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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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Reality getting out of bed
  • replies: 1

Hi...have just registered with beyond blue though I've know about the organisation for a while. I'm coping okay at the moment. I lost my job in May and at 54 on the search again! My age appears to be a barrier, as most organisations/employers want ex... View more

Hi...have just registered with beyond blue though I've know about the organisation for a while. I'm coping okay at the moment. I lost my job in May and at 54 on the search again! My age appears to be a barrier, as most organisations/employers want experience though someone young! (though who knows with the Budgets incentive payment to employ over 50 yr olds, perhaps that may help!) The black hole has always been a part of my life, my journey. When it hits I often have difficulty getting out of bed and sleep a lot! I imagine common to many. The thing is, at the moment, I am not bouncing out of bed and am sleeping in, and I am catching my inner critic saying "Your hopeless, worthless, cant even get out of bed, should be grateful for the life you have!" I then acknowledge my inner critic's voice and choose to soothe and respect myself (most of the time). I am not defective or worthless.

Shan8 Grieving a parent
  • replies: 3

I lost my dad three months ago, suddenly to a heart attack. He was 51, exercised 5 times a week, didn't smoke, didn't drink- he was riding his bike in a race, finished the race and collapsed just past the finish line. I never got to say goodbye and t... View more

I lost my dad three months ago, suddenly to a heart attack. He was 51, exercised 5 times a week, didn't smoke, didn't drink- he was riding his bike in a race, finished the race and collapsed just past the finish line. I never got to say goodbye and this is something I am struggling with every day. How do you deal when someone, a person you believed would be a solid part of your life and be present in all the important (and unimportant) parts of my life- he was meant to walk me down the aisle, be a pop to the children I would have, retire with my Mum when they were old and wrinkly and go on holidays with me. I feel so tired all the time, I know I am grieving, this is grief - this is life! But how does one simply pick up the pieces and move on with life? I am so angry that my Dad is missing out on all the things he wanted to do, we wanted to travel as a family, have a sea change, hold his grandson (my brothers baby) who will be born next month. I would like to know how others deal with this situation, I've read all the articles- meditation, counselling, healthy foods, find a hobby, exercise but I would like to read personal stories of people experiencing the sudden loss of someone they thought would be in their lives forever.

FriendlyGiant Losing Mum
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone, This is my first time to the beyond blue community, and in fact the first time I'm reaching out for support. I'm a little lost where to start, so bear with me if you will. I'm originally from the UK and moved to Australia just over four ... View more

Hi everyone, This is my first time to the beyond blue community, and in fact the first time I'm reaching out for support. I'm a little lost where to start, so bear with me if you will. I'm originally from the UK and moved to Australia just over four years ago with my wife. Last year I had possibly one of the most rewarding / challenging years of my life. Not least including: starting a new business (and hiring / firing employees), the birth of my first child, a dozen or so Interstate trips, a few international trips, moving house and most devastatingly the loss of my mother (that lived in the UK). Needless to say the roller coaster of these events has worn me down, and had me on my knees for a few months. For the best part, I'm no stranger to adversity and have coped with most of the challenges as best as anyone can / could. However, the loss of my Mother has stayed with me, and I regularly feel the weight of the loss. I was able to return to the UK for her funeral, and to help my sister with as much of the 'tidying' as I could (with a 9 month old baby and wife in tow). The relationship with my Sister was very strained (she was Mum's primary carer, as Mum got worse), and she made the situation a lot more difficult at the time than was needed (thankfully this is somewhat resolved now - Oddly her behaviour was her way of coping too I guess). Mum was only 62 when she passed, and I certainly feel like she was stolen from us to soon. I hate not having her in my life to share the joy of my baby growing up and to be the wonderful grandmother I knew she could have been. I'm not afforded much time to indulge in self-reflection between family & work, but often find myself feeling down, sad and sometimes in tears thinking of Mum. I know that a lot of this is normal giving the loss of such an important person in my life, and that it's certainly not unique, I'm just struggling to find a mechanism to process the loss and to relieve some of the anxiety I think I have. Having a (now) 16 month baby around to keep me occupied, certainly does a pretty good job at keeping my mind on the positives of life, but (between that and work) it also restricts how & when I can grieve. I'm sad to say I've (verbally) snapped at my wife once or twice when I've been feeling down, and she hasn't been able to see that I was sad (she's not a mind reader, so I certainly don't blame her!). I know I'm the only one that can pull myself out of grieving, and that it's not necessarily a pain that ever goes all together, but I'm keen to hear other people's advice on how I can navigate this loss and learn to reflect on the positives of Mum's life so I can learn to be positive once more and get back to enjoying life as an otherwise very lucky husband / father with a wonderful little family of my own.

