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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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white knight Making sense of grief
  • replies: 2

Hi, Quote from a funeral director on a Billy Connelly show tonight "Grief is like a doorway...so high you cant climb over it, so wide you cant go around it, so deep you cant go under it....YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT" And quote from Billy Connolly "If ... View more

Hi, Quote from a funeral director on a Billy Connelly show tonight "Grief is like a doorway...so high you cant climb over it, so wide you cant go around it, so deep you cant go under it....YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT" And quote from Billy Connolly "If death was with us everyday....we wouldnt care so much about it" They say on average a person undergoes grief from a death every 10 years. But they didnt include marriage/partner breakups. And girlfriend/boyfriend splits that can have just as devastating effects. If we were to 'expect' a death of a loved one and (sort of) accept that we will experience such grief, then maybe we can semi plan for how we are to manage our feelings at that time. This sounds great eh? Planning your grief routine, What rubbish!!! Lets re-read that first quote about the door of grief....you have to go through it! But if we do accept that we will "go through it" - the deaths of close ones and lets say none of these cases are any less devastating than the last, then perhaps we can expect it to happen. Wouldnt that assist in some way? Perhaps, perhaps not. for we know that everyone is different in this terrible experience of grief. One thing that has helped me and might help you, is to take that loss you are experiencing- to the extreme. For example- When my brother died in 1979 at 27 from his own hand, my mother at the time said "I've lost a son, not many people lose a child". At the time I lived in a unit and 3 doors down from me was a couple that came from Queensland. Eventually they told me their story which included the fact that in one car accident they lost 3 children and the ladies mother and father. Thirteen years later my father died and my mother said "not many people lose a husband and a son". I reminded her of that example. It didnt sooth her pain but it became a baby step to recovery. At a time when one feels they have been inflicted with the worst of all blows, it could indeed be worse. And the hands that embrace you at a service for the lost one...those hands are there while some people lose so many members of their family in one swoop or within a short space of time, it is a positive of sorts that it could be worse. Yes, you have to go through it. Grief is not avoidable for most of us. Even the seemingly toughest person on earth cant avoid it. But it is part of us on earth in this life and we will never rid ourselves of the shock, the despair and the sheer loss. But in some cases, it could be worse. Tony WK

Kirst_M A letter to my Dad, and anyone suffering the loss of a loved one
  • replies: 2

To You, My Dad, John. 11-12-64 ~ 5-12-92 22 years today it's been since you left. Left the physical world, left your uncertainties, left your own life. The years pass, and I get older and time changes most things, But never the fact that you're not h... View more

To You, My Dad, John. 11-12-64 ~ 5-12-92 22 years today it's been since you left. Left the physical world, left your uncertainties, left your own life. The years pass, and I get older and time changes most things, But never the fact that you're not here. Nothing will ever change that and it never gets any easier. In your absence and as the years pass, I've learned so much about reality and life's short comings, But mostly about what happens when finality kicks in. There's no closure, no questions answered and no bringing you back to tell us why!!! And with that I realised quite quickly in my young life that there's nothing myself or anyone else can do about it. So what do we do?? Lose grip on reality and live a life We can blame on tragedy and the downfalls?? No chance. We keep living and fighting with a cause. Im not delusional and I know I can't make miracles happen, but I take losing you, the uncertainties, the sadness and all the unknowns and I channel them and use them as power & ammunition for me to get through my days. I refuse to lose or be beaten, I will never wallow in self pity or blame anyone or anything for my downfalls and losses, I live a life I'm proud of, And try to make the world a better place. I struggle, I fall, I hate life sometimes. It's reality, it's life, But despite the struggle, life is always worth staying and fighting for, your death taught me that. There is so much greatness to live for, the blessing I've been given with my family, friendships and the opportunities created for myself. The light and hope does appear, and there's always people willing to help & support other people. I will spend the rest of my days trying to lift the taboo's and negative opinions that surround Suicide & mental illness and I will advocate for and support causes that help people with their turmoil and tough times...Because I wish with all of my soul that there was just one person to help you when you went through yours. I will never hear your voice, see your smile or feel your hugs of support. But I know with every ounce of my being, you're my guiding light and biggest support and ali. I feel that in the decisions I make and the things I think and feel. May your soul be resting eternally in the solace you so deserve Dad, and I'll be sure to catch you on the other side. Until then, I will love you immensely, and miss you even more. All my love for you always

