Lost my father

[calico22]

Today I lost my dad. He was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago and he died today. We were able to look after him at home for the last week. I'm extremely close to my father. I became sick in my early 20's and my parents looked after me. I left home for a while but then my mum and dad had health issues so I moved back in with them for the last few years.

I'm feeling a complete overwhelming panic. I don't know how I'm going to continue without him. He was the strong one in the family. I still suffer with my health and my mum is quite weak. How do I stop the panic? The thought that I don't know how we are going to cope without him. I feel so numb. I still can't believe he has gone. I feel like I'm pretending he is just away or in hospital. How do I keep the panic at bay? How do I do this? How do I keep going with just my mum and me. I'm so grateful I still have her but they were extemely close. Married 59 years. What if I lose her then I'm completely alone. I don't do alone well. And I don't have anyone that I can get to move in. I'm terrified of being alone and now with dad gone I feel it's just a matter of time. My health really hampers being able to do things and get out of the house.

 What do I do how do I get past this huge thing that has happened. He hasn't even been gone for a day yet and I'm already a wreck.

[AGrace]

Hi Calico,

Firstly I wanted to say I'm terribly sorry for your loss, it sounds like you and your dad had a very close relationship, and I have no doubt he will continue to watch over you to keep you safe.

Secondly, welcome to the forums and thank you for being brave enough to share you experience with us. The loss of a loved one is such a tragic experience to go through and I hope here you will find the support you need to continue to move forward.

I also wanted to mention that this is still very new to you, so it's completely understandable that you would feel panicked and a little all over the place. Grieving will take time, a lot longer than a day, so please allow yourself to move through this grief process at your own pace. There is no race to the finish line and it's really important that you grieve properly. When I say properly, there is no one way that is right or wrong. There are certainly stages that you will go through but they don't follow a linear pattern, you will find that you will move back and forth between the stages as time continues on. It might be worth looking up the 7 stages of grief online to give yourself an idea of some of the feelings that might show up along this journey.

When someone passes it is natural to have a lot of what if questions. There are no set answers to your questions so I will not try to reply to them. Only to say that you, like all others before you, are strong enough to get through this. The human spirit is such a strong and remarkable thing, you will be surprised by what you and your mum can endure.

As I have said, give yourself some time right now, try not to think too far into the future - the future will always be there, these moments that you have right now to begin healing are what's most important at the minute.

Do you have any extended family or friends that you can surround yourself with right now? If so then you might like to be around them even if just for a sense of normalcy. If not continue posting here, you will be surprised in the support that you will receive, and often it can be helpful to chat with others who have also been through loss and grief.

Please take care x

AGrace

[Jacko777]

Hi Calico22,

So sorry to hear of your loss, I hope you have the space to grieve. 

I know how you feel right now and it will take some time to feel better. I echo the lovely words of AGrace.

Your Father will always be in your heart Calico, you will always be able to ask him questions and you know what he will say. He will always be a part of you, you are not alone.

I send you love.

[calico22]

Thank you so much for your replies I really appreciate it. I do have family older brothers and their wives but there is a big age gap and they don't live close to us and have their own lives. Our friends via our religion  have been awesome I do have a lot more support than I know a lot of people have. We have had lots of meals brought to us by our friends so we don't have to think of cooking etc. I guess my worry is when everyone goes home and we have to try to live without dad.

I am coping slightly better today and will definitely take your advice and do one day at a time and look up that info you mentioned as well. I think the panic will be something that will happen off and on all the time. I'm trying really hard not to worry about the future that is my big downfall as I suffer with really severe anxiety and a big trigger for me is anxiety about the future. I try so hard to control it but it's a constant battle. I think once we are on our own I will definitely be visitng this forum more because it's going to be hard.

[Jacko777]

I am glad you have support.

Later on we can talk about meditation. I think this could help you a lot with your anxiety about the future. Meditation helps us to train the brain to focus, if you can keep your mind focused in each present moment you will create your future instead of worry about it.

[geoff]

dear Calico, I read your post yesterday and so much wanted to reply to you, but something happened to my pc and when it became functioning again I couldn't find your post.

I would like to offer you my most sincere condolences for the loss of your dad, and who was married for such an extraordinary time.