Bridge my lovely dad
  • replies: 7

just need to say this: my dad is dying, not fast. maybe not fast enough. Each day or so I go and see him. he gets a bit more unravelled each day. each day another little piece of him that was there has disappeared. he is confused and anxious I am gri... View more

just need to say this: my dad is dying, not fast. maybe not fast enough. Each day or so I go and see him. he gets a bit more unravelled each day. each day another little piece of him that was there has disappeared. he is confused and anxious I am grieving. it makes me cry. Bridge

Fairlight I need to talk to someone.
  • replies: 1

While I understand that to you, the reader, who chances upon this thread will ultimately judge my post to be something along the lines of beating the dead horse - please bear with me as I simply have no one else to talk to regarding my issue.Long sto... View more

While I understand that to you, the reader, who chances upon this thread will ultimately judge my post to be something along the lines of beating the dead horse - please bear with me as I simply have no one else to talk to regarding my issue.Long story short, in late 2011 I met a girl who was and remained my everything until 2013. We were both emotionally invested in each other, but I would say now that I perhaps loved her too much. A few things happened during the later years of our relationship, namely, some cheating, dishonesty and just a general lack of trust. After a rocky last few months, I nominated that a perhaps a few months' break would do us good by giving us space and clearing our minds. This went all and well, except for the fact that she never came back. However I don't blame her at that point, we were both hurting and a lot of what we were doing was not beneficial towards the relationship nor was it healthy what we were both going through.When she left, I didn't cope well. Mainly because I always knew that this day was coming, however I never made the effort to figure out what to do if it ever happened. I have friends but unfortunately I find it difficult to talk to them in regards to these topics as generally, we are just a bunch of cool dudes and nobody really wants to ruin the cool air by bringing up something that puts and elephant in the room.I used drugs to help me cope, and that lead me down a very destructive path in which I won't go through here, but least to say, it damaged me in a lot of ways, and in more ways, it set me back even further in the recovery process of forgetting her. Eventually I smartened up and got clean for a few months after the culmination of desperation, realisation, loathing and general unproductiveness started to set in. For a few weeks, I had a certain clarity which I had sorely missed from being constantly drugged up and miserable. This clarity allowed me to pull myself back together somewhat and to start on a, at least semi productive routine on my way to recovery.While I still maintain this sense of clarity, and while I have been clean for the most part of my recovery, there are always nights when my mind overwhelms me with thoughts thathurt me, and lately this has been happening more and more. Especially since I found out my ex has recently gotten with a guy.. with the same name as me. I am generally a smart guy, but when it comes to my ex, I am always hurting myself. I just needed to tell someone before this all conglomerated in my mind and ultimately causes me to end my sad excuse of an existence. I am also back on drugs and I while I know this is not helping with my recovery, it is helping me avoid the demons which haunt me. Ignorance never felt better in your veins.

Dysphoria my aged mother passed away last August and I am not coping very well
  • replies: 5

Hi, I am a female, aged 48 and my name as you can see is Dysphoria - a medical word that is used to describe a condition whereby one has feelings of being depressed and anxious and being restless due to this - a condition I was diagnosed with about 2... View more

Hi, I am a female, aged 48 and my name as you can see is Dysphoria - a medical word that is used to describe a condition whereby one has feelings of being depressed and anxious and being restless due to this - a condition I was diagnosed with about 20 years ago and one I'm sure just about everyone here can probably relate to. I've been troubled my mental illness just about all my life and while I've had many ups and downs, I've been on something of a downswing lately. That although we had issues and there was no really love lost on my side of things, my aged mother passed away last August and I am not coping very well. At least I think this is what my problem is.... Life is difficult lately - financially and otherwise - I don't sleep much, have no interest in anything and am not eating very well. Has anyone else had experiences of the passing away of someone they like to add?

