Apologies in advance

[Guest_3712]

Hi all,

I so very nearly didn't post today as I didn't want to upset everyone's Mothers Day, so I will apologise now but I am so down and really needed to vent I guess.

As you know I have been dreading Mothers Day for so many reasons. 1/ my dearly loved mother in law died at this time of year, 2/ I don't feel anything remotely loving to my own mum and 3/  I miss my children desperately.

Don't get me wrong my kids both called and my hubby took me out for breakky and a walk so I should me grateful right?

What sort of an awful person am I ? I always want more . My heart is breaking in so many pieces.

I ended up taking the time to visit my mum during the week and as you would probably guess I was so conflicted with my emotions. She seems to shrink more each time I see her which gives me a false impression of the dominant strong intimidating mother of my youth.

I then I feel sorry for her feebleness and then I hate her for making me feel pity for her and then I hate myself for so wanting her to say those words I have never heard . I know it will never happen. I am so confused and sad.

I am counting the days until I can see my psych. I need a good cry and dare not do it at home as my hubby and I are living a fairly peaceful life at the moment and I don't want to upset the status quo.

I hope my special friends here on BB are having a lovely day, you know who you are ladies and my male friends I hope you are giving your mums/ wives all the love in the world.

Sorry for the downer

Stressless

[Jo3]

Hey Stressless,

I am sorry you are feeling down today, but I understand what you're saying about your mum.

Gee, we are so much alike not wanting to show our emotions at home.  I agree that a good cry is good for us but it's just that we don't do it at home. Stressless, I don't think I know this but - how old are your kids? I'm assuming by reading your post that your kids have left home and are adults??

Stressless, I am like you - wanting to be nice to my mum but then desperately wanting to hear those three words - I love you. Just those 3 words mean so so much. And I am not sure if I will ever those words from my mum either.

Thanks for wishing me a happy mother's day.  

Take care, chat again soon

Jo xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Stressless, 

You know you never need to apologise on this site. For those of us with family who have passed on or even those who like me have issues with their family that make communication strained or awkward  if not impossible; days like mothers day are  a more stressful occasion than they should be. 

Given your family history and loss, it is only understandable that today would be hard for you. I am so glad you feel comfortable to vent on here. I say good on you for visiting your mother. It takes strength to face those conflicting emotions and the turmoil it stirs in us to see family. It can take all that strenggh just to be in the same room. So good on you. 

You say you are an awful person,  for wanting more, but you aren't. Two things you have to take into account are what depression can do to us, and what our minds do when we are in a peaceful environment. I am finding lately that depression can hit us out of nowhere, we could be having a relatively good day and we will just feel so down and terrible. It is not a useful thing, but a strange way this illness and our physiology works. So not something you can control and shouldn't feel awful for. 

The second point is that because things are so comfortable and peaceful, your mind may have decided it is in a strong enough place to deal with some extra bad memories and emotions.  Again, sometimes not useful and traumatic for us, but in a way it could be a compliment. Your mind thinks you are strong enough to deal with this. 

I see strength in you that you can't see right now.  I see that you do deserve more, but the only way out is through.

You can deal with this Stressless,  trust us if you can't trust yourself. 

GA

[Guest_3712]

Hey jo

thanks as usual for your post.

don't think I don't get the turmoil you're also going through as I check in on you daily

I'm glad you are having a nice day, and yes my children are grown and living away from home, but they will always be my babies

Cheers

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hi GA,

thanks for your time .I know life is tough for you and I am touched you would reply.

yes it is hard on special days, the significance we place on certain events, and our expectations can get out of hand.

I n recent years I have grown to hate these occasions , Christmas, birthdays  mothers and Fathers days, I just barely tolerate them  for the sake of the family.

How sad then I get no pleasure from these events. it was different when the kids were small I guess, but now ? I don't have to pretend.

Anyway I appreciate your confidence in me.

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hello there LOVELY ladies

I know it's dark outside now and so the day is closing to an end - and I was going to wish all the wonderful mum's out there a special "happy mother's day" message earlier.  But then thought, of some of you who perhaps do have conflicting thoughts at this time and so I decided against it.