brookey24 A hard year
  • replies: 1

I have never really written on one of these before but tonight everything has just been so overwhelming. 2014 has been one of the hardest years of my life so far. At the beginning of the year I lost my aunty to cancer. It was really hard to deal with... View more

I have never really written on one of these before but tonight everything has just been so overwhelming. 2014 has been one of the hardest years of my life so far. At the beginning of the year I lost my aunty to cancer. It was really hard to deal with because she was my favourite and closest aunty, my dads only living relative and as all signs were showing she was improving greatly but unfortunately randomly took a turn for the worse. The guilt that I was supposed to fly over and see her in January for her 50th birthday has been eating me alive. That chance to see her one last time before she passed that I didn't take because my dad couldn't get time off work and I didn't want to go alone. She was the first person I've lost and that was really hard to deal with, I don't think I've quite dealt with it to date. It made it harder to deal with the loss because on top of losing my aunty, I also lost friendships with four of my closest friends. I'm not very good at being alone but for most of this year, besides my amazing family and two friends that have stuck by me, I've had to deal with the loneliness. It's hard for me to deal with overwhelming feeling of suffocation from sadness, anger and envy because I don't have a hard or bad life. I just can't comprehend why I feel so terrible all the time when my life isn't even bad..I feel so guilty for feeling this terrible. I have a great family, an easy going life, I have my health, a roof over my head, I lead a good life. Tonight everything has really gotten to me and feeling torn between not wanting to die, but also not wanting to live has pushed me to the point I wanted to reach out, the point where I need to reach out. I guess I just want something other than the 'you'll get over it' that I've received all year, the 'I don't really care' response just makes it hard for me to open up to anyone I thought really cared.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

RedRose13 My daughter grew her wings at only 14 weeks old
  • replies: 4

My daughter passed away last October while undergoing her second heart surgery. I have a 7 week old baby who was due on my little girls angelversary, I was induced early - for my own mental wellbeing! But I have been struggling a lot lately, I think ... View more

My daughter passed away last October while undergoing her second heart surgery. I have a 7 week old baby who was due on my little girls angelversary, I was induced early - for my own mental wellbeing! But I have been struggling a lot lately, I think maybe it's a combination of baby blues and grief. I have started having horrible nightmares, I've woken from my sleep sweating, screaming, crying, and it's really messing with my head. I have been putting on a fake smile and convincing everyone I'm fine, but I'm really not coping, with the nightmares, my own insecurities and having a new baby.. I'm not scared that I'll do something stupid or irrational.. I'm just worried that my cracks will start to show more and my children and my husband will be the ones who suffer! i have a 7y.o son, 6y.o step daughter, 5y.o step daughter, my 18m.o angel and a 7w.o daughter.

PinkDiamonds25 My uncle committed suicide last Tuesday.
  • replies: 4

Okay, so this is a bit of a yucky post..I'm just feeling so confronted by all of this.my father suffers from depression and anxiety, so does my older brother and so do I.there seems to be more and more "family history" of it all popping up as we go o... View more