StephenP watching her fade away
  • replies: 1

This is my first post here, my wife of 37 years is suffering from terminal cancer. She has been fighting it for nearly 3 years now but for the past 2 weeks she has gone down hill fast and now is on end of life program . She's at home and my daughter ... View more

This is my first post here, my wife of 37 years is suffering from terminal cancer. She has been fighting it for nearly 3 years now but for the past 2 weeks she has gone down hill fast and now is on end of life program . She's at home and my daughter and I am caring for her. However I still have to work to pay the bills. I'm not getting much sleep because she needs me through the night with anxiety attacks and pain so I have to give subcut injections and administer all her medication . I' m sacred not just for me but for her as well,I don't know exactly what to do I feel totally useless that I cant fix this .I want to cry but cant as I don't want her to feel that I cant cope, she's scared enough and doesn't want to leave me. I have friends and family staying in contact, but I still feel alone and watching her slow fade is killing me ,I just don't know what to do.

annhd Fed up crying
  • replies: 1

I'm new here but desperately need someone to talk to, to offload. I have been married for 36yrs but the last 14 have been hell. He has lied and cheated and left me feeling so low and unwanted. We had 3 kids and now I have 4 grandchildren and if it wa... View more

I'm new here but desperately need someone to talk to, to offload. I have been married for 36yrs but the last 14 have been hell. He has lied and cheated and left me feeling so low and unwanted. We had 3 kids and now I have 4 grandchildren and if it wasn't for them, who knows what. My husband always found someone in his office to start an emailing affair with and i always found out, even when he worked overseas but there it got personal, actual affairs. We would separate and he would always end up coming back telling me he loved me and didn't want anyone else but there was a catch. He is diabetic and had trouble in the bedroom, but it didn't seem to stop him trying with other women but I got told he wasnt interested in sex anymore. I tried getting him to get us help but he would get angry and tell me to just accept he had no interest. Liar!! what he means is he has no interest with me. After his last email affair with a work collegue that I found out about, I got angry and threw him out and sent an email to all his bosses. He was afraid he would lose his job and ended up going to counselling with me. We ended up moving to Africa with his work, a new start he said but after 3 months I was coming home to see the kids and the night before I left I saw an email he had sent to a woman asking her to meet him in Singapore where he was going for a meeting so once again I told him it was over.We were apart for about 2yrs, I was living back in Perth and he was in Africa and then got a move to Singapore. We eventually started emailing back and forth and he was telling me how depressed he was and he wanted to prove to me that I was what he wanted. He was getting a move with his work to New Zealand and he wanted me to go to. He came home for a week or so and everything seemed fine, I asked him if he had anything to tell me about any relationships he had while we were apart and of course he said there was nothing, he wasn't interested in anyone. I told him I would move but we would have to get some proffessional help for our relationship and he agreed. So like an idiot I moved to NZ. Things went well, we got on well but he didn't make a move to get help, I asked and asked. Then one day while I was clearing out some of the removalists boxes I came across a pack of viagra with one tablet left, i questioned him and he said it was old, from Africa. I knew he was lying because the foil was still like new. Then I was on his computer one day and found some emails and photos of when he lived in Singapore, he had a girlfriend when he was there! They got very personal and in the emails he was telling her how he enjoyed kissing and carressing and that the only reason he wasn't divorced was financial reasons, it would cost him too much. As i was reading all this I was crying. I packed my stuff and came back to Perth. He ended up changing jobs and coming back to Perth, we still had our house here and he moved in downstairs. I can't understand how he could try so hard with other women but not for me, the one he keeps saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He has since went to work in America for 6months, it is over, I had enough of his lies and I told him this before he left. I am just so hurt. To crown it all off, my daughter is now in prison for drugs. She has been since Sept last year and will be released December 2014. She had a baby girl who is now 1yr old and I have been visiting them twice a week since Sept. She has changed, learnt her lesson and will never go back, I know this. I just feel like I am here for everyone else but no-one gives a toss about me. I am so down I just cry and cry if it wasn't for my grandkids I think I would just disappear, run away somewhere where nobody knows me. I am fed up pretending, putting on a smile if I step out the door, smiling if I meet someone I know telling them it's OK. It's not OK. My life wasn't meant to be like this. Why wasn't I enough? I tried everything. Now I am left here I feel alone. I feel nobody wants me. I wouldn't do anything stupid to myself, my daughter and granddaughter count on me. I am fed up crying and crying.

