how much can one person handel ! :(

[tashi]

i have a huge heaviness in my heart these days. im 21 years old and have just found out my father has a very agressive cancer and has been told by doctors that they cannot cure him of cancer only help maintain  quality of life for as long as possible. i dont even know how to handle the emotions surrounding this issue. i live 4 hours away from him with my partner, whom ive been with for 4 years and starting to build a life with. my first instinct was wanting to go home to my family, but my dad does not want this and my partner cannot come with me if i chose to go. but my heart is tearing my in so many direction.

on a different note my partner is so unhappy. i have no idea what is going on im trying to be there and be understanding,and try to support his life plans for us, but i have so much sadness in my heart right now i dont know how to hold things together for the both of us its all becoming so hard and stressfull. and there seems so be no happiness in our lives right now and i really dont want everything to come crumbeling down 😞 please can anyone relate !

[Neil_1]

Dear Tashi

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

Oh Tashi, I can relate and I feel so much for you – and for your Dad.  (I’ll chat about your partner a bit later).

I’ve been through this sort of thing, twice now.  Seven years ago with my Dad;  and then October last year with my Mum.  They lived approx. 3 hours from me.  The thing I did and at least have found relief in my heart that I did do this, was to go back and be there.   I wasn’t there all the time, but I did go back quite a bit – although it did vary in both cases due to the different stages they were at.

I guess the big question for you is whether you’re able to do this?   Ie:   do you work and will you need to seek appropriate leave to get time off?   If so, it can be done under “Carer’s Leave” for a little while and then other types can be used.

And yes, your Dad WILL say not to come, as did mine, but the look on his face each time he saw me, made me realise that I did do the right thing.

In the first instances, it wouldn’t be necessary for your partner to go with you and in these times, I sure hope that your partner is going to be accepting of you going (if that is what you decide).

I’ll send this off now, and do hope to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[tashi]

Thank you for reply means a lot that you can relate.  I do try to travel down as much as possible I just struggle with the money side of thing's.  My partner said he would think its strange if I didnt want to go down haha but we are in the middle of trying to buy  house . I just feel like my chest is so tight with anxiety  to much is happening . My dad is ok for now I just dont want to miss out on all the great memories while hes healthy . Never thought I'd be going through this at 21

[Neil_1]

Hi Tashi

Thanx heaps for your latest response.

Ain't it always the way - that damn thing called "money" is a problem for so many of us.  Not fair in a way, but what can we do?

We've got to release that tension that you're feeling within you.  I think one way to do that would be to try and set yourself up with a goal for doing something with your Dad in the coming weeks or months?  Somehow to organise where you can go and visit and be with him;  but to also see if you're able to do something special with him.   Now not knowing you or your Dad, that is very difficult for me to give examples for you.

But for my Dad, I organised two trips to Melbourne (from rural NSW) where I drove Dad to Melbourne in winter time;  and we stayed two nights there.  One afternoon we went to the races and the following day, we went to see an AFL game (watching our fave team).  We did this two years in a row and we enjoyed ourselves massively.  It was Dad's first trip to Melbourne since 1956.

Now while money may be a factor, it doesn't have to be something as big as that, but try to think what he enjoys and where you might be able to take him too;  or do something with him, where you can both share the interest together.

Just thoughts; I'll send this off now and if something rings a bell for you, I'd really love to hear from you - or if you need other thoughts, I'm only too happy to try to help.

Kind regards

Neil

[tashi]

Thank you for the reply

Yeah I think your right I just want to spend as much time as possible . We love the ocean so lots of trips to the beach for us 🙂 any time spent together is good time