been a suicide attempt. The coroners report comes out in about 6 weeks time. I just don't know. I do know that I feel very confused by what has happened. I married a gorgeous man and wanted to grow old with him. I didn't marry the person he turned into who abused his kids and held us to ransom emotionally. I feel sad that I couldn't save him. i feel guilty that I didnt ring him on the night that he died. i feel guilty that i didnt make the kids talk to him. At the same time, at least we are now safe. I just wanted him to leave us alone, not for him to die.

Meegy Family. You can't choose them.
  • replies: 1

When I was 16, almost 17, I moved out of home, because I had a disagreement with my family, they stopped talking to me for almost a year, I moved in with my ex, after living with him and his family for almost a year I decided that it wasn't working a... View more

When I was 16, almost 17, I moved out of home, because I had a disagreement with my family, they stopped talking to me for almost a year, I moved in with my ex, after living with him and his family for almost a year I decided that it wasn't working anymore and decided to move in with my Nan and Pop. Then my parents started talking to me again. I then found the love of my life, and after dating 6 months I moved in with him and his family. My family still talked to me, then after my partner and I had been together for about 2 years, my Mum had a falling out with my partners family, because she doesn't think before she speaks, and she insulted my father in law, and didn't apologise or anything, and I told her that she offended him, and all I got was I don't care from her, then she stopped talking to me, then I found out I was pregnant with my first child, and I told them, they started talking to me again, but never visited me. My partners family wanted to move to NSW from Tasmania, as they have family in NSW, and I loved him, so I decided to go with him, plus I was also having his child, every child needs their father, we decided though to move when our child was about 3 months old, when I told them, they started visiting me, this was only once or twice though, then I gave birth to my daughter, my first born, their first grandchild, and they only visited me in hospital. I was emotionally depressed because of this, I used to cry all the time,I always tried to think about what I had done wrong, but I hadn't done anything, so my partner decided to take matter into his own hands, and remind them that we were moving in a couple of months, they came over a couple more times after that to visit me and my daughter. During that short time though, my Mum had again offended my Father in law, so again I told her, but we were moving anyway so she didn't really care. We moved to NSW and my family kept in contact with me for a little while, then they stopped. After a couple of months they got back in contact but only because I owed them some money, which I was behind on (they got a loan out for me, and not paying it was the only way they would talk to me). So for a couple of weeks it was all good. my daughter had her first Christmas (they sent presents up for that and only a text message from them), then her first birthday came along (nothing, no call, no text and no presents), straight after her birthday we moved, then my partner and I decided to get married, now I understand that asking someone if they can come from Tasmania to a NSW Wedding is a big ask, but my sister agreed to it, said she had bought her tickets, had got time off work and everything, she was going to be my bridesmaid, my only bridesmaid. I didn't even have a back up because she said it was a definite. I spent almost $500 on a dress, jewellery and a present for her, then 1 to 2 weeks before my wedding I get a Facebook message from my sister apologising, saying that she can't come to my wedding because she can't get time off work, I believed her, and tried to find a replacement, but no luck at all, as I still hadn't made any friends, so my daughter became my bridesmaid. I had spoken to my Mum a couple of days before because I was behind again, but I explained to her because my sister couldn't be here, I had to go and find some clothes for my 1 year old daughter to wear as my bridesmaid. The night before the wedding I couldn't sleep I got up and checked Facebook, turns out my sister did come to NSW after all she was in Canberra. So I sent her a message, and then she went on, saying how because my husband knew some bikies that she was going to get arrested when she went back to Tasmania, like our friends that rode bikes was going to make her take drugs home or something. My husband sent her a message (I read it as it was my Facebook), saying that she had ruined my day, and how she was meant to be family and be here for me, not lie to me. My husband and I got married, I waited a week to hear anything from my parents, nothing, not one peep, not even a have a good day on my wedding day, no good luck, nothing whatsoever, no congratulations afterwards, not even one like on a photo on Facebook. Nothing from any of my family, none of the uncles and aunts I had on Facebook congratulated me, not even my brother or sister did. So I did the only thing I could so that I would stop looking at their profile, which upset, I deleted them, I deleted their phone numbers, everything about them has gone, this has made me a little happier, what affected me afterwards though, was when. I deleted them they had open profiles so you could see everything, and they didn't know why I deleted them, they complained about it on Facebook and said they did nothing wrong, but they all knew, every single one of my family members knew that my sister was meant to come to my wedding, and they all lied to me and then when I found out I'm made out to be the bad person.

