Grief and loss

Suicide 50 years ago

replies: 3

I find myself on here after all this time because, if there is something that the social media ought to be able to do, it ought to be able to connect people who otherwise would be isolated from each other. And I have been isolated from anyone by a bi... View more

I find myself on here after all this time because, if there is something that the social media ought to be able to do, it ought to be able to connect people who otherwise would be isolated from each other. And I have been isolated from anyone by a big and horrible word - suicide. More than fifty years ago my father committed suicide and I have never spoken about it with anyone even though I have come to the conclusion that I have to share this experience in order to deal with my feelings properly. Sound crazy? After 50 years! The problem has for me been the big wall of shame and secrecy behind which I have cowered all my life and I think now it has to stop - even if it is only in the "virtual" world that I am coming clean. I have had to speak about this stuff with my wife and three kids of course. And once I admitted to a colleague who was depressed, and whose own brother had committed suicide, that this is what my father had done. But that is it. In fifty years, that is it. For the rest of the time I have felt cripplingly and secretly ashamed of father while loving him at the same time. What happened caused a fair bit of damage as I am sure you can appreciate but, because of the nature of the trauma, I feel like I have not been entitled to deal with it openly / socially. It is like my relative died and was buried in unsanctified ground outside the churchyard. If anyone ever caught me standing with flowers in my hand at his graveside I would be giving the game away. Everyone would know my shame. I got the loss but It feels like I also lost the right to grieve. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience?

How to cope with Grief.

replies: 1

I was 9 years old when I and my 7 year old brother were alone in the house when we found my father had died in his sleep. In a cruel twist of faith almost 39 years to the day we found our 13 year old boy had also left us while gently sleeping. In my ... View more

I was 9 years old when I and my 7 year old brother were alone in the house when we found my father had died in his sleep. In a cruel twist of faith almost 39 years to the day we found our 13 year old boy had also left us while gently sleeping. In my mid 20's my brother and his friend were walking along a sea promenade in the middle of the afternoon and were both taken by a freak wave. They were never found. I guess that sort of qualifies me to speak about coping with grief. As a little boy I became aware early that I needed to make a decision. I could get all the sympathy and support I needed, but I never liked it. For some reason playing that card did not make me feel good. I didn't understand why at the time. The grief would occupy all of my mind and I found the same thoughts going around and around in my head. They weren't taking me anywhere. No parent should ever have to bury their children but it does happen. Yes of course I get a bite of pain when I see his friends now driving around in cars and wonder what life would be like if he was here. But this next paragraph, I believe, is the key to coping with grief. On one hand we have sadness, a sense of loss, confusion or maybe even anger. On the other we have pride, treasured memories and admiration. We have a choice which one we can put into our mind. The mind is like a computer. It will take and run whichever program we give it. I wake up on their birthdays and am immediately faced with a choice. THERE IS NO UPSIDE WITH SADNESS. So I swap a sense of loss with a sense of admiration. Of course I miss them and any psychologist would probably have a field day with me, but when I carry that sense of admiration around with me, and as those beautiful memories come forth, I develop a little inward smile that just radiates my day and lights up everything.

Anticipatory grief for my Dad

replies: 2

I moved to Australia from the UK just over three years ago for a two year secondment through work. Three months into my adventure here, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The day that they called to tell me, the first thing Dad told me was th... View more

I moved to Australia from the UK just over three years ago for a two year secondment through work. Three months into my adventure here, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The day that they called to tell me, the first thing Dad told me was that he didn't want me to stop having my adventures, that I was to continue living my life as normal and that was what he wanted. So I did. I've settled here and I love my life. This year I've fallen in love for the first time in my life and I should be happier than I have ever been... And some days I am. But my Dad's doctors have run out of options and he is deteriorating fast and I can't handle it. I'm going back for a visit soon, taking my boyfriend with me (it is so very important to me that he meets my family and now especially my Dad)... But I can't help but think that I'm going back to say my goodbyes to a man who I love dearly, that will not be around to walk me down the aisle, to see his grandchildren, to see my life here and realise why it makes me want to stay. And I don't know how to say goodbye. I feel selfish staying here and yet to go back to the UK would mean I'd just be going there to wait for him to pass, which neither him nor me really wants, I'm sure of it. And yet I feel like I've abandoned my family when they need me the most. I'm just sat at my desk at work crying right now, it's one of my bad days. I get good spells and bad spells and yesterday I got a message from Mum telling me that she thinks I'll be shocked at how much he has deteriorated and it's triggered another down spell... But I feel like I need to be strong for my parents because I'm not even there to see the reality of the situation, dealing with it day to day. If I can't cope with this, how am I going to cope when the inevitable time comes and he's no longer here?