Okay, so this is a bit of a yucky post..I'm just feeling so confronted by all of this.my father suffers from depression and anxiety, so does my older brother and so do I.there seems to be more and more "family history" of it all popping up as we go on..basically as I was the first one to be diagnosed with mental illness, at that time there was no recorded family history of it anywhere.no one really understood my condition (which I am still struggling with on and off 5 years later), my family doesn't seem to take it seriously.since my diagnosis, my brother contemplated taking his own life (he went so far to write a will) but seems to have recovered now, my father came out with some sort of psychosis and we had to have him involuntarily treated in a hospital earlier this year.. He's living with my grandmother now and was on the path to recovery..until last Tuesday anyway..his brother (my uncle) seemed to pretty much "spontaneously" commit suicide..I just don't get it..Last Monday he put my dad and his name down to play bowls for Wednesday, then had some kind of argument with his wife on the Monday night. By Tuesday morning he called in sick from work for the day, called his doctor and made an appointment, but suicided before the appointment.What pushes someone to end it all so spontaneously?the family is devastated and I just can't get it off my mind.. I wasn't really close to my uncle, I guess I'm more upset because the family is so upset.funeral is this Thursday and I'm not sure if I can bring myself to go because the family is all pretty close except me. I feel like the odd one out.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

PurpleFairy93 It's been 1.5 years and I am still heavily grieving after the death of my mum.
  • replies: 4

I'm 21, my mum had been physically sick with a whole range of illnesses my whole life which I believe led to her also being what I assume was heavily depressed and even for lack of a better word, mental. also, we never really knew everything that was... View more

I'm 21, my mum had been physically sick with a whole range of illnesses my whole life which I believe led to her also being what I assume was heavily depressed and even for lack of a better word, mental. also, we never really knew everything that was going on with her because neither her or her doctor would tell us and she was always bitter or sleeping which made it very hard to communicate effectively with her. i cared for her a lot whilst growing up but I never realized I became relatively desensitized to her suffering because I was around it so much. I said many many hurtful things to her. I know now that I was taking my stress from her out on her, and she had lived for so long being so sick, my family and I naively got used to an idea that she was always going to live. Even the week she died we knew it was imminent but we didn't know how to react and she refused any help and had half lost her mind by that stage, so we kind have just went about our week relatively normally knowing she was likely to die any day then.. A thought which we had been having for years but was so much more real at that stage. it has been 1.5 years since her death and I live with heavy guilt every single day and night. I used to be so positive and now it's like there's no point. My siblings don't feel the same as we all have different experiences of relationships with her and I hate bringing it up to them because I don't want them to feel bad. I've always been the strong one who has been there for others and never asked for help. i feel like I will never heal because you can't change the past and I can't take back the horrible things I said to her. No amount of positive words or affirmations or self forgiveness has helped at all. what can I do? I try talking to her spirit, I've been to psychics, I've written to her in my diary etc. but I feel no change. Thank you

jtz Feeling alone... Now realise I'm not the only one
  • replies: 10

After reading some posts this morning, I realise I am not alone in my depression. Today has been a bad one, I now see many of you out there, like me, are still struggling with loss years later. I lost my mother to suicide; my partner in a car acciden... View more

After reading some posts this morning, I realise I am not alone in my depression. Today has been a bad one, I now see many of you out there, like me, are still struggling with loss years later. I lost my mother to suicide; my partner in a car accident; and recently one of my closest friends. 3 women I was very close with. Guilt. Anger. Questions of why me? Weren't you happy enough taking one special person from me? Why three? Some days I cruise along, smiling, working, not sharing what is happening in my head. It's not cool for us guys to show emotion. Suicidal thoughts? Sometimes. Anniversaries are always so hard. Birthdays. Christmas. I randomly came across this site today. After reading many posts with others describing their struggle to deal with the loss of loved ones, I can now see I am not alone. I feel for all of you struggling with the horrible emotional roller coaster we ride every day. Is there a group which meet together to talk these things through? I have tried the GP. I have tried the shrink. Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me talk and cry out.

