Grieving loss of someone else's child I never knew, but reminds me so much of my own child.

[Feeling_Sad]

With over 40 years of being a fairly happy female and never having really had much to do with grief, I have recently been confronted with the death of someone else's child I don't even know and never met through social media (Facebook).  It has broken my heart, and I feel like my life is crumbling around me.  I was just a light user of Facebook, but over the last couple of months, friends have shared stories of other parents' Community Facebook pages of their own children recently having died of cancer.  They continue their Facebook pages as a way of grieving.

Not knowing much about childhood cancer, I read through their stories and the mothers' constant updates throughout their journey, their photos, even the ones closer to their child dying - so confronting for me. I was coping ok with them, although I was feeling different about life as I knew it, and then I read about a beautiful little 6 yr girl who only died only a few weeks ago from soft tissue cancer, and she reminds me so much of my 5 yr old daughter.  I am totally devastated by reading about the pain this little girl endured for over 2 years, and every photo she has a smile on her face, and then her final days in extreme pain, and now her mother's painful grief.  I can't stop thinking about the little girl and her mother and feel guilty if I try to return to my family's happy and healthy life.  I constantly cry, can't eat, don't want to face life and feel like I will never be the same person I was once before.

I keep going back to her Facebook page as her mother updates most days, and the only good thing about it all is that she died in the arms of her mum and with medical supervision.  But, why can't I get over this?  Why do I need to revisit her Facebook page?  Many friends have said stop reading it, but I feel like her mum might post something beautiful up and I will miss it.  I have started to see a psychologist to try and find out what went wrong with me, and she thinks I may be suffering from Vicarious Trauma, which is more related to Health Professionals dealing with constant trauma.  There isn't much on the internet about social media and the effects it can have on us.  Is it this little girl triggered something in me as she reminds me of my daughter, or is it that I can't cope with all these sad stories on Facebook and the internet, news etc.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Feeling Sad,

I am a father of five. My middle child died sixteen years ago at the age of eight weeks. Officially Sudden Infant Death Syndrome which is a euphemism for "we don't know why your daughter died".

Please understand that constant exposure to any

suffering is going to eventually take its toll. It is very easy to see how you can transpose the realities of these deaths and they can make you fear for your own child, especially of similar age.

I was a policeman for a long time and worked most of my life in some of the most violent parts of Sydney. I arrested a fair few people at gunpoint and it is a big deal to think you may have to

kill someone. The reason I am telling you this is that the last person I arrested this way before I retired was a seventeen year old boy who pointed a pistol at me. At the time, my own eldest son was eighteen and all I could see when I was telling this kid to drop the gun was my own boys' face. (The arrest went without either of us shooting!)

I guess you need to follow your psych's advice. Just know that being a parent means taking the chance that bad things can happen. Every day I worry that a fatal car accident or the like will involve one of my kids, let alone the medical ailments you have mentioned. It is just part of the deal of being a parent.

I went on to have two more children after

losing my daughter and I have always had a heightened fear that something bad would happen to those kids, especially after reality showed me that I could not protect my children from everything. It is a risk but I think a risk worth taking. Most children are untouched by the things we are talking about and it is that reality that we must seek comfort in.

Good luck with it and I hope you can find some help from your treatment.

Kind regards, John.

[Feeling_Sad]

Thanks John for your heartfelt reply. 

I feel like that I am not entitled to mourn children I don't know, as I feel I am being greedy and taking away from this little girl's family.  Not sure what I am taking away from them, but I sort of feel silly.  I am definitely more fearful and want to be by my children every minute of every day now.  I can't wait to go an pick them up from school today and spend more special time with them.

I feel guilty also of trying to return to being happy whilst so many children are suffering with terminal cancer, it just doesn't seem fair, but I guess life isn't fair.

I will continue on trying to get better with treatment whilst trying to find a way to make this world a better place.

Thanks. Tammy