Miscarriage bringing up old grief

replies: 4

Hi, I'm 44. I miscarried last May and I'm finding it tough going. It's bringing up post-traumatic-stress style old grief I have from my unhealthy mother-child relationship. I also have fibromyalgia and wonder if this is caused by the old, long-term g... View more

Hi, I'm 44. I miscarried last May and I'm finding it tough going. It's bringing up post-traumatic-stress style old grief I have from my unhealthy mother-child relationship. I also have fibromyalgia and wonder if this is caused by the old, long-term grief. I've basically carried this for my whole life and I'm not sure what it's like to feel 'normally' happy. I'm looking for helpful ways to express my grief, old and new, so I can stop holding onto it and live a proper life.

Loss of My Soulmate in a tragic accident at home

replies: 3

Hi everyone I lost my beautiful husband 7 weeks ago in a tragic accident at home. I had not been able to contact him during the morning so came home early from work to find the car he had been working on had crushed him when the jack stands collapsed... View more

Hi everyone I lost my beautiful husband 7 weeks ago in a tragic accident at home. I had not been able to contact him during the morning so came home early from work to find the car he had been working on had crushed him when the jack stands collapsed. My life has been turned upside down and a good nights sleep is a thing of the past. I am trying to deal with a couple of major issues - finding my gorgeous husband crushed under a car, losing my soulmate (we only met when I was 42 - I am now 55)), a financially motivated step son and people dropping out of my life left, right and centre. I am struggling to keep my head above water and have sought the assistance of a psychologist. My husband and I never fought as we discussed everything and always came to an agreement about everything. We had a rule that we never went to bed angry and we also parted each day with an "I love you". We spoilt each other rotten and did absolutely everything together so life now is extremely difficult. We were best friends and we crammed so much in our 12 years together that we felt like we had been married for 50 years. In fact, we lived life to the full. There are probably many more people on here that have sad or tragic stories, so any help you can offer me would be very much appreciated. Thank you Donna

suicide of close friend

replies: 5

I've been handling my mental health problems somewhat better lately. But 2 weeks ago a very good friend took his life whilst struggling with a very bad depression. For 9 or 10 days I cried alot or put it out my head, but at the end of last week that ... View more

I've been handling my mental health problems somewhat better lately. But 2 weeks ago a very good friend took his life whilst struggling with a very bad depression. For 9 or 10 days I cried alot or put it out my head, but at the end of last week that all changed. Whilst there is grief I also have a great deal of fear; that my mind can't cope with it all and I'll become ill and maybe very ill.To let you understand. J, another friend and I were very close friends because of our illness. I'd known J for over 15 years. Because we'd all been in a terrible place we understood each other and I would say that we knew each others illness better than anyone else. For 9 months was very ill and though he has family I was his only other confidant as for whatever reason he didn't want the other friend to know. We weren't constantly in touch but each call was charged with J's illness. Anyway, 2 weeks ago his wife rang to say he had taken his life. He'd never attempted suicide before. I think if he had I could have accepted it more easily but J was the greatest fighter I knew. Thank God I don't feel guilt. As I said I feel frightened. I went to see my gp yesterday. He asked me if I wanted to harm myself - I don't but the question really freaked me out as he never asks me that. I wanted him to say you'll be fine. He said he thinks I'll probably pick up but is seeing me in a month. I am so scared. Suicide frightens me so much and I have a very good idea where J was in his head. People tell me that I'm much better than I realise (I've been recovering for 13 years now). I have no confidence in my mind and I'm scared. The funeral is tomorrow and naturally it will be good to get it by. I just don't know where I am.Helenbeyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Double Whammy

replies: 3

Two weeks ago, one of my best friends died. An aneurysm. Sudden. Shocking. She was only 32. I'm moody. Teary. Irritable. So incredibly sad. I also live with my mother. She has terminal cancer. I try to juggle work (although, now four days a week) and... View more

Two weeks ago, one of my best friends died. An aneurysm. Sudden. Shocking. She was only 32. I'm moody. Teary. Irritable. So incredibly sad. I also live with my mother. She has terminal cancer. I try to juggle work (although, now four days a week) and caring for her. This is hard enough. I love her so much. Mum is the nicest, warmest most giving person... The loss of my friend has really exposed a nerve. Just so vulnerable and raw. I'm trying to grieve, but without overly affecting my mum. This morning I had meltdown over boiled eggs. Maybe it's too soon to expect normal 'reasoning'... I'm trying to live a simple life. Remove myself from stressful situations. I don't want the stresses of my corporate job. It's too much. I try to relax doing creative things. I create crochet hats for mum. Booties for my friend's kids. Scarves. I just feel so overwhelmed with sadness. I hate when people tell me to be strong for my mum. I mean 'wow, really, I'd never thought of that'. If only it was as simple as putting a smile on my face and everything would be ok. But it just doesn't work that way. I don't believe in prayer. I don't understand how prayer will fix mum's cancer cells. My father died from cancer 14 years ago. I'm an adult... but I'm an only child. There is no other family to help me. I think I need reassurance that my emotional state is not 'out of the ordinary' given my circumstances. Just struggling at the moment.