Brokenandbruised Broken
  • replies: 1

I'm hoping someone can help me. I've always suffered from depression, but over the past few months it has become very severe. I don't work currently because my job was a contract position but has ended. I can't even think about looking for a new one ... View more

I'm hoping someone can help me. I've always suffered from depression, but over the past few months it has become very severe. I don't work currently because my job was a contract position but has ended. I can't even think about looking for a new one yet, because I'm extremely depressed and I am having suicidal thoughts. I know I'm experiencing a nervous breakdown. At the moment it seems like things are going from bad to worse. I ended a relationship about 8 months ago,but I recently texted him to ask him to pay back some money he owes me. He really went crazy, he was very angry and sent me abusive texts saying I wronged him so he's not going to pay me a cent. He said he despises me and wishes I would die. It made me very distressed.Also there's a guy I care about who I've not met in person. We talk on the phone. He's very ill right now, his kidneys are failing. We got back in contact recently. I've "known" him for 11 years. So at first it was great. We were completely at ease with each other like we used to be. We hadn't spoken before this for about 4 years mainly because I was in a relationship. He makes me laugh and he's always had a positive effect on me. He's encouraged me in the past to find work and improve my life. In the past we become very close. But as time went on it became more emotional at least for me. I developed strong feelings for him, and I think he did for me also. He told me a few times in the past that he loved me. And I certainly felt the same. So when we first spoke again.he tried to "chat" me up. I wanted to be friends again. So I resisted his advances on that call, but I told him to call back later that night. I guess I wanted to make him happy. And I felt that emotional connection again. But the problem was he didn't know that I've put on a lot of weight in the past few years. I showed him a photo in the past. He asked me to send another one of me now. So I did. Now I think I made a big mistake. The next day he called me and said "do you want to talk about the photo?" So he said that he'd noticed that I've "stacked" on the weight. I said yes I do eat for emotional reasons. He told me I should go to my doctor and do something about it. He said he was concerned for my health. But he also said because he is very sick, he can't take on or help other people with their problems. He told me he wanted me to lift my game and make progress with my issues. And he said if I haven't done that by the next time we speak he won't speak to me again because he hasn't got time to waste.He said he was going to hospital and would contact me once he got home. I left him some messages, as it was ver a week before I heard from him again. He said he didn't feel good and was going away for a few weeks to think about his life. He asked me not to text or call him as he won't be taking his phone and needs time alone. So now it's been over a week since he said this. I haven't contacted him, but I miss him so much. I can't help but think that now he knows my true weight that he's lost interest. But I know he is very ill. So maybe he was telling the truth and needs time alone. He did say during our last conversation that he wasn't sure what was going to happen between us. So maybe he needs time to think about how he feels about me. When we first spoke again after our break, one of the first things he asked me was did I have a boyfriend or was I married. Which I took to mean he was interested to know. But that was before he knew about my weight. So I guess I'd like some advice in general about my depression, I am thinking more about suicide. I just need to numb myself and stop this pain. It's not just because of this guy that I feel this way. But if he rejects me, it will kill me. Because I believe we could be good together. And I want to be there for him and give my love to him. Maybe love isn't for me. But why has he come back in my life. And if he'd going to disappear what was the point of that. I've loved this man for 11 years, I know that this might seem impossible as we haven't met in person yet, but I know we had a deep connection. We have a strong chemistry, which is more than sexual. Even if he just wants to be friends, I could live with that. I just will want to die even more if he doesn't want to be even friends. I might be reading things into what he said. Maybe he really just needs time to think. I would appreciate if anyone could offer their thoughts and advice. I really don't see the point of living, I just can't take the suffering anymore. I can't understand why for some people happiness comes easy. I will be waiting for some advice. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

guest75 I am so confused
  • replies: 4

This is the 3rd time i've posted this, i think the first time my session timed out before i posted but the 2nd time i got the message that it had gone through but its never showed up and that was over 2 days ago so apologies if it that one appears al... View more

This is the 3rd time i've posted this, i think the first time my session timed out before i posted but the 2nd time i got the message that it had gone through but its never showed up and that was over 2 days ago so apologies if it that one appears along with this one... Earlier last week Tara sent me quite a nasty email basically threatening my access to the kids because i took them out without my mother to a fun park when the "parenting agreement" stated i couldnt do that alone until May. It also stated I wouldnt be allowed to take them to the night procession of the easter fair on saturday night because it wasnt recorded in the mediation agreement even though we had discussed it and agreed on it. She also asked for Kate's mum's number to talk to as that was agreed in mediation she would talk to her before the kids stayed there... I didnt answer for 4 days and when i did i asked nicely to take them to the procession and told her there was no need to ring Kates mum as we were seperated and the kids would no longer be going there... her response has me totally confused She responsed saying that its fine i take them, and that if i needed any help in seeing the kids while my mum is overseas for 2 weeks to let her know and she would see what she could do to help me out...Why is she suddenly being so nice? Please dont judge me for this as i have already judged myself and am very angry at myself, but i've come to a realisation that i am still in love with Tara and would take her back given the chance despite everythign she has done to me....I think this is why it didnt work with kate, because she wasnt Tara... How dumb am i? seriously, i know its stupid of me, but i still want to be with her...Im a glutton for punishment

