Loss of an unborn child.

[Justtrying]

My partner and I recently lost our bubba at 15 weeks pregnant.  The grief of this has torn us apart after nearly three years together. We are in our late teens/early twenties, which complicates it further being young. I have both diagnosed anxiety and depression prior to this event. I strongly suspect my partner has both too but I can't support him in a way that can convince him to get any help and I am very concerned as he has spoken openly of sucide. 

I have reached breaking point with this and other stresses in my life.

I guess im just hoping someone who has been through something similar might have some advice to offer.

Thanks either way

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[Doolhof]

Dear Justtrying,

My heart goes out to you and your partner. I do have a great understanding of how you are feeling. Just briefly about myself, I have been pregnant 5 times and have no live children. I was never able to get past 21 weeks gestation. Our babies born at 20 and 21 weeks were just too young to ever survive and died during the birthing process.

Do you both have people/professionals/family/ friends who can help and support you at this time? Are you seeing a Dr/psychologist/grief counsellor for help and advice?

I was put in contact with a group called S.A.N.D.S. something like "Stillbirth and Neo-natal Death Support." Please ask your Dr for advice on people who can understand and empathise with you and with the grief you are feeling. Use the internet/phonebook/Beyond Blue phone line helpers, anyone you can think of to receive all the help you can manage right now.

It is very important to realise that both you and your partner are going to grieve over the loss of your pregnancy and your baby differently. My husband copes by not mentioning our children at all. It was our son's 21st anniversary this year and it was the most lonely and devastating day I had ever experienced because due to my depression I thought there was absolutely no one I could share that day with.

Also please realise that myself and other people are going to say things to you that will hurt you deeply, even though that certainly is not my or their intention. Your fellings and emotions are very raw. People just don't know what to say some times. Many Drs told me I could just get pregnant again and everything would be fine. Tell your family and friends what you need right now, if you don't know tell them that as well, just let them know if you want them to be around you right now.

I have found it comforting to name all of my babies, even the ones who died from miscarriage at 12 weeks. They are still my babies and I will always love their memory and wish they were here with me.

It may help to start a journal. To write down how you are feeling. To "write" to your baby and express how you are feeling.

(something weird happened here so I will continue in another post)

[Doolhof]

Maybe plan some sort of event or ceremony to say goodbye to your child. Light a candle, let go of a balloon or a bunch of balloons! Do something that is significant to you.

I started to gather special memories in decorative boxes and containers. Things like cards I received from people who knew of the loss of our baby. A friend had made a knitted cardigan, so I kept that. Friends gave me flowers so I kept a few of those and pressed them.

You will need to find what will help you along. Look up grief on the computer and discover all you can about he process that happens when people grieve.

Cut yourself and your partner some slack over your emotions and depressions. Don't expect him to react the way you might hope him to, as if it is not in his character he will not be able to give you the support you need right now. And he may feel you can not be there for him in the way he needs right now either.

I dislike the expression that it all takes time, but it does. Sometimes we need time and space.

Just this morning I told my Mother in Law that the special rosses in the garden are in memory of our children, and I used their names. I am not sure what she thought of that as she only said Oh! Maybe she didn't know what else to say and that is okay.

It doesn't matter if you are young or at the end of your child bearing years, the loss of a pregnancy can be so very devastating and depressing. Please look for ways to help you both through this.

Don't feel ashamed or allow others to make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your tears. I was caring for a 96 year old lady who cried with me when one of my babies died. She had oceans of tears for a baby of hers who had died 70 years earlier.

I'm not saying there will always be pain, sadness, depression, grief and a huge black cloud of loss in your life. What I am saying is that when those emotions and feelings happen, it is okay.

I will end this now as I could write on forever about this subject! My heart does go out to you both. I hope some of what I have shared has helped in some way. Please let me know and others too as to how you are getting on.