Nige_S_E I don't want to take the next step
  • replies: 2

Two weeks after new years eve my wife of 13yrs dropped the bomb on me, "I love you but am not in love with you." I immediately went into all the natural panic reactions and tried to save our marriage, we have 3 kids - 12, 9 & 3 and up until now our m... View more

Two weeks after new years eve my wife of 13yrs dropped the bomb on me, "I love you but am not in love with you." I immediately went into all the natural panic reactions and tried to save our marriage, we have 3 kids - 12, 9 & 3 and up until now our marriage had been good. We get on well, rarely fight are compatible on just about everything we do, and all of a sudden this. We spent the next 4 months in limbo, with alternate times of closeness and intimacy switched with times of absolute withdrawal from me, just as she stated she thought we could be ok and make it work she suddenly switched and 4 weeks later it's over. We have been separated for two weeks now and I just don't get it. We are close and she is determined to maintain a very good relationship, it is very confusing, she tells me she loves me, that she can't imagine me not in her life, she calls me darl yet is adamant it's over. Me, I'm devastated and just can't believe it's over, or understand how or why. It just doesn't make sense to me. I know I need to start detangling myself from her but I just don't want to, we had a good relationship right up to the day it ended and I'm really not sure it's over for good. I want to hold on but probably shouldn't. She has even asked me to stay in the house with the family, we plan on moving up the coast at the end of the year and still will, she wants us to live together and settle into the new town before we separate into different homes, for the kids and to support each other. I know this is a highly unusual situation but i've agreed to try it, in fact I want to do it so I can stay with my kids and be near her - she does still provide me with enormous love and support. I guess I'm lucky she didn't just up and leave but I still have daily crying episodes where it just knocks me off my feet, i still feel like I've been ripped in half and a piece of me is missing, I still miss her even though we're in the same house. I decided my first step needed to be dividing up our financial affairs, she readily agreed (which made me sad because it was more a manipulation tactic I think) and we'll just share costs and in one way I can stop thinking of us as an "us." I don't want to though, I think she's having a mid life crisis and if I hang on we just might fix it all when she comes out the other side, I'm probably deluding myself. How do you make that step, the first one, the one I so badly want to avoid?

Jo3 Lost all my friends
  • replies: 15

Hi everyone I have just lost my last close friend - and it's all my fault. When all this childhood abuse stuff came out 4 years ago, I had a few friends that supported me greatly. And I really appreciated their support. But this morning a close frien... View more

Hi everyone I have just lost my last close friend - and it's all my fault. When all this childhood abuse stuff came out 4 years ago, I had a few friends that supported me greatly. And I really appreciated their support. But this morning a close friend (or so I thought) told me that she can't have me talk about my stuff anymore, not about the abuse, the psych sessions anything. She said she has had enough and can't do it. She said she had to see a psychologist to help her tell me. I felt guttered and now have lost all my friends. I didn't realise that I was taking her time and my issues were interfering with her life. She never mentioned it to me in the four years that we have been catching up. So now I am friendless, no one to talk to; no one to vent to or even have a coffee with. It's all gone - and it's all my fault. This is one example of borderline personality disorder that I have been diagnosed with. And I hate it so much, I really do. I hate myself for being like this, i have no one know. it's all gone. i don't know what to do anymore, my day has spiralled down so much that i just want to hide away. It's never ending and i don't know if i can do this anymore. it sucks, it's horrible and i am to blame. Jo