Grief and loss

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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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StephenP watching her fade away
  • replies: 1

This is my first post here, my wife of 37 years is suffering from terminal cancer. She has been fighting it for nearly 3 years now but for the past 2 weeks she has gone down hill fast and now is on end of life program . She's at home and my daughter ... View more

This is my first post here, my wife of 37 years is suffering from terminal cancer. She has been fighting it for nearly 3 years now but for the past 2 weeks she has gone down hill fast and now is on end of life program . She's at home and my daughter and I am caring for her. However I still have to work to pay the bills. I'm not getting much sleep because she needs me through the night with anxiety attacks and pain so I have to give subcut injections and administer all her medication . I' m sacred not just for me but for her as well,I don't know exactly what to do I feel totally useless that I cant fix this .I want to cry but cant as I don't want her to feel that I cant cope, she's scared enough and doesn't want to leave me. I have friends and family staying in contact, but I still feel alone and watching her slow fade is killing me ,I just don't know what to do.

annhd Fed up crying
  • replies: 1

I'm new here but desperately need someone to talk to, to offload. I have been married for 36yrs but the last 14 have been hell. He has lied and cheated and left me feeling so low and unwanted. We had 3 kids and now I have 4 grandchildren and if it wa... View more

I'm new here but desperately need someone to talk to, to offload. I have been married for 36yrs but the last 14 have been hell. He has lied and cheated and left me feeling so low and unwanted. We had 3 kids and now I have 4 grandchildren and if it wasn't for them, who knows what. My husband always found someone in his office to start an emailing affair with and i always found out, even when he worked overseas but there it got personal, actual affairs. We would separate and he would always end up coming back telling me he loved me and didn't want anyone else but there was a catch. He is diabetic and had trouble in the bedroom, but it didn't seem to stop him trying with other women but I got told he wasnt interested in sex anymore. I tried getting him to get us help but he would get angry and tell me to just accept he had no interest. Liar!! what he means is he has no interest with me. After his last email affair with a work collegue that I found out about, I got angry and threw him out and sent an email to all his bosses. He was afraid he would lose his job and ended up going to counselling with me. We ended up moving to Africa with his work, a new start he said but after 3 months I was coming home to see the kids and the night before I left I saw an email he had sent to a woman asking her to meet him in Singapore where he was going for a meeting so once again I told him it was over.We were apart for about 2yrs, I was living back in Perth and he was in Africa and then got a move to Singapore. We eventually started emailing back and forth and he was telling me how depressed he was and he wanted to prove to me that I was what he wanted. He was getting a move with his work to New Zealand and he wanted me to go to. He came home for a week or so and everything seemed fine, I asked him if he had anything to tell me about any relationships he had while we were apart and of course he said there was nothing, he wasn't interested in anyone. I told him I would move but we would have to get some proffessional help for our relationship and he agreed. So like an idiot I moved to NZ. Things went well, we got on well but he didn't make a move to get help, I asked and asked. Then one day while I was clearing out some of the removalists boxes I came across a pack of viagra with one tablet left, i questioned him and he said it was old, from Africa. I knew he was lying because the foil was still like new. Then I was on his computer one day and found some emails and photos of when he lived in Singapore, he had a girlfriend when he was there! They got very personal and in the emails he was telling her how he enjoyed kissing and carressing and that the only reason he wasn't divorced was financial reasons, it would cost him too much. As i was reading all this I was crying. I packed my stuff and came back to Perth. He ended up changing jobs and coming back to Perth, we still had our house here and he moved in downstairs. I can't understand how he could try so hard with other women but not for me, the one he keeps saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He has since went to work in America for 6months, it is over, I had enough of his lies and I told him this before he left. I am just so hurt. To crown it all off, my daughter is now in prison for drugs. She has been since Sept last year and will be released December 2014. She had a baby girl who is now 1yr old and I have been visiting them twice a week since Sept. She has changed, learnt her lesson and will never go back, I know this. I just feel like I am here for everyone else but no-one gives a toss about me. I am so down I just cry and cry if it wasn't for my grandkids I think I would just disappear, run away somewhere where nobody knows me. I am fed up pretending, putting on a smile if I step out the door, smiling if I meet someone I know telling them it's OK. It's not OK. My life wasn't meant to be like this. Why wasn't I enough? I tried everything. Now I am left here I feel alone. I feel nobody wants me. I wouldn't do anything stupid to myself, my daughter and granddaughter count on me. I am fed up crying and crying.