Stressless - for once, I really don't quite know what to say - amazing huh!  I hope that your upcoming appointment arrives soon for you and you get to vent as you wish.

Jo, I hope you got pampered today as you deserve - and it was lovely to hear that Stressless had a nice brekkie and some cardio as well.  🙂

GA, I hope you're going ok and that you managed to get through most of the post I sent you last night on your other thread. 

I've only just come on line, so I have a bit of catching up to do.

Cheers ladies

Neil

[Guest_3712]

hey Neil,

It's Ok you don't have to say anything it is enough that you answered

take care

Stressless

[white knight]

Hello Stressless,   

Events like mothers day, fathers day, birthdays etc annoys me a little. Birthdays- I know of a club that wishes happy birthday to all its 300 or so members. So nearly every day there is a happy birthday on there and several regulars chime in to wish it, often they have never met. Sorry but I find it a waste of time. It really is just the day of the year when you were born.  But wait a minute....there is a childhood gripe going on here.

See, I was the type of kid that spent every cent of his money when he received it. So whenever my mother (BPD) had her birthday (hell froze over if I didnt remember it) she had high expectations.  Even when I was 22 yo and broke I gave her a card with my love inside it, written with affection. She yelled "where's my present". I replied- "in the card, the best I could offer you".

So as I no longer see her, mothers day is a day whereby she would likely be sitting waiting for a call that will never come. Sad but- self inflicted I'm afraid. Fathers day is my day and I think of my loving father also. You mention waiting for those 3 words. Well my old fashioned dad never hugged or kissed this son. I dearly wanted that from dad. My younger sister got all the affection. Them days few dads ever hugged their sons. So there are many people out there that feel they missed out somewhere along the line with something. Some people dont have "I ,love you" in their vocabulary, pity. Oh, I did get my dad kiss.  He had no choice.  Perhaps this poem will clarify it. I dip my hat to you and your persistence to visit your mum. You've done very well

TO KISS HIS TEMPLE

There were some things I knew as taboo

To express my love but to question who?

To touch the pale face of my dad back then

When touching taboo, when men were 'men'.

For boys were males and you "cant do that"

Jealous of my sister and that is that

This man couldnt hug his son for how he was seen

Nowadays to hug your son- well you'd be relieved.

And so my dad the salt of the land

Wouldnt touch me at all even by hand

He knew he loved me and I him

With the wink of an eye from under his brim.

The that day we all regret came along

Where watery eyes is met with song

And there he lie with an eiry smile

I be alone with him for just a while.

As I stroked his forehead cool to touch

I raised my head automatically as such

To kiss his temple by which I dare

I knew his mind was well aware.

Of all the kisses and hugs I missed

They gathered together in just one kiss

Finally as his spirit rose and left

He left his hugs and love was spent.

I never craved again heart be blessed

That tradition of males their love expressed

A kiss on his forehead way back then

          Ended the era...when men were 'men'.....

White Knight.

[Guest_3712]

Hi White Knight,

I loved your poem .you captured the feelings and 'taboo's' of that time past. thank you so much for sharing .

It actually reminded me a little of the song 'Cats in the cradle' which also has a strong message.

I'm so glad that blokey thing is gone. My husband and son have a great affectionate relationship, and are not afraid to show it ( son now 27)

I am so glad that you were secure in your fathers love for you even without the open affection. sometimes a look, ( a wink of an eye) conveys the message just as well

unfortunately I didn't have that from either parent .

My main goal as a parent was always to ensure my kids knew they were loved and cherished. I would tell them , show them every chance I get.

Maybe their generation will be one step closer to having that ideal relationship with their kids and then maybe this awful baggage we carry into adulthood will be no more,

Again thanks for the thoughts

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Stressless wrote:

"hey Neil, It's Ok you don't have to say anything it is enough that you answered take care Stressless"

Neil responds with:   "Damn if I knew I didn't have to say anything, I wouldn't have written as much as I did"!  😉  😉   😉  

ps:  that's 3 cheeky winks - just in case you thought I had a twitch in my eye!  😉  damn, there it goes again.