Lost all my friends

[Jo3]

Hi everyone

I have just lost my last close friend - and it's all my fault.

When all this childhood abuse stuff came out 4 years ago, I had a few friends that supported me greatly.  And I really appreciated their support.  But this morning a close friend (or so I thought) told me that she can't have me talk about my stuff anymore, not about the abuse, the psych sessions anything. She said she has had enough and can't do it.  She said she had to see a psychologist to help her tell me.

I felt guttered and now have lost all my friends.  I didn't realise that I was taking her time and my issues were interfering with her life.  She never mentioned it to me in the four years that we have been catching up.  

So now I am friendless, no one to talk to; no one to vent to or even have a coffee with. It's all gone - and it's all my fault.

This is one example of borderline personality disorder that I have been diagnosed with.   And I hate it so much, I really do.

I hate myself for being like this, i have no one know. it's all gone. i don't know what to do anymore, my day has spiralled down so much that i just want to hide away.

It's never ending and i don't know if i can do this anymore. it sucks, it's horrible and i am to blame.

Jo

[fuschia]

Hi Jo just used the words general anxiety, manic anxiety and behavior and depression. I guess I'll go ahead and continue the progress of changing my meds but if I need a second opinion down the track I will get it.

Twenty years is long enough.

Hope your ok...

[white knight]

Dear Jo3,

Sometimes we have to get things into proper perspective.  Some sufferers of mental illness live their lives with extreme behaviour with not much middle ground where 'normal' is. Extreme mood, actions, emotion etc. Some that is.  I mentioned earlier my behaviour  can be extreme and this doesnt fit in a club/group atmosphere. For example- I cant stand idly by and experience/witness the most smallest example of injustice.  A prime example of this was 25 years ago as a council dog ranger whereby I was told to favouritise the local politicians dog over all others. Meaning dont issue an infringement if it was at large etc.  This I felt was wrong (and is) in that pensioners and unemployed must pay such fines but preferential treatment was plain wrong.  The point is that had I had the wisdom I have now I would have tackled the problem differently, had words with councillors, stayed away from the area and allow the senior officer to decide to give such preferential treatment.  I ended up losing my job, my health and nearly my then marriage. I went into a  rage without intelligent thought. A few pats on the back didnt pay the bills as honourable as my actions were. I didnt have the issue in a proper perspective. I wasnt wrong but by knee jerking I paid a huge price.

As my therepist said to me following this trauma- "with your thoughts say to yourself, are you being realistic? do you have things in proper perspective?"  I say those things to myself nearly every day with my decisions and actions.  It helps sometimes.  But emotions are strong feelings and when you are upset it isnt easy getting things in balance.

From what I have read of your posts I'm hoping this latest loss of a dear friend will pass in time and new ones, maybe better ones will enter your life. Loss of a friend can be experienced as much as grief.  Remember what I said- you can get a positive out of a negative if you look hard? 

PROBLEM FLOWER

I count my problems

so I pick a daisy flower

I pick a petal for each of my woes

and count them by the hour

And as the last petal is picked

and my problems as big as a city tower

I thought I had so many issues

But not as many as that flower....

by white knight

[vip]

Jo you still have a friend with me on these forums I don't write as much as I used to anymore I know as I find sometimes its a bit draining for me and unhashes all the memories of my past. Hey ive lost heaps of friends through my journey don't worry so much new people are everywhere . I tend to hang with ladies that understand me and are going through similar experiences you may have to join a ladies group ect to find this . Yes and speaking about the depression over and over some people to get a little frightened but that's their choice to move away. so maybe talk about it but no your limits with it hope this all helps take care  

[white knight]

Nes,  what a beautiful reply.  yes I reckon some of this will drain me a bit one day and I'll need a break.  Quite normal.

It was so refreshing to see that someone from some time ago came back here to comfort Jo.  Very nice.

[Jo3]

Hi Nes,

Thanks for your kind words and for being my friend.  I really appreciate it.  I do understand what you're saying about being on here a bit and then rehashing old stuff - i think this is what is happening with me!  But i don't want to leave just yet.

You know if i ever come over to Perth I would love to catch up with you. (but it will probably not happen because of privacy)

Hope you are doing okay, and your husband and son are good as well.

Take care and thanks again for replying, i miss your chats

Jo xxx

[Jo3]

Hi White Knight

I agree with you - it can be draining and exhausting being on here.  I'm starting to think that it is affecting me.

But for now I can't leave - i have too many friends on here.

Hope you're doing okay,

take care

Jo