Nige_S_E I don't want to take the next step
  • replies: 2

Two weeks after new years eve my wife of 13yrs dropped the bomb on me, "I love you but am not in love with you." I immediately went into all the natural panic reactions and tried to save our marriage, we have 3 kids - 12, 9 & 3 and up until now our m... View more

Two weeks after new years eve my wife of 13yrs dropped the bomb on me, "I love you but am not in love with you." I immediately went into all the natural panic reactions and tried to save our marriage, we have 3 kids - 12, 9 & 3 and up until now our marriage had been good. We get on well, rarely fight are compatible on just about everything we do, and all of a sudden this. We spent the next 4 months in limbo, with alternate times of closeness and intimacy switched with times of absolute withdrawal from me, just as she stated she thought we could be ok and make it work she suddenly switched and 4 weeks later it's over. We have been separated for two weeks now and I just don't get it. We are close and she is determined to maintain a very good relationship, it is very confusing, she tells me she loves me, that she can't imagine me not in her life, she calls me darl yet is adamant it's over. Me, I'm devastated and just can't believe it's over, or understand how or why. It just doesn't make sense to me. I know I need to start detangling myself from her but I just don't want to, we had a good relationship right up to the day it ended and I'm really not sure it's over for good. I want to hold on but probably shouldn't. She has even asked me to stay in the house with the family, we plan on moving up the coast at the end of the year and still will, she wants us to live together and settle into the new town before we separate into different homes, for the kids and to support each other. I know this is a highly unusual situation but i've agreed to try it, in fact I want to do it so I can stay with my kids and be near her - she does still provide me with enormous love and support. I guess I'm lucky she didn't just up and leave but I still have daily crying episodes where it just knocks me off my feet, i still feel like I've been ripped in half and a piece of me is missing, I still miss her even though we're in the same house. I decided my first step needed to be dividing up our financial affairs, she readily agreed (which made me sad because it was more a manipulation tactic I think) and we'll just share costs and in one way I can stop thinking of us as an "us." I don't want to though, I think she's having a mid life crisis and if I hang on we just might fix it all when she comes out the other side, I'm probably deluding myself. How do you make that step, the first one, the one I so badly want to avoid?

Jo3 Lost all my friends
  • replies: 15

Hi everyone I have just lost my last close friend - and it's all my fault. When all this childhood abuse stuff came out 4 years ago, I had a few friends that supported me greatly. And I really appreciated their support. But this morning a close frien... View more

Hi everyone I have just lost my last close friend - and it's all my fault. When all this childhood abuse stuff came out 4 years ago, I had a few friends that supported me greatly. And I really appreciated their support. But this morning a close friend (or so I thought) told me that she can't have me talk about my stuff anymore, not about the abuse, the psych sessions anything. She said she has had enough and can't do it. She said she had to see a psychologist to help her tell me. I felt guttered and now have lost all my friends. I didn't realise that I was taking her time and my issues were interfering with her life. She never mentioned it to me in the four years that we have been catching up. So now I am friendless, no one to talk to; no one to vent to or even have a coffee with. It's all gone - and it's all my fault. This is one example of borderline personality disorder that I have been diagnosed with. And I hate it so much, I really do. I hate myself for being like this, i have no one know. it's all gone. i don't know what to do anymore, my day has spiralled down so much that i just want to hide away. It's never ending and i don't know if i can do this anymore. it sucks, it's horrible and i am to blame. Jo

Guest_3712 Apologies in advance
  • replies: 9

Hi all, I so very nearly didn't post today as I didn't want to upset everyone's Mothers Day, so I will apologise now but I am so down and really needed to vent I guess. As you know I have been dreading Mothers Day for so many reasons. 1/ my dearly lo... View more

