Trying to cope day by day

[pinnky]

This year is 3 years since my mother passed of cancer. It was so bad and I'm so pissed off. they like found something ages before but said it was nothing and then 2012 she had a fall at home and was having seizures and I was in shock and crying and then she went to hospital and then they found lumps on her brain and then it just spread every were and in the blood and then she went down hill. I was lucky anuff that there was a trial drug and that gave her months till she passed Jan 2013 in that time I saw her go from what she was to what she ended up like she was. She ended up having lots of seizures but there was nothing any one could do. I didn't even like spending time with my own mother as I would worry that she would have a seizure and that felt bad. I was an still am grateful my grandma and her partner could take her in and look after her. My mum ended up having one more seizure and ended up in hospital and couldn't talk or swallow and got annoyed cause she couldn't go to the toilet by her self. In the end she was not given any pain meds and then went peacefully. I'm glad she got to meet my now husband and new he would look after me. Im glad he was and is my rock. I now have anxiety and depression and agoraphobia. it was really bad. I used to be able to not be left alone and now i can stay at home by my self. I'm having trouble going out to places by myself as I think something bad will happen. I've just been able to go round the block and down into the servo. I cant go anywhere else by myself. Its relay hard as my hubby cant get work unless its at night when I'm asleep. I have to have a phone with me so i feel safe. I had a baby and it hurts that my mums not here to see her to hold her to hear her talk to find out her name. she always wanted me to have kids  and now I have one its hard shes not here as she would of been so good with her. I get sad when other ladies who are around mums age hold her and it makes me want to see that with my mum. I find it hard some time to look after my own baby sometimes when i used to be really good with babies. I have a amazing friend whose like the big sister I never had and she has been through things with me and that's helped having a female around. I also have a neighbor who kind of reminds me of my own mum and its nice to go sit with her. 

 even thought I have these women and am very great full for them I still feel lost hurt and some days just want to cry and do cry. I find it hard to get up in the morning.

[Neil_1]

Dear Pinky

I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum – cancer is an evil disease and how it attacks the body – and reduces the person to a mere shadow of what they were.  I lost my Dad to leukemia (2007) and I lost my Mum in October last year to cancer.  It’s hard and will remain being so.

I can understand where you are coming from with all that you’ve written – and that’s coming from a bloke’s point of view and yes, the thought processes that you’re having, I believe are only natural.  With regard to wanting your Mum to see your baby, to hold your baby, and all that you’ve mentioned;  but it does sound really good that you’ve got some other people who are providing you with support during this time.

I hope this doesn’t sound or come out cliched, but with regard to your baby, your Mum would want you to be the best Mum “you” can possibly be and to raise your beautiful little daughter in the most loving, caring and warm environment possible.

It’s really not fair how life pans out for some people and you can always look towards others in the community and think of how their situation seemingly looks better than yours – but that can never be the case;  and to be honest, by just looking at others and thinking those kinds of things, well you really don’t know their own private situation and it could be that they aren’t like the Cosby Show family either.   I don’t know why I put this paragraph in.

You know what – when you get to that stage of wanting to cry and cry;  if it is all possible, you really should let it go and cry – because I feel that it’s still you grieving for the loss of your Mum and being able to let go of some emotion that’s within, can be a very good thing.

One last thing – knowing that you used to be very good with babies is a major plus.  You won’t have lost that skill – I would think it’s just like riding a bike;  once you have that skill, you don’t lose it and I am very confident that your daughter will cared for, loved and loved massively and bought up in the most amazing family environment that you can give to her.

Pinky, I hope even a little bit of my above words have helped and I really hope you’re able to come back and post again.

Kind regards

Neil