Harry1989 I need help to deal with and process these things that are haunting me.
  • replies: 22

I'll start from the start. I really need to get this out before it completely consumes me. My problems like most start with parents splitting up. Mine didn't have an amicable separation to say the least. My memories of that time were mum not at home,... View more

I'll start from the start. I really need to get this out before it completely consumes me. My problems like most start with parents splitting up. Mine didn't have an amicable separation to say the least. My memories of that time were mum not at home, dad supposedly in jail and not going to school. They both had problems with drinking and it led them to be violent to each other. I remember countless birthdays of mine ruined by arguments and fights. It got to the point where my father had attempted to kill my mother. I didn't know about this until years later because I was protected from what was going on because I was the youngest of 2 children. My older sister dealt with what was going on then - not to say it's any better that she had to witness it but she at least had the opportunity to come to terms with what had happened because of which. There were multiple years that this continued and I feel like I didn't have the support to really grow up. I feel like I havent had any positive role models. Following the separation of my parents my mother got with somebody else, my father decided to stop working and abandon the life he had in Sydney to move back to the country with his elderly parents. Even typing that out makes it sound ridiculous. He used multiple excuses to pretty much justify him not working, living with them and excessively drinking and having no contact or relationship with me or my sister. I had a very close relationship with my father for quite a while. I had moved down to the country with him at the time. Needless to say that his parents (my grandparents) didn't exactly get along with me that well. We always argued and I ended up leaving and coming back to Sydney. My mother was then (unknowing to me) pregnant with my half sister. I was excluded from the news and was pretty much the last person to find out due to my attachment with my father. I was just expected to be all fine with it - when at the point it was too far gone to hide it anymore. (baby bump) My mum had been with that guy for quite a long time. 13 years I believe. Now they've split up and it's deja vu. Mum is out all the time and is clearly out with someone else. I was lucky enough to have a supportive partner. She had pretty much come to live with me - because of my desire to spend time with her and the circumstances she was in she didn't have a place to stay for a little while. We discussed a future. We had made jokes about the things we would say to our kids. Our relationship was great and blissful. So much time together doing what we wanted to do. Things had been crappier than usual as of late. I've been really unmotivated and feeling down about everything. To the point that I don't really feel motivation to leave the house. Which is stupid of me to bring in to a relationship.. But I addressed that issue with her last week and I was trying my hardest to make a change. Then on saturday night when we got in to bed I asked her whats wrong with the intimacy in our relationship and it escalated in to being that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. I felt completely blind sided by this. I feel like I have been living a dream since then because none of it seems real. She told me she still loves me and I still love her but I can't continue to feel like this. I'm alone and I'm very afraid of it. I know people are supposed to be okay with being alone but I don't want to be. I don't want to dwell in my thoughts.

Eastendboy Over it
  • replies: 2

My son passed away in my arms. I got divorced. Diagnosed with manic depression. For me life sucks badly. I am finding it hard to cope. Finding it hard to survive. I feel sad and want to sleep forever. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often ... View more

My son passed away in my arms. I got divorced. Diagnosed with manic depression. For me life sucks badly. I am finding it hard to cope. Finding it hard to survive. I feel sad and want to sleep forever. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

EllieB85 lost..alone..need advice/a point in the right direction
  • replies: 2

Not sure if anyone will read this, but really don't know where else to turn for advice. I am a 28yr old mother to 1, and am about to embark on a very much unwanted separation from my fiance. After going through post natal depression and making it out... View more

Not sure if anyone will read this, but really don't know where else to turn for advice. I am a 28yr old mother to 1, and am about to embark on a very much unwanted separation from my fiance. After going through post natal depression and making it out on the other side, my fiance and I have come to the realisation that after all of my drama/anxiety/depression, we are no longer in love. Hence my next battle, I can feel myself slipping back down into that darkness, but with all of the other things I need to arrange, I dont have time to focus on that. Im sure others have been through a separation, but I dont know where to start. We have built a home which wont sell high enough to cover our loan, I wish I could stay in the house, but that is also unviable. My son starts school next year and I want him zoned for a certain school, but not knowing what my next step is, I cant enrol him anywhere. I work full time and require the support of my fiance, but he seems to have vacated the whole 'family' and doesnt care about anything. I am sure I need legal, financial, mental help.. but where do I start? Can anyone tell me that they did make it out on the other side of a similar situation? At the moment I feel like I am drowning and there is no light at the end of this extremely long tunnel. Thankyou in advance for any help