Hi all, I so very nearly didn't post today as I didn't want to upset everyone's Mothers Day, so I will apologise now but I am so down and really needed to vent I guess. As you know I have been dreading Mothers Day for so many reasons. 1/ my dearly loved mother in law died at this time of year, 2/ I don't feel anything remotely loving to my own mum and 3/ I miss my children desperately. Don't get me wrong my kids both called and my hubby took me out for breakky and a walk so I should me grateful right? What sort of an awful person am I ? I always want more . My heart is breaking in so many pieces. I ended up taking the time to visit my mum during the week and as you would probably guess I was so conflicted with my emotions. She seems to shrink more each time I see her which gives me a false impression of the dominant strong intimidating mother of my youth. I then I feel sorry for her feebleness and then I hate her for making me feel pity for her and then I hate myself for so wanting her to say those words I have never heard . I know it will never happen. I am so confused and sad. I am counting the days until I can see my psych. I need a good cry and dare not do it at home as my hubby and I are living a fairly peaceful life at the moment and I don't want to upset the status quo. I hope my special friends here on BB are having a lovely day, you know who you are ladies and my male friends I hope you are giving your mums/ wives all the love in the world. Sorry for the downer Stressless

gail61 what to do next
  • replies: 0

when a relationship breaks up cos of his family's abuse and they wont tell u what u did wrong they say i should know me x says i did nothing cos he was with me when i saw them i left cos i nearly died as it got too much the laugh at me and spread so ... View more

when a relationship breaks up cos of his family's abuse and they wont tell u what u did wrong they say i should know me x says i did nothing cos he was with me when i saw them i left cos i nearly died as it got too much the laugh at me and spread so many false words around towni live in a very small town it was so hard to see people cos they did not talk to me anymore just whispered he stood up for me but it got too much his health suffered so i left how do u stop crying what do i do next

RLKKBAB Where do I go from here?
  • replies: 1

It has been 14 months since my dear father committed suicide. We were so close and I had managed to stop a previous attempt 10 years ago.....if I only picked up the signs this time. He may still be here. He battled depression for years but still mana... View more

It has been 14 months since my dear father committed suicide. We were so close and I had managed to stop a previous attempt 10 years ago.....if I only picked up the signs this time. He may still be here. He battled depression for years but still managed to be the strength of the family....our rock, the one we went to for advise. I have some comfort knowing that this is definatley what he wanted, he left videos and letters behind explaining his actions....he was so calm and it was so very well planned. He had even opened all the locks to to many tool boxes so we would know what key belongs where.Whatkills me inside is that he died alone, without me or anyone there to hold his hand. There was no turning back for him and he wanted this and his videos and letters reinforced this. He wasnt sad in the video and the letters were very clear. We have abided by each of his wishes.What I am really having trouble coping with is the fact that life goes on.....how can it? My father who was my idol, bestfriend and mate chose to leave us! Chose to leave his grandchildren who were his absolute world.....I talk about him all the time, but I feel like no one is listening, I am having nightmares from the day he passed, I am moody, cant concentrate, cant see the positives in life anymore. Sometimes I think if it wasnt for my kids I would have followed in dad's foot steps.I was always a positive person, outgoing and confident....I feel that has gone now. A huge part of me went with dad that day and I dont think I will ever be the same.My family tell me to get help.....where do I go? I have 4 children, work full time and money is tight in our house hold. I always thought in my head - after the 1 year anniversary I would magically get better......I was wrong.....I am now worse and having bad thoughts myself......if it wasnt for my beautiful children who knows......it scares me because I know dad loved us beyond words and he did it......does this mean I am at risk?

DebZzZ challenges ive faced
  • replies: 11

Growing up I always had problems in school I was bullied,when I graduated high school I mixed with the wrong crowd and went down a destructive path It started when I was 17 fresh out of school nothing to do I reconnected with people I grew up with fo... View more