Losing someone so close and who you respected and loved so much, will never be easy to handle, it never has been, and never will be in the future, and only time will lessen the loss, but your memories of all the good times can never be taken away from you.

At the moment you can share the good times, the funny experiences and the not so good with your mum, because at the moment you both need each other, as her health isn't the best plus you have your own health issues, so can we continue this post as it's got a journey as I'm sure there are lots for you to tlk about.

Take care. Geoff.

[calico22]

We had my dad's memorial service today. Over 250 people attended and it was perfect. So happy with how it went. However I am now starting to panic a bit. My brother and his wife will be leaving us on Monday. Obviously they have to get on with their lives and we have to as well but to be completely honest I'm terrified of it just being my mum and I. She is really struggling and I honestly don't think that the loss of dad has really hit us yet. We have our weeping moments but we just feel like dad is in hospital or away we don't feel like we have lost him.
I'm scared what will happen when reality hits. Today was about dad and his life and we had so much support and love shown to us and to my dad. But now it's just mum and I and some how I have to get past this fear of something happening to mum and being alone with it. I know it's stupid to think this way and I'm trying to stop the fear but I feel at the moment I'm fighting a  losing battle. How do I help my mum when the grief really hits her? Do I just let her deal with it how she needs to and just be there for comfort and support?

Thank you for your comments everyone I do apprecaite having somewhere I can come to talk it out.

[geoff]

dear Calico, the number of the people attending this service must have been so reassuring, but it might have been too much for your mum and yourself to take in all the compliments but I'm sure it was lovely.

I can see the question you have asked and I'm sure that it includes for yourself, because there will be a time when it's just you, but at the moment you are there to love and support your mum, because there will be times when she remembers the joys and the sadder experiences in their long marriage, so be a part of this.

People grieve in their own way, some they will share and some they will keep locked up to themselves but you won't be able to push someone who is grieving, they need time, sometimes they may fall into depression while other times they level out.

I hope that her recovery as well as yours is one that enjoys all the happy times in  their life and I'm sure there were many.

I also hope that you can stay on the site and let us know how you and your mum are going. Geoff.

[calico22]

It's been 2 weeks now since we lost dad and it's so hard. Last night my mum had the worst anxiety/panic attack she has ever had. It started about 11pm and she finally felt better around 1.30am. I'm so stressed myself now that I don't know how to keep going. I'm also exhausted. I would just love to sleep and sleep and wake up feeling better. I know that won't be happening but I just would love some relief from the feelings of panic or anxiety. I'm also really emotional. I'm crying at the drop of a hat which is usually what my mum is like however she can't cry. She gets emotional but can't cry. That is worrying her but I said to her that everyone is different it doesn't mean she didn't love dad it just means she isn't ready to cry yet if she ever does.

 She phoned the counseller today that we were offered through palliative care and she has recommended mum goes to see her doctor for a complete checkup and to make sure her medications are still working properly and not making her feel worse. I think she needs someone to talk to and also someone to teach her what to do when she feels these

anxiety attacks coming on. Last night I was so exhausted and nothing I tried to do to help her was working. It was so bad that at one point she wanted me to take her to hospital. But I said to her she got through it. It didn't kill her so if it happens again she will get through it.

 I still feel that dad is just away somewhere. I can't believe that I won't see him again. It's so hard to be happy or enjoy anything at the moment. We are on our own now. The last 5 weeks have been so crazy full of stress, emotion etc. Then we have the service and everyone goes and leaves us on our own and that has made it harder I think. I know they would have had to leave at some stage but even a couple of days might have helped.

I don't know I just feel so weird at the moment. I feel like

I' m right on the edge

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[Jacko777]

Hi Calico22,

I agree, it would be good if you can get your mum to the Doc so she can find some appropriate preventatives for anxiety attacks.

I know how you feel about your Dad, it does feel weird, I felt the same when my father passed away. It is tragic and it doesn't seem fair. However I can tell you that over time these strong emotions reduce, and we can practice loving our lost ones rather than missing them and grieving over the loss. Think of your Dad with love. I found that my grief took it's own course, i let it come out when it had to, I guess everyone responds/reacts differently.

I know it is 'hard to be happy or enjoy anything at the moment.' Just try and do something nice, take mum somewhere new each day, cafe, park or such, take some time out to focus on something relaxing. It has been a tough time, take it easy on yourself.

Love to you all.