How do you find resilence

replies: 2

Hi Im new to this forum. Struggling at the moment. Lost my sister 6 months ago unexpectedly. Dad died when I was 13. Mum suicide when I was 14. My brother suicided in 96. Ive managed to keep it together till this year by pushing all the sadness and g... View more

Hi Im new to this forum. Struggling at the moment. Lost my sister 6 months ago unexpectedly. Dad died when I was 13. Mum suicide when I was 14. My brother suicided in 96. Ive managed to keep it together till this year by pushing all the sadness and grief into a back corner in my brain. For some reason cant do it now. Im just not sure where my resilence has gone. How do I find it again?

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

replies: 36

this is my first time here. i don't know where to turn as losing my son in January this year has killed my soul. i feel as if i have exhausted all the support i have had around me and i can see how everyone has gotten on with their lives and rightly ... View more

this is my first time here. i don't know where to turn as losing my son in January this year has killed my soul. i feel as if i have exhausted all the support i have had around me and i can see how everyone has gotten on with their lives and rightly so, but that's not where my life is at. this is the loneliest feeling i've ever experienced. it's so hard to listen to people talk about the struggles in their lives as i would give anything to swap my struggle with theirs, i find it difficult to not think of their "complaints or issues" as quite trivial, in fact but i do recall that given one year ago, i too was one of these people thinking i had problems. how a day can change your life, actually not even a day, just those crucial few minutes that you wish you could take back and change. i wish i had a mundane life again with trivial complaints. i feel the only place to turn now is here, where i can be anonymous, where maybe there is someone else feeling what i am feeling to help ease my feelings of loneliness. i don't like it when people say i'm looking good, that doesn't feel like a compliment at all, it feels as if losing my son doesn't matter at all and i have just moved on with life and superficial appearances....even though i know full well that's not at all what they meant. i just cant be happy about anything any more. i also despise it when people say i need to look after myself now and get on with my life.....how offended i am when people tell me that ! let them walk in my shoes and see if they feel like just moving on with life as if they just lost a job or something bearable like that. there's no joy, no passion, no excitement, i'm just an empty shell without my baby boy and can't see the light.

Partners twin brother passed away, he is depressed and has suicidal thoughts..

replies: 9

Hi all, this is the first time I have posted one here.. My partner is 24 and last year his twin brother tragically died in a motorbike accident. He is very good at covering up his feelings. He refuses to cry or show his pain around me. Although he do... View more

Hi all, this is the first time I have posted one here.. My partner is 24 and last year his twin brother tragically died in a motorbike accident. He is very good at covering up his feelings. He refuses to cry or show his pain around me. Although he does open up and cry around his mates it doesn't happen often. I have tried multiple times to get him to seek some counselling as I can see it is affecting him. He drinks a lot and is very angry when drunk (he has never hurt me but always seems to pick fights). Last night while at the pub, he opened up to a girl who he went to primary school with and told her he plans to kill himself on his birthday which is in September. Hes away this weekend on a 'boys weekend' so I haven't had the chance to talk to him about it, and he has no idea that I even know. I have spoken to his Aunty and Uncle who are helping me support him and we are trying to workout where to go from here. He refuses any sort of counselling and says he is fine. We have a 13 month old son and it really hurts me that he thinks its fine to leave myself and our son in this world alone.. I suffer from mild depression myself.. Im also worried he may have bipolar as his mother does and his attitude is much like hers.. Thanks for reading. Sorry it's so long, any advice greatly appreciated..

Pinned discussions

Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

replies: 0

All discussions

Suicide 50 years ago

replies: 3

How to cope with Grief.

replies: 1

Anticipatory grief for my Dad

replies: 2

Miscarriage bringing up old grief

replies: 4

Loss of My Soulmate in a tragic accident at home

replies: 3

suicide of close friend

replies: 5

Double Whammy

replies: 3

How do you find resilence

replies: 2

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

replies: 36

Partners twin brother passed away, he is depressed and has suicidal thoughts..

replies: 9

Grief and loss

Welcome to the Grief and Loss section replies: 0

Suicide 50 years ago replies: 3

How to cope with Grief. replies: 1

Anticipatory grief for my Dad replies: 2

Miscarriage bringing up old grief replies: 4

Loss of My Soulmate in a tragic accident at home replies: 3

suicide of close friend replies: 5

Double Whammy replies: 3

How do you find resilence replies: 2

Grief - son gone at 22yrs replies: 36

Partners twin brother passed away, he is depressed and has suicidal thoughts.. replies: 9

Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

replies: 0

Suicide 50 years ago

replies: 3

How to cope with Grief.

replies: 1

Anticipatory grief for my Dad

replies: 2

Miscarriage bringing up old grief

replies: 4

Loss of My Soulmate in a tragic accident at home

replies: 3

suicide of close friend

replies: 5

Double Whammy

replies: 3

How do you find resilence

replies: 2

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

replies: 36

Partners twin brother passed away, he is depressed and has suicidal thoughts..

replies: 9