Lost all my friends

[Jo3]

Hi everyone

I have just lost my last close friend - and it's all my fault.

When all this childhood abuse stuff came out 4 years ago, I had a few friends that supported me greatly.  And I really appreciated their support.  But this morning a close friend (or so I thought) told me that she can't have me talk about my stuff anymore, not about the abuse, the psych sessions anything. She said she has had enough and can't do it.  She said she had to see a psychologist to help her tell me.

I felt guttered and now have lost all my friends.  I didn't realise that I was taking her time and my issues were interfering with her life.  She never mentioned it to me in the four years that we have been catching up.  

So now I am friendless, no one to talk to; no one to vent to or even have a coffee with. It's all gone - and it's all my fault.

This is one example of borderline personality disorder that I have been diagnosed with.   And I hate it so much, I really do.

I hate myself for being like this, i have no one know. it's all gone. i don't know what to do anymore, my day has spiralled down so much that i just want to hide away.

It's never ending and i don't know if i can do this anymore. it sucks, it's horrible and i am to blame.

Jo

[Jo3]

So my life is now me and me alone.  Even though i have a husband and kids I have no one else that i can talk to or catch up for coffee.

  i am not good right now and i couldn't care less about anything.

borderline personality disorder stinks big time and i hate myself for having it.

[white knight]

Dear Jo3,    well you went leaps and bounds further than my mother with BPD who didnt seek help at all during her 82 years of family destruction.  You at least know your illness and have done all you can to seek help.  I take my hat off to you- seriously, well done.

Now about your 'friends'.  I've recently gone through the same thing.  My behaviour has been over the top and beyond the "normal" boundaries.  Isnt is amazing how quickly you lose friends that you thought you'd have forever? Gone!!

I try to find positives in all negatives and if you try hard you will find some.  For example: I feel good after a while because I'd prefer to have friends that will stand by me or better still friends that will tactfully let me know to not talk so much about your own topics of concern.  This will still hurt the sensitive but its better to have such a friend than those that chop you off.

What I've done now is I've found new friends and I limit my talk about my issues unless they ask.  I'm upfront about my mental issues (and likely always will be) then I close down about it until my new friend asks.  Then I still limit it somewhat. I never used to do this, I was eager to talk day and night about it as I was troubled and tormented.

That alone feeling is and always will be there.  Few friends of family can sooth the dull pain of mental illness.  But those that do over a long period of time are true friends but they also have the makeup to endure such repetitive chatter. Some dont have that ability.  We cant blame them.

I had such a friend recently that told me "all I want in my life is fun, fun and more fun. I dont want to talk about sad things and what people said and why they did this or that. Have fun man, stop worrying"! 

I told him I've looked in the local supermarket and cant find worry pills- perhaps he can find them for me!  eg worry isnt a choice.

So people like my ex friend above have a right to carry out their life as they please.  Bet my bottom dollar one day his world will come crashing down. And there wont be many people around that will relate to his grief or crisis.  As hard as it might seem I will be too busy visiting my friends that were there for me to spend time with a person that chose not to be around when I needed him.

[Jo3]

Thanks White Knight for your reply.

Yes BPD is a very hard mental illness to control especially the emotions and the lack of empathy.  I never thought I did lack empathy but apparently I do according to my psych. I have sought help for this and although it is so damn hard to change I think I am slowly.  Little steps.

As for friends - I will have to live my life now without them - I know of a lot of people especially because I live in a small tourist town and everyone knows each other.  I have worked with lots of people but no one has kept in contact with me and I am sick and tired of trying to be the one who has to do the calling around just to organise a coffee.  No one ever rings me or sends me a text to see how I am going; I am the one that has to start it.

I am now going to leave it with this particular friend and if she wants to catch up one day for a coffee fine but I won't be "chasing" her anymore.

I am just really sad for me because I have never had many friends in my life.  Always only having 1 or 2 friends at school and then losing contact as I got married. Then I worked and made one close friend - to lose her after quite a few years due to moving house; i keep losing my friends or they keep leaving me.

