Grieving a parent

[Shan8]

I lost my dad three months ago, suddenly to a heart attack. He was 51, exercised 5 times a week, didn't smoke, didn't drink- he was riding his bike in a race, finished the race and collapsed just past the finish line. I never got to say goodbye and this is something I am struggling with every day. How do you deal when someone, a person you believed would be a solid part of your life and be present in all the important (and unimportant) parts of my life- he was meant to walk me down the aisle, be a pop to the children I would have, retire with my Mum when they were old and wrinkly and go on holidays with me. I feel so tired all the time, I know I am grieving, this is grief - this is life! But how does one simply pick up the pieces and move on with life? I am so angry that my Dad is missing out on all the things he wanted to do, we wanted to travel as a family, have a sea change, hold his grandson (my brothers baby) who will be born next month. 

I would like to know how others deal with this situation, I've read all the articles- meditation, counselling, healthy foods, find a hobby, exercise but I would like to read personal stories of people experiencing the sudden loss of someone they thought would be in their lives forever. 

[JessF]

Hello Shan, I have had the experience of losing close relatives young, one was sudden and without warning and the other was to cancer. Both were horrible in their own way, but if I were forced to choose, the sudden passing has left less of a mark on me. Losing an uncle to cancer and watching him waste away in those final weeks, with the knowledge of all the things we had promised to do together and would never do was absolutely heartbreaking. I imagined myself in his place and all the regrets that would be going through his mind. It still upsets me now to think of it.

While I did get to say goodbye to my uncle, I didn't get to say goodbye to my grand mother who died suddenly. She was taken ill one morning and went to hospital, but it seemed like a precaution. An hour later she was gone. I still remember my grandfather standing bewildered at home after we got the call saying, 'we didn't even have time to pack a bag'.  That moment still gets me even now.

What have I learned from all this? NOW is much more important to me. In every facet of my life.  Even if it's a friend who says that vague 'oh we must catch up' - I will make a date there and then. I put nothing off anymore. Because we just don't know what will happen.

There's an Abba song called Slipping Through My Fingers about a mother watching her daughter growing up, and in the middle of the song she asks what happened to all the places I planned for us to go, some we did but most we didn't, and I don't know why. That song always makes me cry, because there's nothing that hurts more than regrets for what could have been.

I don't know if any of this has helped you at all Shan, but we are here for you in your grief. We can never be sheltered from loss, it is a part of life, but we can resolve to make the most of who we still have around us and try to take nothing for granted.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Your dad sounds like a wonderful man who died doing something he absolutely loved.

[Neil_1]

Dear Shan

"THANK YOU" for reaching out to Beyond Blue and to come here and post.  I was going to say I can't imagine how you'd be feeling now, but I've got an idea.  I've lost my two best mates in my world - firstly my closest brother, in a drowning accident (I was with him and couldn't save him - definitely no goodbyes there);  and then my Dad, he was eaten away by another mongrel disease, leukemia (not really goodbyes said, but over and over said "I love you").

Life goes on and you know, it HURTS, it hurts so much inside and yes, you get angry - with so many things.  People going about their lives, going about their own business etc - and you wanna YELL at them, "Hey, my Dad has just died - don't you care!!!!"   Of course, you don't but you feel like it.

The television still goes and there's no news about him on it - it seems 'no-one' cares.

But life goes on - and you've got to, you've just got to try and cope with each day as best you can.

Shan, as you're probably experiencing right now - three months is nothing.  To say the feeling is still raw would be an understatement.

Grief is one helluva an awful emotion to have to deal with - and there is no "right" way to deal with it.  Everyone is different - and as a result, everyone will have their own way of dealing with it.  For me, I don't deal with it very well.  But then I guess, who does.

Picking up the pieces and moving on with life - that's like dealing with grief - only you can know when you'll be ready to do this.

From now on (and you've no doubt experienced so much of this already), you're going to find so many instances, occasions, etc, that will pop up out of the blue that will hit you "BAM" in the face and you'll break down - something being a trigger and it's tough.

All I can say (though I've probably said a lot already), is that there are wonderful people on here, who know, who've been through and who have suffered - write here as often as you feel able to;  we'll be here for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Shan, my up most sympathy for losing your dad.

Bereavement posts are difficult to reply to, not that we don't want to reply to, because such a loss is unbelievably so sorry for you to be able to cope with.

When I was a young kid every year a grand parent died and back then I prayed that no one else would pass away, but unfortunately they did, and that's why I never pray or believe in any faith now, because as a child I didn't understand.

I was more upset when Dad died, because Mum had been in a nursing home for many years in which she turned from a loving caring mother to really just a vegetable, where she couldn't talk nor identify who you were, whereas Dad who was in his 90's had a brain equivalent to a 60 year old man, and although his walking was slowing down, he wasn't a 90 year old man.

Anyway both of their funerals I was bawling my eyes out, and when Dad's coffin was being lowered I kept saying 'Dad don't go, don't leave me', so I appreciate your deepest sorrow.

I hope that you some great memorabilia which I'm sure that you do, so please accept my sincere condolences. L Geoff. x