Growing up I always had problems in school I was bullied,when I graduated high school I mixed with the wrong crowd and went down a destructive path It started when I was 17 fresh out of school nothing to do I reconnected with people I grew up with found new friends went out.. I was abused on my 18th birthday at the time I had no idea about sex or abuse or anything and I stayed with the guy- he was abusive to me and I kept going back to him until people told me to stop and so I did.little did I know he had been telling people about me and WAS MARRIED , me being immature not understanding what was going on started talking to the guys even meeting up with some of them I had no idea what I was doing I was unintentionally being promiscuous they were telling me what I wanted to hear, giving me drugs and alcohol and doing what they wanted to me was normal to me, it was when I started hearing rumours that I started to realise what was happening.I decided to stop everything and when I did I was stalked and I was abused again a few times. it was horrible I had changed my number over 30+ times that year and someone just kept giving it out along with my picture, by this stage I had gained some strength and determined to put a stop to all this I confronted my so-called friends who told me that my so called guy friend was the one behind it(THE ONLY ONE I COULD TRUST) things got ugly everyone in my community and culture was talking about me making fun of me staring at me harassing me stalking me, everywhere I went was hell or me. I was constantly crying I had lost all my friends people were telling people not to talk to me it was pure hell.I eventually confronted HIM and the truth came pouring out from everywhere. so me and my brother decided to do this all back to him. we succeeded and eventually things stopped, most of my friends had came back to me but things were not the same anymore they were embarrassed to be around me .I stopped contact with the guys but kept talking to my guy friend STUPID ME! It was then i realised i needed mental help i went to a psychiatrist who made fun of me and said i didn't need him. my GP at the time told me that i should be working and not faking my depression and put me on antidepressants and said to me go home.I had no one i was completely down an out, at this point and no one cared AT ALL except for the people at my job network. i dealt with my pain by using drugs, alcohol and eatingI had a massive fight with my guy friend and it was horrible, he ended up apologizing to me and i had thought he had changed boy was i wrong.A week later he asked me out and i said yes everything was good i was extremely happy but i had a guilty conscience it was around this time i had stopped doing everything the drugs stealing fighting everything, anyways i told him what me and my brother had done to him and that's when things got a lot worse.we had a MASSIVE fight it was ugly.. and my so called friends betrayed me it the worst possible way ever i was just torn. i ended up calling the police thanks to his ex gf who was on my side. i decided not to get a restraining order as my dad works within the community in which he is from. and told my dad some of the story not all of it.it got better in time people apologized and people fought with us it was horrible and ok at the same time. things improved when i cut all ties with those nasty people, most of them apologized and every single one of them cant stand to look me in the eyes and still avoid me 5 years on.it was now 2010 and my mental health had improved i had changed my doctor and was put on anti-depressants, things got better. i had stopped taking my anti depressants in 2011 and had improved a lot and finished my counselling.i had been happy very happy up until i found out one of the guys from my past had died from suicide i still to this day am shocked because of the way things ended with us.its only now i realised he cared he truly cared and how lonely he was i unintentionally broke his heart and in the end he broke mine.on the day of his death i had a dream we were sitting in a park and he was apologizing to me for everything and telling me he will always be with me and in my dream i hugged him. 2 weeks later i got the news and everything thing i heard and saw in the dream was exactly what happened. he is now my guardian angel we have forgiven each other.i met a amazing man who ended up leaving me without a word heartbroken i then had relapsed.its now 2014 and on my birthday i was heartbroken again, had a depressive episode and got to a very darm place. i am now on antidepressants and am in counselling and getting treatment for major depressive disorder. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Nickname_8BA29DDD-0F29-41 I just wanted him to leave us alone, not for him to die.
  • replies: 3

My husband and the father of my two kids was an alcoholic with mental health issues. He had Narcism Personality Disorder and depression/ anxiety. When he was sober, he could be very caring and sweet and charismatic. When he drank, he was abusive, bot... View more

My husband and the father of my two kids was an alcoholic with mental health issues. He had Narcism Personality Disorder and depression/ anxiety. When he was sober, he could be very caring and sweet and charismatic. When he drank, he was abusive, both physically and mentally. Despite this, I loved him (well, at least his good side). It took me two years of pleading, cajoling, crying, fighting and negotiation to try to get him to do something about it. You see, he didn't think he had a problem. He thought everyone else was the problem. In the end, I realised I couldn't change him unless he wanted to change himself. I asked him to leave after he was abusive to our 4 year old and putting them at risk. He threatened to commit suicide on numerous occasions when we fought.We had been living separately for about four months but still catching up regularly so that we could chat and he could see our kids- they are three and four years old. Three weeks ago, after going on a drinking binge, he was found dead in his serviced apartment. It may have been a heart attack. It may have been a suicide attempt. The coroners report comes out in about 6 weeks time. I just don't know. I do know that I feel very confused by what has happened. I married a gorgeous man and wanted to grow old with him. I didn't marry the person he turned into who abused his kids and held us to ransom emotionally. I feel sad that I couldn't save him. i feel guilty that I didnt ring him on the night that he died. i feel guilty that i didnt make the kids talk to him. At the same time, at least we are now safe. I just wanted him to leave us alone, not for him to die.