I always thought that friends were meant to be there for their friends - to support them, laugh with them, cry with them, and be a good friend.

Well, now I guess I know I have no one to do this with anymore.

Take care white knight

Jo

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

It was sad to read your post about how your friend has chosen the decision she has. 

But wow, what a great post that White Knight provided.  In a way, that's a little about what I do - as you can actually see even from my efforts on this website - you know that I don't put out too much all that often.  And that's pretty much how I go about my life at the moment.  And I think without a doubt it's for the reason that if I was to bang on about what's evil in my mind and tormenting me all the time, I'd soon have no-one.

I'd soon have no-one - it's not like I've got friends banging down my front door, no not at all - in fact, all my friends are mostly at email length - as in, I don't see them - I could if I wished too, but I don't want too.

But we're all very very different and for you Jo, and I can understand your side of things for wishing to open up and talk about things.  That's where we just don't know how our friends will take things.  White Knight provided really good points on this.

You know Jo, I still think that if you were to slowly open up to your family, I think you'd be so terribly surprised at how much they would bend over backward to support you with this.

Cheers

Neil

[Mares73]

My dearest Jo, I'm so sorry that happened with your friend. You really didn't need any more upsetting news. Jo just so I can support you the best way you deserve-would you mind briefly explaining what borderline personality means for you & how it affects you? You have had a rough time for quite a while now & I just hope the psych treats you better than last time. It must be so hard, I know what you mean about feeling alone & isolated dealing with the abuse and other issues. Jo does your husband listen to you? I hope you have support at home? I'm thinking of you & don't forget your many friends here who care for you greatly. Lve Mares xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you, Jo. Don't give up.

GA

[Jo3]

To my dear friends Neil, Mares & GA & White Knight

 BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  I was told I had this disorder when reading a referral letter from my original pyschologist sending me to a psychiatrist for a review of meds (different pysch to who I'm seeing at the moment).  I wanted to read what my pyschologist had written in the referral and I read - borderline personality disorder.  He never explained it to me. I emailed him and told him I read his referral letter and wanted to know what he wrote about me. He never really explained it to me.

So four years later it has been explained now by my current psychotherapist and I attend a support group meeting monthly in Melbourne.

Basically BPD is a disorder of emotion regulation. The main feature of BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self image and emotions.  People with BPD are very impulsive.

The disorder occurs mainly in early adulthood. These are the symptoms:

Frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships

Identity disturbance such as self esteem

Impulsiviity - such as binge eating, reckless driving, or shopping

Recurrent suidical behaviour, gestures, threats

Emotional instability

Chronic feeling of emptiness

Inappropriate intense anger or difficult controlling anger

Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

BPD is more prevalent in females

Cause of BPD:

Cause is likely due to biological and genetic factors, social factors, the individuals personality.

Treatment of BPD:

Psychotherapy, medicatiions and DBT (dialetical behaviour therapy)

This was a shock to me to know I have this disorder and I am starting to see that symptoms are definitely related to BPD.  And I struggle daily, my psychotherapist is fantastic and is helping me with DBT therapy.

I think I will do what White Knight has suggested and not say much at all to anyone.  I don't know who I can trust and it frightening to know that I can lose a friend so easily.  It feels like no one cares about me anymore.

 Hope this explains a bit about BPD. 

 Jo

[fuschia]

hey Jo,

I have all of these symptoms you listed but the physciatrist I saw on Thursday said I don't have it as my symptoms only last hours and bipolar symptoms ie manic, euphoria, invisible feelings will last for days at a time.

Im so confused now..

[Jo3]

Hey  Fuchsia

I should have mentioned that people with BPD take a lot longer for their emotions to come back down to "normal level".  My psych explained it to me like this - with a person that doesn't have any mental illness or BPD their reaction to their emotions calm down within a few minutes whereas a BPD person's reaction will take a lot lot longer, days.

There is a criteria for BPD to be diagnosed and out of the 9 you have to have at least 5 of them to be diagnosed.  But this must be done by a professional.

What diagnosis has your psych given you?

Jo