Feeling_Sad Grieving loss of someone else's child I never knew, but reminds me so much of my own child.
  • replies: 2

With over 40 years of being a fairly happy female and never having really had much to do with grief, I have recently been confronted with the death of someone else's child I don't even know and never met through social media (Facebook). It has broken... View more

With over 40 years of being a fairly happy female and never having really had much to do with grief, I have recently been confronted with the death of someone else's child I don't even know and never met through social media (Facebook). It has broken my heart, and I feel like my life is crumbling around me. I was just a light user of Facebook, but over the last couple of months, friends have shared stories of other parents' Community Facebook pages of their own children recently having died of cancer. They continue their Facebook pages as a way of grieving. Not knowing much about childhood cancer, I read through their stories and the mothers' constant updates throughout their journey, their photos, even the ones closer to their child dying - so confronting for me. I was coping ok with them, although I was feeling different about life as I knew it, and then I read about a beautiful little 6 yr girl who only died only a few weeks ago from soft tissue cancer, and she reminds me so much of my 5 yr old daughter. I am totally devastated by reading about the pain this little girl endured for over 2 years, and every photo she has a smile on her face, and then her final days in extreme pain, and now her mother's painful grief. I can't stop thinking about the little girl and her mother and feel guilty if I try to return to my family's happy and healthy life. I constantly cry, can't eat, don't want to face life and feel like I will never be the same person I was once before. I keep going back to her Facebook page as her mother updates most days, and the only good thing about it all is that she died in the arms of her mum and with medical supervision. But, why can't I get over this? Why do I need to revisit her Facebook page? Many friends have said stop reading it, but I feel like her mum might post something beautiful up and I will miss it. I have started to see a psychologist to try and find out what went wrong with me, and she thinks I may be suffering from Vicarious Trauma, which is more related to Health Professionals dealing with constant trauma. There isn't much on the internet about social media and the effects it can have on us. Is it this little girl triggered something in me as she reminds me of my daughter, or is it that I can't cope with all these sad stories on Facebook and the internet, news etc.

dam i am struggling
  • replies: 3

my little brother died by suicide a few days before christmas in 2012. it was the hardest thing i have ever experienced. not just my own pain but seeing how crushed my mum and dad werejust left me so heartbroken. we were always fighting as kids and t... View more

my little brother died by suicide a few days before christmas in 2012. it was the hardest thing i have ever experienced. not just my own pain but seeing how crushed my mum and dad werejust left me so heartbroken. we were always fighting as kids and teens but we became good mates later in his life. i would stop by his house on my walk home from work and we would have a few cones and watch tv and just talk about what ever was on tv or in the news.they day i knew he died i was at work. my dad had called me that morning quite irate. he couldnt get in contact with my brother and was getting scared. i assumed he was over reacting as parents do.then i saw a news article on facebook about a man who was my brothers age who had died on my brothers street. it was him, not that i was sure at the time but i can admitt in hindsight im pretty sure i was in denial. i read the article, absorbed it and went back to work. i told myself i was stupid to think it was him. my mum called me a bit later and said she was worried about my dad, he had stopped in at her place on the way down to my brothers and she said he was really agitated. i told mum not to worry and that ben was fine, i even told her about the article i read that day and laughed about the coincidence that a man the same age on the same street died. i cant get over how stupid i was, everyone was telling me something was wrong but i just.. i dont even know what the term is.. blocked it out isnt sufficient. it was just.. it wasnt like i felt like i knew it was him and i was blocking myself from thinking it. i just didnt think it. i had all the facts but that last mental domino just didnt clink downwards. so much so i just went to lunch like normal. i bought red rooster.during my drive my phone rang but i couldnt find it so i let the blutooth answer it. it was my other little brother. i told him he would have to speak up cos i was driving and on speaker. "ben died, mum said can you come home?". in that moment everything clicked and i just looked at myself thinking... you ...... it was so obvious. and i had really said all that stupid stuff to my mum and dad... joking about a guy my bros age on his street of like 12 houses dying the day before... my mind just cracked a little that day and i dont think its come right since.

cuddlegoth My son
  • replies: 5

Hi i lost my son 12 years ago i am finding it hard to cope with the loss i havent had any help in the past i feel i need to talk to some one about this

Hi i lost my son 12 years ago i am finding it hard to cope with the loss i havent had any help in the past i feel i need to talk to some one about this