Meegy Family. You can't choose them.
  • replies: 1

When I was 16, almost 17, I moved out of home, because I had a disagreement with my family, they stopped talking to me for almost a year, I moved in with my ex, after living with him and his family for almost a year I decided that it wasn't working a... View more

When I was 16, almost 17, I moved out of home, because I had a disagreement with my family, they stopped talking to me for almost a year, I moved in with my ex, after living with him and his family for almost a year I decided that it wasn't working anymore and decided to move in with my Nan and Pop. Then my parents started talking to me again. I then found the love of my life, and after dating 6 months I moved in with him and his family. My family still talked to me, then after my partner and I had been together for about 2 years, my Mum had a falling out with my partners family, because she doesn't think before she speaks, and she insulted my father in law, and didn't apologise or anything, and I told her that she offended him, and all I got was I don't care from her, then she stopped talking to me, then I found out I was pregnant with my first child, and I told them, they started talking to me again, but never visited me. My partners family wanted to move to NSW from Tasmania, as they have family in NSW, and I loved him, so I decided to go with him, plus I was also having his child, every child needs their father, we decided though to move when our child was about 3 months old, when I told them, they started visiting me, this was only once or twice though, then I gave birth to my daughter, my first born, their first grandchild, and they only visited me in hospital. I was emotionally depressed because of this, I used to cry all the time,I always tried to think about what I had done wrong, but I hadn't done anything, so my partner decided to take matter into his own hands, and remind them that we were moving in a couple of months, they came over a couple more times after that to visit me and my daughter. During that short time though, my Mum had again offended my Father in law, so again I told her, but we were moving anyway so she didn't really care. We moved to NSW and my family kept in contact with me for a little while, then they stopped. After a couple of months they got back in contact but only because I owed them some money, which I was behind on (they got a loan out for me, and not paying it was the only way they would talk to me). So for a couple of weeks it was all good. my daughter had her first Christmas (they sent presents up for that and only a text message from them), then her first birthday came along (nothing, no call, no text and no presents), straight after her birthday we moved, then my partner and I decided to get married, now I understand that asking someone if they can come from Tasmania to a NSW Wedding is a big ask, but my sister agreed to it, said she had bought her tickets, had got time off work and everything, she was going to be my bridesmaid, my only bridesmaid. I didn't even have a back up because she said it was a definite. I spent almost $500 on a dress, jewellery and a present for her, then 1 to 2 weeks before my wedding I get a Facebook message from my sister apologising, saying that she can't come to my wedding because she can't get time off work, I believed her, and tried to find a replacement, but no luck at all, as I still hadn't made any friends, so my daughter became my bridesmaid. I had spoken to my Mum a couple of days before because I was behind again, but I explained to her because my sister couldn't be here, I had to go and find some clothes for my 1 year old daughter to wear as my bridesmaid. The night before the wedding I couldn't sleep I got up and checked Facebook, turns out my sister did come to NSW after all she was in Canberra. So I sent her a message, and then she went on, saying how because my husband knew some bikies that she was going to get arrested when she went back to Tasmania, like our friends that rode bikes was going to make her take drugs home or something. My husband sent her a message (I read it as it was my Facebook), saying that she had ruined my day, and how she was meant to be family and be here for me, not lie to me. My husband and I got married, I waited a week to hear anything from my parents, nothing, not one peep, not even a have a good day on my wedding day, no good luck, nothing whatsoever, no congratulations afterwards, not even one like on a photo on Facebook. Nothing from any of my family, none of the uncles and aunts I had on Facebook congratulated me, not even my brother or sister did. So I did the only thing I could so that I would stop looking at their profile, which upset, I deleted them, I deleted their phone numbers, everything about them has gone, this has made me a little happier, what affected me afterwards though, was when. I deleted them they had open profiles so you could see everything, and they didn't know why I deleted them, they complained about it on Facebook and said they did nothing wrong, but they all knew, every single one of my family members knew that my sister was meant to come to my wedding, and they all lied to me and then when I found out I'm made out to be the bad person.