Double the loss

[kitkt]

Hello,

I am new to this, really, I have no ideas what I am even going to say. I am not sure how to deal with my shock and sadness. I am however seeing a doctor and a counselor (for bipolar, depression, anxiety and follow-up DV from 2 years ago).

I figured on here wont hurt! 

2 months ago we found out my father (73) had terminal cancer, 5 weeks later he passed away, 13 days later my husband left me and drained all of our bank accounts. This was my 2nd marriage, we only been married 2.5 years - this is the 4th time he had left me.

I have been delivered the cruelest double wammy.

I miss my Dad more than I could ever have imagined. He was always there to celebrate my achievements, to deal with my issues, he was my rock when things went wrong in my life. But I feel like I have been robbed my grieving time and energy for my father, as I am hurt and trying to work out what to do now my husband has gone. 

Is this something that happens ... ever?

Do some people just decide it will be too hard to support their spouse as they grieve the loss of their loved ones? 

k.

[white knight]

Hi kk, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

yes, it does happen at the strangest of times. Separation that is. There is never a "good" time.

The real crime is depleting your accounts and not remaining at least friendly about it IMO. Taking all your monies is - bordering on cruel and certainly unfair.

I can only suggest you think about yourself now. It's time to close that door on your life, consolidate and move forward like your dad would want for you.

This is a time to walk proud that you didnt do the wrong thing and get your quality of life back.

Tony WK

[kitkt]

Thank you for your reply WK

I am at a loss to understand how this happened and what I should feel.

I am grieving for my father. and not wanting to grieve for the breakdown of my marriage. 

my kids are very supportive, as are my other family members, but here i go again ... 2nd marriage failure. i feel like such a failure. 

i am again depending on centrelink for an income (that isn't much, but appreciated), as my first ex-husband doesnt have a job, so he only pays the absolute minimum child support. 

here we are, almost at CHristmas time. i just don't feel like celebrating at all. i spend each and every day sad and crying and simply getting through.

but i guess i am lucky, there are others much worse off than me. but i feel so lowly.

kitk@t

[white knight]

Hi Kit@kt,

Best thing to do right now is wipe off xmas as your season to be jolly and focus on next xmas as the best xmas you have ever had.

Turn all things into positives. Once you ahve that knck you never lose it.

eg  your second marriage gone down the plug hole....good, best to separate from someone so toxic and making life a misery. Your dad passing, he is in no more pain and twilight years can be miserable. He would be proud of you and how you are going to cope through all of this. And certainly proud of you for that last sentence you wrote - above.

I get real angry at dads that pay minimal amount of child support. I struggled financially for many years (14) and never had one late payment, and my payments were very high AND I helped in areas I didnt need to like clothing and entertainment, school fees. Yet my sister struggled for many years in your situation. Seems some dads feel its easier staying on the dole . lets hope your ex gets a job soon.

Read the xmas stories on this forum. I wrote my story of 1994 when my kids got a beach ball each for xmas and a stocking of lollies. they were really happy that xmas.

Life if what you make of it. And there are highs and lows. Keep your spirits alive.

And one day you'll look back at this struggle with pride. I still tell my grown up kids about my struggles with 3 jobs, building my own home by hand and out times of poverty.

Be proud. They'll be many more xmas's left.

Tony WK

[kitkt]

Thank you, your reply was lovely and brought tears to my eyes.

One day I hope to let go and not wonder so much about the injustices of my two ex-husbands, learn from the experiences and not repeat them.  

I would have liked an explanation.

Wishing you and yours a merry Christmas.

kitk@t