Love and hugs from one woman to another,

From Mrs. Dools

[jaxonsmumma2014]

Hi there.

we lost our first baby, a little boy on the 19.11.14, i was 20w my solider lived for 2 hours. I'm 23 and my partner is 21. In hospital I started a journal writing to my baby, which I wont show to anyone. I have a bear, his photo/ ultrasound photo and a candle on my dresser, at the funeral we realesed a big bunch of balloons, men show they're feelings alot different to us, my partner became angry (very) after bub passed I guess that's his way of dealing with things you obviously both loved bub and were excited for the future with the baby but unfortunately it isn't happening the way you hoped it would getting pregnant so soon after (especially if your feeling quite depressed) doesn't seem like a good idea as with some people they cant bond with the new bub, I know I'm scared  of falling pregnant again as my baby passed due to a massive placental abruption and I couldn't cope loosing another baby but if you feel your ready then go for it! It may be just what you need

Take each day as it comes and don't try and be strong, I listen to my baby's funeral songs often they're amazing but make me

bawl my eyes out..

smallest and wingless"- Craig cardiff

glory baby-watermark

your the strongest person there is.. A bereaved mother, hopefully your days get easier and your heart mends itself.rest easy little angels

xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Jaxonsmumma,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here as well. For many people sharing the death of their child with people in a "community" like this is easier than trying to feel like family and friends understand.

I know my in-laws have their own way of dealing with my grief and the death of our babies. I need to acknowledge and respect how they choose to or not to think about our babies and how their death still affects me.

My husband was really angry too and for quite some time. It is very difficult when you are in any situation you can not control, and death is one of those things we have so little control over.

As you wrote, some people find it very beneficial to try straight away for another baby, some wait a while, years or don't try again.

I think the best thing is to ask your Dr. for all the information you need to make a decision between the two of you as to when/if you will try again. Seek grief counselling if you need it or would find it beneficial. Try to respect and acknowledge other people will not always respond to you how you wish they might!

Take one day at a time. Keep writing in your journal if it helps. Ask for help if you need it! Be kind to yourself.

I wish I had the words to express how much I care for you and for all people who have lost loved ones, especially those precious babies who have died before they have had a chance to live.

Huge hugs to you, from Mrs. Dools

[puska]

Dear Just trying,

My heart goes out to you. I lost babies prior to 12 weeks, prior to 20 weeks and at 24  - 25 weeks.

It is very, very difficult for families who experience miscarriage and need to have the capacity to recognise the importance of their little person which loss at 20 weeks plus gives.

There are organisations or support groups for miscarriage that may help you.Most can be googled for details.

You will have experienced shock and trauma and depending on its severity counsellors can help you.

I understand your partner does not feel that counselling is an option and this is not unusual but it could help you.

EMDR helped me get over flashbacks and distress and if not considered appropriate for you the counsellor may suggest an alternative.

Your feelings won't just disappear - they need to be managed in order for you to heal.

People, even your family won't know what to say and those who have experienced what you are going through will have difficulty knowing what to say because they understand the pain or experienced their emotions differently.

The pain does lessen with time. Your memory will still be acute, even 20 years later but the pain is not acute any more. memories will always be tinged with sadness for the dreams you carried but that's OK. This child was important.

For me, delving into spirituality helped a great deal. I am not religious, but the development of my sprituality helped me construct a supportive belief system that helped me to make sense of what happened.

I wish the two of you the best of health and healing. Take each day at a time - each step at a time. I believe it helps to find a counsellor you can feel comfortable with - if for nothing else but to talk. If you are not a talker they still have ways they can help you work towards feeling better and managing life.

[Doolhof]

Hi Puska,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I have experienced 5 pregnancy losses, and have not managed my grieving process very well at all, until now. It has been 30 years since my first baby died early in pregnancy.

I have now managed to find a counsellor who is willing to help me grieve and become whole again. I've encountered professional people in the past who have told me I should be thankful I don't have children, so it is wonderful to find someone who can show me understanding.

I'm hoping Just Trying is doing okay. I feel so much for anyone who has experienced the death of a child under any circumstance.

Thanks again for sharing your story. Hugs to you, from Mrs. Dools